Intense guilt after separation from children’s father.

[CASTL3]

Hello everyone,
I’ve never posted on here before but I feel like I need to spill my guts a little and bar filling up my notes on my phone for therapeutic purposes, I thought maybe I’d get a response / come across someone who’s experienced a similar feeling. I understand each situation is individual, I just need to vent!
it’s nearly 3 am on Christmas Eve and I have spent the evening forcing out smiles and ‘ Christmassy fun ‘ for my children whilst preparing dinner for 11 tomorrow.
the second my sons ( 15 & 10 ) were out of sight, I’ve sobbed my way through playing Father Christmas.

I met my children’s father a month or so before my 17th birthday and he was just turning 28.
We separated just under 2 years ago. I don’t even know where to begin regarding context, we didn’t row, as far as the kids were concerned ( and us tbh ) we were happy.
Then I had some personal realisations about myself, him , us. I held a mirror up to our relationship and couldn’t unsee it.
I went straight to him confused and scared and he couldn’t handle the conversations needed.
We split, essentially my doing; obviously I have my reasons and from a logical POV, I do not think I’ve made a mistake by any means.
But I have discovered how codependent I am. So suffered child hood trauma, I now understand where this comes from.
But I completely conditioned myself to put my ex’ s needs before mine , or even my children’s - breaks my heart to know this is true, but it is.
This wasn’t conscious of course, and they didn’t go without by any means; but he was my absolute priority.

Granted it’s not his problem I had so many issues making me behave this way.
but the ‘ inner child ‘ in me feels so unbearably hurt that he took advantage of me.

( I apologise for the most likely confusing rant! .. it’s a lot !! )

I cannot seem to stop feeling completely responsible for this man’s well being.
I carried him for nearly 15 years and I feel like I’ve abandoned a child.

he was abusive via messages when we broke up, for months.
said some really awful things, to the point police had to be involved.

But regardless of my logic, I cannot stand the guilt.
I feel so awful my kids don’t have their Dad at home.
His presence not here on Christmas Eve ( second on now ) was just awful.
I do not miss him as a partner for me,
But I miss having a family. Home doesn’t feel like home.
I feel so bad for my children it hurts.

again, apologies for the rant.
thank you!

op, your children do have a family with them on Christmas Eve. They have you and they have each other. Equally, you have them, and they love you. I am willing to bet they spent Xmas Eve happily munching their way through chocolate, watching YouTube or a film or chatting to their friends online.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. As a teenager, you went looking for affection as many do because it was missing from your life, and ended up with someone who abused that need.

You recognised it and walked away, which took huge strength and self awareness, and I admire you.

It will take time to fill the gap left by your ex but please trust me, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilt.

I’m in a very similar position and also sobbed doing the stockings last night. It’s grim. But this morning me and the kids did what we wanted - no waiting around for him to have his breakfast and coffees etc before presents. No snapping about mess etc. just fun. Admittedly I went upstairs and cried into a pillow afterwards but at least we can all breathe a bit more and be happy. I don’t miss mine as a partner for me, I just wish I had someone to share these moments with. But then I remember how mentally absent from it all he was - I think I’m missing something I never really had.

Childhood trauma
Groomed on by abusive older man

You feel responsible for him because he has conditioned you this way.

You history makes you massively vulnerable for further exploitation, before getting in any future relationships you need to stay alone a good while, and do alot of work on yourself learning to put boundaries etc in place and to build the skills you weren't taught as a child

You are still very young so although the next year or so will be tricky you have given your children the very best Christmas present.

Are you still living in your marital home? You may find having a fresh start somewhere else useful where you can fill the space with new memories rather than Ghosts of Christmas Past.
I hope you have a fabulous Christmas!

Different situation here but still first Christmas post separation. It's hard. Although I know we've made the right decision, this year has been incredibly painful for me and Christmas has magnified it x 1000. Solidarity x

I don’t know how to individually reply as I’m new to this forum but thank you all for your kind and supportive words.
its not every day you well up seeking validation and venting to strangers! But it’s certainly useful hearing others perspectives and potential insight.
I'm currently in education and studying counselling skills, this is basically a crash course on self awareness and self discovery! I’ve learned a lot about myself and I truly do understand my past. I understand why I .. I don’t want to say make the choices I did as such as I don’t think it’s even fair on myself to call them choices at that stage. I was not adapted to make real choices, but for lack of a better word… I know how and why I ended up where I did and it really could have been a lot worse.
I don’t believe my ex maliciously did anything wrong - but objectively he did and he most definitely took advantage.
he has a hard time hearing / accepting this as he see’s nothing but his own loss. Not being with me or our children in our home.
it truly is a vile situation to be in.
Ive never really had a break up before, I am kicking myself for any previous ill informed judgements I’ve made in my head about people ‘ not being over it ‘ 2 years on!
for what it’s worth despite holding back a few tears I put on a brave face and my sons saw me set up their new things, host for 11 of our family members and put on a brave face all day and seemed happy.. and one of you commented on them just online with friends etc .. yep!
I hate to wish my little ones younger years away, and selfishly my own time seeing as I feel I’ve been blinded for my entire adult.. well and child hood life tbh. but It seems as though time is the only healer here.
I Hope one day this conditioned need for my exes happiness doesn’t feel like the weight around my neck it does now. It’s such a draining load to carry.
thank you all again for your support x

Making the right decisions for ourselves can often be painful because we have been programmed to work against our own interests. Your natural response would be to go back to walking on eggshells for the crumbs of affection he may or may not throw your way because you grew up with that and it feels normal. If it’s difficult for you to justify in terms of your own wellbeing, just remember that you have saved your children from an abusive home life