Really struggling to cope with ex, could do with words of wisdom

[ikeepforgetting]

Separated earlier this year and divorcing - found out he has been having affairs at work for many many years. We have two teenage DC (17 and 15) and they too are struggling with him - he sends them (and me) regular missives about how he is the real victim, how unfair it is that he is on his own, how they need to see him - regardless of how they feel about everything.

So cue Christmas and he has entered victim boss level. My 17yo is taking most of the flack, 15yo ignores as much as she can, I try to stay out of it otherwise I get blamed for everything. He is seeing them Xmas Eve and Boxing Day and is furious that I won't have him here Xmas day too.

I just want to move on, it was a 29 year relationship that wasn't what I thought it was for 20 of those years. As far as I am concerned, the DC are old enough to communicate with him or not. But any method of communication with me, he uses to complain about his life - never, ever asking how I am coping or managing doing all the parenting, managing the family home, trying to get enough work to cover everything. I appreciate he never thought of me as anything other than a function when we were married and that continues now even though I am supposedly rid of him.

I need to know how to stay sane and get him out of my head and life! He is manipulative and self-absorbed and he sucks everything into that. I thought I was doing well until this latest frenzy of victimhood and I really can't cope with him any more.

Personally I'd mute him on what's app. Direct his emails to a folder you only look at when you feel up to it.

In a similar situation I asked my ex to only ring me at agreed times (Tuesday and Thursday night) as while I fucking hated listening to his whining I could at least block him in between.

I'd suggest getting your children to do similar.

Thanks for replying @Octavia64 , I have blocked him on Whatsapp, but he's using the notes function on the shared calendar to whine now! He is supposed to use it to mark in when he's seeing the DC but instead he uses it to complain at me that they don't respond to his messages about how lonely he is and how they need to see him/respond, etc. He is a self-pitying wreck and is making no attempt to get on with his own life now we are apart. I am, quelle surprise, doing all the work

You're right, the DC are old enough that you don't need to be in the equation. If they block him, so be it. You are choosing to if you continue speaking to him. No one can force that upon you now. I wouldn't accept his calls and certainly wouldn't have him in my home. He deserves no more.

And they are not able to set boundaries with him, they try and he tramples all over them after 5 minutes. So they have already asked him to ease off on messaging and it's gotten them nowhere because he thinks he knows best

So @AnarchismUK do I stop ALL contact and responding? I am trying to get the divorce process moving so I worry he will make that even harder as a way to blackmail me into getting the kids to see him

So what you need is a way for your DC to have boundaries with him.

Are they prepared to block him in between contact?

Switch to email only.

Think the DC need to have "fixed" contact so there doesn't need to be discussion about.

If your dc are not messaging him back and he’s getting on to you about it, that’s very manipulative. He’s doing everything he can to make them bend to his will.
I would mute WhatsApp and look at it when you have to, if you see he is messaging you just ignore it. He can’t expect the kids to have to see him because he is lonely!

You can file for divorce without him.

Then you can either meet up with him (we met in maccies) or do mediation to agree stuff.

Your kids are old enough that if it gets difficult and goes to court the court won't make them see him. It's for them to agree the schedule.

I would agree that for the next year or so however they would benefit from having you in their corner.

They'll get fed up with him soon enough. Encourage them to maybe agree a weekly phone call or something and block him the rest of the time.

My two found therapy helpful.

I presume you are not all living in the same house.

Yes. I only dealt with mine through the solicitors. If the children are dealing with him directly to arrange contact, you don't need to have anything to do with him. They tend to go off the deep end when they lose control over you.

@Octavia64 Me and DC still in family home, he hasn't found a 'proper' rental yet where he can have them over. He wants us to stay here until youngest finished school, but it all feels like part of the control

I do see how it is all about control - there is never a real will to do what the DC want, it is all about what he needs/deserves/should have according to his weird narrative about he's the one who is hard done by

I started proceedings in 2019 and then got bogged down in Covid so we didn't actually get it finished until 2022.

One of the things that helped me was changing my surname by Deed Poll. No longer having the same name gave me back my own identity.

