Would the court “award” me more time with my children?

[Whatisittomorrow]

My ex husband (divorced 2 years ago) and I share our children 50/50. One week on, one week off. (Agreed between us, no court involvement)

We both would like to spend more time with our children, but keep it at 50/50 so it is fair.

Last year he took a job 100 miles away from the town we all live in and spends part of the week there.
On his week with the children, when he is working away, his mother looks after our children.

I have, on several occasions offered to help ex MIL out with the childcare duties. (Because I want to see my children more) And even asked if they can come to me for a “sleepover” on his weeks when he is not local.
I am at home, working flexibly and am free to help (desperate to see children. And equally my children say they miss me).

I feel the children would benefit from being with their mother, when their father works away. (They have told me they prefer to see me than their grandmother). But I have not repeated it or asked the children anything further as I don’t want them to see me be sour about ex or for ex to say I am causing issues.
We always speak positively about exh in our house. Although I know ex speaks poorly of me at his house.

It feels ex controls the narrative. All birthday/christmas plans seem to suit him. I am trying to stay civil and not rock the boat. (If I rock the boat and stick up for myself/the children, he will be spiteful)

The divorce was acrimonious. I don’t want to rumble things further. However out of interest, if we did go through courts to change the childcare arrangement. How likely is it that I would be given more time with the children, given the above circumstances?

I feel for you. He's not playing fair. How long is his contract for 100 miles away? How old are your children re. getting their preference acknowledged? You could possibly get a clause giving you first dibs on additional time with children if the other parent is unable.
I'm not a lawyer, of course.

Yes you can go to court and ask for the "right if first refusal" if he isn't the one caring for them.

How old ate the children?

Children are 6 and 8

thank you for your replies

Thank you both. I didn’t know about the “right of first refusal”

I had thought that from a legal standpoint, what he does with the children (ie who looks after them) on his time, is down to his decision.
I had hoped the children’s wellbeing is taking into consideration.

His job is a permanent position. Not contract.

I think you have a really good point. Can you speak to a family solicitor for free 30 mins to get a gauge on whether you have a case?

How is this working with school, sounds hideous for the DC tbh.

It's his right to use what childcare he wants that doesn't negate the court awarding you the right to do it instead. I would approach it that it's fine for GP to be doing some of it and for them to have a strong bond but not when it's to the detriment of them spending more time with one of their parents and it's what the DC want.

The sooner you do it the better tbh the longer you leave it then it's become the status quo.

A bit young to be heard but seek legal councelling.
I think as long as you let dad have the children then he is in town (planned and sorted) you have a good hope of them spending time at your place.

Ask him for mediation first and try to have more time at yours in his week working around when he usual goes away. Tell him you'd rather not have it legally set in stone as you'd like to support the children when he needs to be away, but you'd like them to be able to spend time with him when he doesn't and you know the time he spends away can vary.

It's obviously based on child maintenance- if you have the children more he has to pay you some maintenance. So don't mention that yet.

How old are th kids? If over 10 they'll start to care about their views.

Keep a diary of what kids say and what the impact of this situation is on them

Also how many days does he work away is it all week, or is it set days? If always set days it makes so much more sense for them to sleep at yours

You are right in the "who ever looks after him in dad's time is up to him" but that is more to do with occasional babysitters or his choice childcare whilst he is at work and picking them up that day.

Not a solid week of being at GM regularly because he chose a child unfriendly job. I think you'd gave a really good case at getting them during the time he is working.

I agree

This is typical male BS. He wants them 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay child maintenance but isn’t even there to look after them.

Stop being such a pushover. You don’t have to co parent with his mother!

Don’t take him to court let him do that but for goodness sake do not let this continue for a moment longer.

He can have the children when he is in town! It’s that simple.

When the children are in his care it's up to him how he handles childcare. He's within his rights to hand them over to his mum for the entire week even when he's not at work if that's what he wishes. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, but when he has the kids the parenting is up to him and you don't get a say in it as he doesn't when you have them.

It would make more sense for you to have them when he's working away but if the arrangement works well for you at the moment I wouldn't rock the boat. Things can get out of hand very quickly.

Fathers want their children 50/50: trying to avoid maintenance

Fathers want their children every other weekend: he's a glorified babysitter

Mumsnet logic.

🙄
Because there's nothing in between is there

There's no "right of first refusal" in the UK with custody I'm afraid.

@drspouse it's not called "custody" and yes it can be requested as part of CAO.

50/50 is not appropriate at all if Dad is not around Monday to Friday.

It doesn't work like that however much he wants you to believe it does.

Take charge here OP.

It will be about maintenance as PP have said. If he is at all reasonable, speak to him about the children preferring to stay with you, and assure him you won't be claiming maintenance if that's what he is worried about (presuming you won't be of course - obviously not saying he shouldn't be paying)

I have no interest in seeking maintenance from him. It’s purely for the children (and my) desire to see each other more.

I don’t actually think he wants 50/50 to ensure no maintenance either. It’s more of a case he wants to make things uncomfortable for me.

I asked today (in a polite tone) about having them for an extra overnight this Christmas (as he has 9 consecutive days with them coming up… it’s just how it- Christmas and his/my work pattern has fallen this year. I have them for slightly longer weeks either side)
He emailed today “You are the one that left them. You are 100% responsible for losing 50% of your time with them..You get zero sympathy from me for not seeing them. It was your choice to walk away from half of their lives.”

Also I’m sure I don’t need to point this out. But I never left “them” (the children). I left the exh and moved out children live with me every other week.

Mediation is a very good idea. Thank you for that suggestion. He’s very difficult to reason with.

-How does it work with school- very simple actually. We have a changeover day each week. One drops at school in the morning and the other will pick up after school and continue for 1week.

I more meant it sounds like he lives quite far from school so the DC have a longish commute and don't live near their friends and activities.

Unless he was abusive then I believe you have to try mediation before court. However he isn't going to agree to it is he? That least message says it all. The 50:50 is to punish you.