We've been together over 10 years and married 8. 2 young kids. Only found out a year ago he is autistic (a year prior to that privately diagnosed as adhd but when diagnosed as autistic they seemed to suggest they don't think he is adhd). He has a professional job but the diagnosis all made sense as he has VERY black and white thinking, has never managed to maintain friendships and even familial relationships. He's had complaints from clients that he is off hand etc.
We have SO MANY issues but what seems to be happening most recently is that he is acting like an obnoxious teenager and is trying hold me responsible as the "controlling" one, when I'm trying to have reasonable conversations. Tonight he lost his temper because i asked my son if he wanted a daddy bedtime or both of us and he wanted both. Dh snapped at me that I was interfering with his bedtime and inserting myself into shower time with the kids?! I had to tell him to stop as this was in front of our son. It alike he is possessive.
I want to know if its even worth me trying therapy as I feel like I need validation. I also want some advice on how bad this could get if we split as I worry about his and his family's influence on our children.
When he knows I am seeing friends or his step mother he has accused me of fabricating things and that I shouldn't be talking to people about us. Said to me "you can go back to slagging me off again like when I caught you last time".
He says I'm stopping our children having a relationship with his mum (she actually cut us off years ago and I've since recognised how toxic she was so we have never resumed contact and life has been far easier without her manipulation). I said from the go that I'd support his relationship with her but he needs therapy as there are toxic elements to their relationship and before I'd expose our children he needs help recognising that. He's never sought therapy. He guilts me by saying Christmas is coming another one where she misses out. Last time we talked he told me that he didn't think I actually cared about him getting therapy and that I just didn't want the grief of dealing with her 😳
He speaks to me horribly I feel - things like "you're acting like I've shat on you", "you're getting bent over it", "the days of you having the final say are over". I admit I'm the one organising things and making suggestions trying to keep the wheels on because he is forgetful and chaotic. I deal with all the life admin, deep cleaning, organising and cooking and work part time. He does walk the dog, do daily house cleaning and tidying up of toys etc.
He is quite "anti-woke" and made several comments about people having an agenda, me having one etc.
We don't have sex and haven't for well over a year. I do have some physical issues with a prolapse which I've been referred for but obviously I just don't want to with how things are between us.
Whenever I try to have a conversation his tone is angry, aggressive, can't hear my opinion, no empathy AT ALL. When I've then tried to say I don't feel comfortable talking to him about it because of his tone he then acts disgusted at the suggestion that he's being intimidating.
I try really REALLY hard to be a reasonable person (he's even used this against me in a discussion as he said oh I know you've said before you'll never let yourself be seen as the bad guy...that was something I told him I had to say to an ex actually as he was physically and verbally abusive, not even my husband!!) but I just feel like everything is twisted against me and I'm being gaslighted (again he accuses me of this?!).
I've pushed for us to have counselling for months which he pushed back on because he became consumed by a complaint made against him at work but that is clearing up now. I have now had to give a date of when he needs to sort or I want to look at separating.
We have a very much quarter renovated dump of a house which will NOT sell (I know the market here) or we would lose considerable money on if we split and I'm very worried about his and his mother's influence over my children as I know he will just expose them to her and all her shite.
He's a loving and caring dad to our children.
Is there any point going to counselling?! I suppose I'm desperately hoping for them to offer some validation. I have got myself some individual therapy starting very soon. Please help.