I also had some life coaching to help me give a shape to my future. My life now is nothing like I pictured it would be (I'm caring for elderly parent), but having a mental image of the future really helped focus me. It gave me something to aim for when things were shitty. I would just think to myself "This is only temporary. When it's done, I will be xxxx "

You have to hold onto the fact that things will be better, but you have to wade through a pile of crap to get there. When you are through it though, it's great. Life is good and I am happy. Hang in there, just keep pushing forwards.

Block and tell him you are only willing to communicate by email. Create an email address and tell him it's the one you're using now. It will be a dead letter office, because you just won't use it other than when you want to contact him, and those occasional emails will keep him believing you are seeing his messages.
As for the messages on the calendar, just tell him if anything he wants to tell you is not in an email you won't be reading it.
You may want to send the occasional one sentence response just to keep the fiction that you read his messages going. Just say something noncommittal like; "I'm sorry to hear that."
With manipulative people you can't go completely no contact with, often the best thing to do is beat them at their own game.

There is a type of gray rock technique called Cool Bummer Wow. In a nutshell, you have a choice of those three types of brief, noncommittal responses depending on what the person says. Since all he does is whine, you will only need the "bummer" type responses. "That's a shame," "that sucks," "how awful," etcetera. You make generic sympathy noises and that's it.

Xmas was awful, his presence hung over bloody everything. The DC saw him Xmas eve and he left sacks of presents in the house for them to open, they were completely overwhelmed and spent most of the day in their rooms. I then got another shitty note furious that they hadn't spoken to him on Xmas day and that it is somehow all my fault for being angry at him and I need to 'heal'. I thought they were at the very least messaging him but as said, they were in their rooms apart from having dinner with me.

I did reply to that one to say that he needed to think about how they are feeling and stop making it all about himself.

They saw him again last night and I think have now made a plan to see each other every other Sunday. I know he will be awful about that if they backtrack or change their mind, or make other plans.

Because of all of this contact I have had a shit few days, I feel like all the work I have done to progress has been undone. I don't know how I can get him out of my life, and to stop blaming me for what he has done.

@ikeepforgetting this is still very raw. It's your first Christmas apart so all these new scenarios are difficult. But you sound like you've got your head screwed on and you will be better off without this energy zapper in your life.

The advice above about Cool Bummer Wow sounds spot on. Challenging someone like this is a pointless waste of your energy. He can't see anything from your POV so don't waste time trying to point it out. My ex is like this too. He's brilliant at playing the victim. Have a set of canned answers "The children are old enough to make their own decisions about when they see you. I am not attempting to influence that." The Sunday arrangement sounds like a good option if that's all they are prepared to do just now. Not much down time for you though. Nothing is set in stone and it evolves.

I am a few years on from you and it's only now that I feel in control of my own life. I am still in the family home and I think that was a mistake (though financially it makes sense as house prices here are very expensive). If you are able to I would consider moving. Psychologically it will be a boost to have a fresh start.

Make 2025 the year you take back control. Use the techniques listed to attempt to cut your contact as much as possible. Changing your last name sounds like a good plan. All these things will be very freeing, and they send messages. Could you afford to get some counselling.

What roobyred said about having a canned answer is a good strategy. You can't get through to a person like this and get them to see reason, because they don't want to. The cling to their false victimhood like a life raft because they don't even have an authentic sense of who they are, cannot bear to face the truth about themselves. He won't change, so you have to change, in the sense that you have to stop giving him the power to hurt you. It takes time and practice, but you can get there. Eventually you will be able to shrug his bullshit off, but to get there you need to stick to gray rocking.

Thanks so much, that's just the advice I needed today @roobyred and @XChrome . You're right, it's raw and painful and I am desperate to protect the DC from his manipulative bullshit. I need to disengage and use the stock phrases only. I completely agree that time will make things easier.

I am getting counselling and have been for a few months, was making really good progress but it's like picking a scab on an almost healed wound. I'll get back on track in January.

Really interesting what you say about the house @roobyred. My DD is starting GCSEs and doing main exams in June 2026, and I can't afford to buy in this area near her school. I wasn't planning on moving until she's finished, she's had enough upheaval. But that brings massive downsides in that he shows up at the door whenever he wants (doesn't come in because it's the last bloody boundary I have) with excuses about walking the dog or whatever. And he still has a key.

I have a solicitor and will speed up the divorce process in the new year, I fully expect him to use the house and any settlement as a weapon to get control back over us again so I need to steel myself and get through it. Grey rock all the way!