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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Talking to teens about dad poor choices

26 replies

Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:10

Hi

I'm in the middle of divorce and have a 15 and 18 year old. Usual tale of mid life crisis and affair with younger work colleague. I have spent the last year being lied to and led on by him. He has also lied to the kids frequently and is only parenting when it fits in with him such as spending xmas with his girlfriend and her child and making no attempt to see his own children!
I would like to talk to them about choices and lies but don't know how to do it without making it sound like I'm just being mean about their dad but equally don't want them to think that his behaviour is acceptable!

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:
Edingril · 27/12/2024 08:12

If they are not asking you any questions nor speaking about him and wondering why certain things are happening or not happening then why would you need too?

If they are then answer these

If not, It might make you feel better but would it actually benefit them?

Candy24 · 27/12/2024 08:12

Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:10

Hi

I'm in the middle of divorce and have a 15 and 18 year old. Usual tale of mid life crisis and affair with younger work colleague. I have spent the last year being lied to and led on by him. He has also lied to the kids frequently and is only parenting when it fits in with him such as spending xmas with his girlfriend and her child and making no attempt to see his own children!
I would like to talk to them about choices and lies but don't know how to do it without making it sound like I'm just being mean about their dad but equally don't want them to think that his behaviour is acceptable!

Any advice appreciated!

Honestly let the kids see it for themselves wont take long. When they ask questions answer honestly

Moonshine5 · 27/12/2024 08:15

They probably already know
I'm not sure if would help them as they must be navigating a hugely stressful mental load. Why not wait to see if they ask why questions.

BlackBean2023 · 27/12/2024 08:17

You don't. They know.

This Xmas will be the hardest one OP, you're nearly through it.

If they ask you why he hasn't been around tell them to ask him.

BeyondMyWits · 27/12/2024 08:18

Don't do it, they know. Be the steadfast reliable parent they can trust and return to whenever they need. They know their dad is a lying cheating arse.

My mum must have been screaming inside, but ony replied to direct questions about things. We kids knew about his cheating, his nastiness about money and did all we could to support her.

Original poster
Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:22

Edingril · 27/12/2024 08:12

If they are not asking you any questions nor speaking about him and wondering why certain things are happening or not happening then why would you need too?

If they are then answer these

If not, It might make you feel better but would it actually benefit them?

I think I'm just worried that by not discussing it, they will think its ok but you are right maybe it won't benefit them.
I just worry as well that they just don't want to upset me.

OP posts:
curious79 · 27/12/2024 08:23

Kids know but they will become vehemently defensive of their dad if you weigh in. Be the bigger person and the rock they need

Original poster
Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:24

BeyondMyWits · 27/12/2024 08:18

Don't do it, they know. Be the steadfast reliable parent they can trust and return to whenever they need. They know their dad is a lying cheating arse.

My mum must have been screaming inside, but ony replied to direct questions about things. We kids knew about his cheating, his nastiness about money and did all we could to support her.

Thank you.
That helps a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:25

Thank you everyone. I won't say anything and just carry on!

OP posts:
LPCrunchie · 27/12/2024 08:25

This sounds like a loaded question. You don’t need to tell them about lying and choices. At their age they will know about these things. You want to tell them that their father is a lying cheat who deceived you and has ruined your and their family. You feel left alone and to pick up the pieces whilst he has a made a new family overnight.

Do not pull your kids into your drama.

Take the time for yourself to go out with your friends, go on holiday and enjoy the sense of freedom from not having to think about the deceiving donkey.

BeyondMyWits · 27/12/2024 08:27

Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:22

I think I'm just worried that by not discussing it, they will think its ok but you are right maybe it won't benefit them.
I just worry as well that they just don't want to upset me.

Show quote history

They won't think it is OK. Their lives have changed. They may be more pleased about that than you think.

My parents never really rowed, but for the final 2 years of their marriage you could tell something was going on. As teenagers we kind of ignored it, but breathed a sigh of relief when dad left.

