Sorry this is a long one. I was in an abusive relationship for approx. 5 years on and off. Mainly emotional and looking back a lot of coercive control. However, occasionally physical too. I have two daughters aged 4 and 5 with him.
Our relationship finally ended in August 2023 when my neighbour called the police due to hearing him shouting and me presenting with a black eye. This was done a week previous but neighbour obviously had concerns. My eldest witnessed me falling through a door after being punched by her father.
Father was never physically abusive towards the children but caused them a lot of emotional turmoil when he would disappear for weeks on end after arguments. There were other times he directed rage towards me when the girls favoured me doing things for them. He would also not give them any affection if for example they didn’t give him a hug when he asked etc.
I called the police on him a couple of times on him over the course of the 5 years but really only to get him to leave the home then would stupidly get back together. We had SS involvement once in which NFA was taken. However, after the neighbour called the police they opened a CIN plan on my request for extra support for me and children and I ended the relationship for good.
Ive done a lot of healing and now realise the extent of the abuse and feel so ashamed I stayed as long as I did. I can see some of the effects of this abuse coming out in my eldest child and it breaks my heart. It could be unrelated but things such as:
- always heard her dad say he never wanted daughters only sons. Now she wants to be a boy, only interested in having boys as friends, wants her hair cut off etc (she’s 5)
- super clingy with just one friend at school is very sensitive to any failings out to the point she tried to bite me and told me he hates her and that she loves him why can’t he love her
- Not doing very well at school currently on a plan to see if there is any SEN
- Hyper sensitive
Initially as part of the CIN plan the social worker was trying to contact him as I agreed to supervised contact. He didn’t engage at all with her and he essentially cut off the children for 7 months. My children were heartbroken. I pleaded with him.
As soon as the CIN plan finished and SW was no longer involved he contacted me asking for contact. I begrudgingly agreed to supervised contact (his mom supervising) as long as he never cut them off again and showed up everytime unless there was an emergency.
Everything went well for a few months and we started to get along after he reached out to clear the air. I would allow video calls with the girls and was more relaxed on him taking the girls to the park on his own etc.
Then he got into a new relationship. Long story short after a few months she contacted me to say she had to call the police after he physically assaulted her, racially abused her and made threats to unalive her and her disabled daughter.
He blew up at me for not telling me she had messaged me and we have been no contact since summer’24. I immediately called SS who said I would be within my rights to stop contact. I was worried I would be viewed as not safeguarding my children again if I didn’t take action so stopped contact.
Then I ended up hearing nothing for months from SS so allowed contact again. This was only once before a health visitor was assigned to me and I was told to stop contact until she had done her investigations. I’ve not heard from her since. I thought it was in my children’s best interests to stop contact and because I haven’t heard from him or his family for around 6 months that it was all done with. I then got a message asking if he could video call the girls. I ignored. I’ve now got another message asking if just his family can come around to see the girls. However, I know after Christmas they won’t make any effort with them. They haven’t seen them at all for 6 months, hardly ever saw them before that. They also did not believe the abuse when they were first informed years ago, always belittled me for calling the police. Now they believe me but they have still stood by him. Bloods thicker I know.
should I allow contact with him or his family? Will this just more emotionally damage my daughters? I’ve asked the school for support (also requested in CIN plan) but they continue to do nothing. My eldest daughter asks after him almost daily but I’m terrified of the emotional turmoil he will put them through. I cry so much knowing I can’t fill this void in her heart but also knowing he will shatter her emotions without a second thought.
I’ve also been told by SS and health visitor that if I allow contact and anything happens to them it’s on my head be it (regardless of whether it’s supervised and I’m not there) But it’s still my choice and they can’t advise what to do.
There is so much more to all of this but concerned I have written a lot already. Thank you if you’ve got this far and for sharing any advice or your own experiences.