Help me get a back bone.

[HeyItsMeImTheProblem]

Very recently I discovered that my H has been having an affair. Mostly emotional, some physical. Until the moment it was proven he was telling me how happy he was and that he wanted to be with me etc. The moment there was too much evidence and he had to come clean, he had suddenly been unhappy a long time.

He's left the marital home and I'm here until it's put on the market and sells with our DC.

To date I have instigated all communication and, like a total idiot told him I miss him and love him. I seem to have painted a picture in my head that I'm the one in the wrong and that I want him back.

Please give me a shake and help me to stop being like this. I was unhappy a lot, ignored, dismissed, had my emotions belittled and mostly felt like I wasn't that important / respected.

Let it go what you've said. You can't take it back. It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean you have to let it inform what you do next.

I am recently divorced and there will be tough times and good times ahead.

Accept and believe you are strong, limit communication to what is vital and don't stress about what you said. It's all on him. He broke your vows.

This ^^

He has lied to you. There is no trust now, it’s gone forever.
He could have done the right thing and ended it with you, then pursued the other woman, but he wanted his cake and to eat it.
Not only has he lied to you, but his selfish actions have broken the family bond and security you all had. As a child of divorce caused by my DF’s infidelity, I can assure you that your DD will never forget this.

You are in shock and denial at how he has behaved and how the future that you had planned is falling apart. It not to do with backbone.

This is the first stage of grief of the loss. You’ll quickly be transitioning to anger… You can help your self with moving to the next stage by writing down all the wrongs with your ex and his treatment of you and how you should be treated.

Google the term and to understand what you’re going through.

What's done is done. Time to focus on you and the children now. Don't give him any of your valuable time or headspace. He doesn't deserve it.

You will get through this. Things will get better. It is however, quite normal to grieve the life you thought you were going to have, even if it wasn't ideal. Be kind to yourself and think of the future - it is whatever you want it to be. 💐

I don’t know if it applies to you are not but many people stay in a relationship long stops being fulfilling or what we want from life. It’s not unknown for things to get better as circumstances change and people evolve but mostly they don’t. And if you think the relationship will work once another person changes you are with the wrong person. You have to want to love and be with the person as they are now. You won’t control how and if they change. When a relationship isn’t working something or someone is probably going to come along and push it to the edge in the most painful way possible.

At some point you probably did love him and have happy times together. But just like circumstances and life changes can take you from a bad to a good place, they can do the opposite. You changed or he changed or you found out he wasn’t who you thought he was. You can be happy without him, on your own or with someone new. It is very unlikely you can be happy with him because you weren’t before you found out about his affair and you now can’t trust him.

His affair makes the split messy and painful. It would be good if he admitted this was his mistake but people don’t give you closure in the way you want it or when you need it. And if you challenge and confront him he will just get more and more defensive and probably attack. It’s enough for you to know he was wrong to behave that way and you don’t need his validation and admission for that.

I don’t know you but I don’t think you love him. I think you love a person he could be but he isn’t.

Thank you all of you.

75% of the time I feel determined and strong then the other 25% I feel awful, like I miss him and want the marriage to work.

It's stupid. He won't be thinking the same about me. He's the sort that can just cut someone off and never look back.

It is not stupid. Don't put yourself down because he behaves in a different and worse way. Be glad you have empathy and compassion but make sure you're giving it to yourself only.