Original poster
Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:34

LPCrunchie · 27/12/2024 08:25

This sounds like a loaded question. You don’t need to tell them about lying and choices. At their age they will know about these things. You want to tell them that their father is a lying cheat who deceived you and has ruined your and their family. You feel left alone and to pick up the pieces whilst he has a made a new family overnight.

Do not pull your kids into your drama.

Take the time for yourself to go out with your friends, go on holiday and enjoy the sense of freedom from not having to think about the deceiving donkey.

Thanks!
I think I'm over compensating because he isn't telling them anything. He has only told them he is with a friend for Christmas but only because I asked him to tell them something.

OP posts:
Brainworm · 27/12/2024 08:37

Don't underestimate your role in modelling how to uphold boundaries and standards within a relationship.

You will be showing them the importance of respecting yourself and not putting up with a crappy partner and maintaining your dignity in the process. You will be showing them that whilst some make crappy choices, others can be relied upon.

Original poster
Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:40

I feel I've made a bit of a mess of things, over the last year. I desperately didn't want to believe it and have believed a lot of things he has told me because I didn't want to see it. After 24 years together it's been incredibly hard.
You are all right, they just need facts only and me to not to project my feelings!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/12/2024 08:47

Are you saying that the DC don’t know some basic facts, as you understand them, eg that dad has a girlfriend? If that’s the case would tell them the facts, not mentioning ‘lies’ and so on, and try and make it easier for them to talk to you or another trusted adult about their thoughts and feelings. Would also seek help for yourself, and not talk to the DC about your thoughts/feelings about your ex.

Cerialkiller · 27/12/2024 08:56

Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:40

I feel I've made a bit of a mess of things, over the last year. I desperately didn't want to believe it and have believed a lot of things he has told me because I didn't want to see it. After 24 years together it's been incredibly hard.
You are all right, they just need facts only and me to not to project my feelings!

Dont not blame yourself for wanting to believe him and trying to hold things together. That's on him.

I think it's ok to be honest with the children. If ex is minimising and lying and you are acting like it's no big deal them I'm not sure that's healthy either.

You need to both acknowledge their feelings and it's also ok to let them know how much he hurt/betrayed you. The trick is to couch it in 'I' language, so communicating but not burdening them. 'It's ok to feel angry' 'i was hurt by what happened/I'm finding it very hard adjusting' not 'he did a terrible thing and I hate him, you should hate him too'.

They are old enough to realise that you are more then just a mothering machine who has no feelings and just quietly tolerates shit.

If you are genuinely stoic and ok then it's ok to show that too.

Original poster
Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:56

Loopytiles · 27/12/2024 08:47

Are you saying that the DC don’t know some basic facts, as you understand them, eg that dad has a girlfriend? If that’s the case would tell them the facts, not mentioning ‘lies’ and so on, and try and make it easier for them to talk to you or another trusted adult about their thoughts and feelings. Would also seek help for yourself, and not talk to the DC about your thoughts/feelings about your ex.

They know very little. He has lied to me and them constantly over the last year. Denied a relationship even when i had evidence of it. They have rarely known where he has been staying as he is avoiding all discussions. It has been very difficult to navigate. He has gone from being a very hands on dad to disappearing.
I have got a divorce coach now who is helping me enormously!

OP posts:
Brainworm · 27/12/2024 08:59

Meow13 · 27/12/2024 08:40

I feel I've made a bit of a mess of things, over the last year. I desperately didn't want to believe it and have believed a lot of things he has told me because I didn't want to see it. After 24 years together it's been incredibly hard.
You are all right, they just need facts only and me to not to project my feelings!

You've been through a horrible experience and I'm sure you've handled it in a very human way - made some mistakes, not always covered yourself in glory and have struggled at times. You sound like you have moved into a more reflective space, which is great. This means you make more considered decisions about what is best for you and your children, going forward.

You will benefit from having people to vent to, but your children (and your relationship with them) will benefit from you keeping this away from them.

Collette78 · 27/12/2024 09:04

I don’t think it’s appropriate for coparents to talk their kids about the other in a derogatory way, irrelevant of the circumstances.

