Mediation next week I'm in debt,will he see it?

[whymewhyme]

Discussing child matters first that I can deal with, but I'm worried about the financial disclosure since being separated 3 years ago. I've got 2.5k debt on a credit card, I'm ashamed to say. He left me on my arse and there were periods over this time that I've had to rely on it. Will he see my debt? I don't want him knowing anything, he will go back and telling OW. I'm so embarrassed!

If you are using mediation as the start of the divorce process then unfortunately financial disclosure is part of that.
But I don't think you should be ashamed that a separation has led you to be in debt. You've done what has been needed to stay afloat.
Do you have children at all, did you make sacrifices through the marriage that have meant you are financially worse off?
This could mean that should you have assets together, there might be reason for you to have a larger stake as the debt (as long as it has been to stay afloat) will show that you are unable to survive on your current salary etc and when there are kids, the system wants to ensure that they are provided for in both settings.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, is he paying child support or is that why you’ve got into debt?

So, 8be started the divorce but mediation is to sort the house sale money.
I was just living off the credit card for a good while until I got my work and uc sorted. I had to use food banks and the credit card to survive after 2months he stopped paying his half of the mortgage, and I really struggled.

I am embarrassed of it and I can't think if anything more worse than him knowing I'm in debt. Honestly I'm gutted. I'm thinking of asking my mum to pay it off for me and I will pay her back when I get the house money.

Sorry it sounds like you have been through a tough time but come through it; that’s something to be proud of. It sounds very much like you are still concerned about your exs opinion of you. I don’t know the backstory but you’re not together anymore, so why give his opinion any weight at all?

when it comes to divorce and negotiation, appearing to have less money and be in a weaker financial position could potentially help your negotiating position…

Please don't feel embarrassed. Feel proud of how you've kept the family fed and clothed when he took off.

He is the one who should feel embarrassed. It might even do him some good to realise how his children have suffered because of his infidelity.

And, as a previous poster said, it might strengthen your negotiating position.

Thank you for the kind words, I'm having a wobble today. Yes it's not ideal but at the time we would have gone under.

A few people have said to me why do I care what he thinks and tbh I actually don't know why I do. I think maybe it's because he thinks he's bigger and batter than me and I just don't want to give him any info on me. Daft I know!

The festive season can be tough when it comes to relationship breakdowns and divorce, you feel how you feel, that's ok. Let your ex think whatever he wants. You have no control over that. Focus on you, you and your kids are what matters here.

Re the financial disclosure, yes it can feel really weird having to be open with your finances with someone you are no longer with. It's hard not to feel a bit judged when it comes to money, when other people get to see your accounts I know, but try to put that aside. Feeling that you don't want your ex to see your finances as you feel they are private, may be a good thing as it suggests you feel very much independent of him now?

Have you had legal advice re what sounds fair and reasonable re a financial settlement? If not, personally I'd get that before entering mediation.

You've been left in a horrendous situation, in fact he put you in that situation, and you've done what you can to survive so you shouldn't feel shame, you should feel proud that you've managed to find a way through and you will clear that debt eventually too. Be kind to yourself and just do what you can to get through everything. You're doing amazing and you're surviving. The struggles you're experiencing now are the dark days in the aftermath of huge change, but the easier days will come. Just keep moving forward ♥️

I’m a mediator in Aus although I believe the process is the same (I qualified as a lawyer in the UK). As others have said yes, he will see the debt as there needs to be full disclosure of financials - all assets and liabilities - but if that credit card debt was incurred providing accommodation and necessities for your children I would be arguing that when it goes in the pool it should not be put aside as solely your debt but rather viewed as a joint liability. You really do need some legal advice before you go into this - I always make sure clients have taken advice before they enter the process so they have a realistic view of what they can expect as the percentage split and what they would like that to look like when dividing the assets. Do not feel pressured into agreeing on the spot to anything no matter how hard you are pushed. Take away any proposals and think them through carefully (preferably with some legal advice) before you sign anything. Good luck.