Kids don’t need to know every detail of what’s going on and if you start berating him to them then it might actually change their opinion of you.

if my eldest makes a comment about his dad or asks a question then we discuss it, if not then I keep my nose out and say very little.

Raise them to be good kids and they will form their own judgements and opinions of what’s gone on. But in all honesty it’s better if they think you are both great … you are their parents.

Rocksaltrita · 27/12/2024 09:12

They will know and without trash talking him, you do need to acknowledge their feelings. I remember my DP separating and DM (to her credit?) never said a bad word about DF (who had had multiple affairs). It was very odd that she did not show any anger or resentment, though must have felt it! Sometimes it was like she was wondering why I was upset - as opposed to acknowledging that DF had hurt everyone.

Sproutssprouts · 27/12/2024 09:22

Brainworm · 27/12/2024 08:37

Don't underestimate your role in modelling how to uphold boundaries and standards within a relationship.

You will be showing them the importance of respecting yourself and not putting up with a crappy partner and maintaining your dignity in the process. You will be showing them that whilst some make crappy choices, others can be relied upon.

Totally this!!! I had so much respect for my mum for doing this. I could actually have forgiven my dad were he so much to admit that he acted badly and treated those he was supposed to care for, better…but he didn’t and he lost the relationship with me because of this. Kids generally want to love each parent so they should never be put in the middle of parents struggles even when one parent may be in the right,morally.

DoodleDig · 27/12/2024 09:27

I think facts rather than feelings.
They can be told facts: "He has a new girlfriend that he is spending time with."
Not: "He is spending time with his new girlfriend, the lying, rotten, cheating dickhead."
Which I'm sure you wouldn't have said anyway.
Maybe have a chat with him and tell him the DC need all the basic facts and you won't be lying to them for him. You don't want a situation where they feel that you have lied to them too and they can't trust anyone.
They can then make up their own minds about their dad.

Namechangedforspooky · 27/12/2024 09:31

Just to echo that I think the right thing is to let them make their own conclusions.
i was in a similar situation as a teen and I hated my mum saying anything bad against my dad. It felt like a personal attack on me too as I had half his genes…
It became very apparent quite quickly what the issues were without anyone needing to tell me or my siblings anything.
I hope you’re ok. It is a horrible time. I’ve experienced divorce as an adult too unfortunately but a few years later things are so so much happier. Hang on in there x

ViciousCurrentBun · 27/12/2024 09:53

My friend is further down the road than you and her kids are a couple of years older though it’s the same old cliche story. Her children have seen it for exactly how it is, My friend hasn’t bad mouthed her ex to her kids at all. Honestly it’s the best thing because he is still their Dad. I mean I would find it hard not to and admire her hugely. She has however had many a rant about him to me. I in turn join in and it’s a bit of frenzied banshee wailing to get it all out. The kids are out obviously and don’t see this. I won’t speak to him anymore and he was my friend before, no announcement I have just picked a side. I went over for a few hours yesterday for wine and nibbles, she did me a favour as I could get away from MIL for a while. She hugged me a lot and is glad to have someone to rant to.

LemonTT · 27/12/2024 10:36

I have got to say I have some sympathy with someone wanting to keep a new relationship off the radar post separation or divorce. It can be hidden from very young children but obviously older ones are going to be more aware and curious. It is wrong for him to tell lies to avoid his parenting responsibilities but it isn’t wrong to keep his love life separate from his parenting. For a bit anyway.

I think some of this conversation needs to be about boundaries. OP you shouldn’t really need to know or explain what your ex is up to. That is an important boundary for you - if for no other reason than to not get involved in whatever cover story he is using. This is separate from whether or not he is causing problems with the co parenting arrangement. If that is the case speak to him directly about changing it. A bit of flexibility is ok but if you are being expected to rearrange things repeatedly I would tell him it isn’t working. The downside or upside is that you might end up with more parenting.

It is maybe a good time to talk to the children generally about them recognising that you and your ex aren’t just parents. That you will be seeing and meeting other people. That they should allow some space for this. Children need to learn that they can’t dictate or control other people’s decisions. This is a road to lifelong frustration especially when it comes to people’s love lives.

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