Has anyone’s partner did this before separation?

[Itsmyturntobehappy]

Told Dp i want him out. After 21 years together. No intimacy for the last 6 years (but struggled with it for years) just found out he racked up thousands on a credit card. Not discussed with him what he spent it on as i suspect it’s online porn or similar which he has done before or even worse escorts no idea and don’t really care to be honest.
I want him out. He’s always been a huge introvert possibly Asd or similar. Always struggled to be involved with the kids to have patience so i’ve pretty much done everything. Over the years i have mentioned splitting up and his answer was always you can’t justify splitting up for the kids even if you always argue and the tension is toxic at home.
He then always gets very panicky and rather than accepting things, he suddenly pulls himself together and tries to act supportive and a caring father for a show so he can build his case on how he doesn’t want to miss out seeing the kids growing up (which i don’t see why he would if he wants to be part of their lives)
Anyhow i’m 100% set on that i do not want to be with him anymore and im hoping he is mature enough to agree and move out but have a feeling he is going to use xmas as a big effort so then he say what a lovely holiday it’s been and how could i want him to leave?!
im really struggling with sitting tight while he is playing games

He will absolutely use Christmas to show how he has changed. But you know it’s just a show. I think this happens a lot, men change for five minutes then revert to their usual crap. You will be so much happier without him.

He doesn’t want to be discomforted, but all the years you being unhappy were fine with him. He will do absolutely anything to stay comfortable now.

This might be an unpopular opinion, I do really sympathise with you, but can it wait until after Xmas for the sake of the kids? You're saying you want him to move out, but this isn't easy for any human to pack up and leave their home and their children. I would suggest getting Xmas out of the way so your kids can experience it stress free. Once it's out of the way maybe pull him to the side and explain how you feel (again, if done already) and be clear you'd like to split. Don't tell him to move out but suggest all the reasons why this would make sense etc, and reiterate that you're willing to give him a bit of time? This calm approach may make him get it together vs panicking and trying to be dad/partner of the year

I think the same. I have no family around and my kids are my everything and i want the best for them and i can’t bear the thought of them feeling upset that daddy won’t be living here (even tho he worked away a lot all their lives) I just have to keep telling myself that i’m just a tool he uses to watch (from the distance) his kids grow up while everything is done for him yet im just a maid who is unhappy.
His work means that i can’t rely on him for childcare so it makes it impossible for me to work full time hence being financially independent seems impossible. I feel like everything is against me in this and i’m being selfish for trying to break free and honestly just want to be on my own.

@maria2bela1 yes that’s what’s happening. i wouldn’t do that before christmas and he knows that.

It's sad and not easy, but it's not selfish to follow your heart, it's actually worse to pretend you're happy when you're not. When people are unaccepting it's harder because you feel you're forcing someone out of a situation they want to be in. Honestly, calm conversation and level headedness is the only way thing that will make process smoother, maybe even helping him with options of where to stay etc, reminding him he will need room for kids to also stay with him (subconsciously comforting to him as his first reaction may be that his kids are being taken away from him).

I’m absolutely open for him to come back here whenever he wants to spend time with kids as i think his only option is moving to his dad and he has no space for 3 teens and a 5 year old.
All i want is the best for my kids and if it means him being around thats amazing as we have no one else who would care about them.
Its just that i do not want to be with him anymore and the resentment makes me bitter and angry which turns me into someone i don’t like so it’s for everyone’s sake.

The thing is Op you feel you have to justify why you want him to leave so he goes out of his way to change deliberately to be the opposite of why you want him to leave. By the time he reverts back you have lost the will to insist he buggers off. This time you tell him you don’t love him, no explanations to why the love is gone. You, when he fleetingly turns over a new leaf, tell him that his new age man act won’t work, you want him gone because you don’t love him. He can’t break you down because you don’t try to explain anything. It’s one of those things.
He sounds a very distant man so children will feel alarmed obviously but you won’t be depressed stuck with him and they will end up in a happier home. He will try to make you feel guilty and get you to feel your doing the wrong thing for the children, if there has not been any intimacy for six years then you are just two people house sharing. Just remember to be like a stuck record … I don’t love you

p.s you only get one life and deserve to be happy!

Thank you @SpryCat i agree with you. Unfortunately he is a very stubborn man. He almost thrives on challenges like this as awful as this sounds if it was an ordinary xmas he would sleeping til late now that he finished work and just miserably hang around the house instead he is getting up early to do exercise to show me how wants to change and break the toxic habits that he couldn’t for the last 20 years.
The only thing on my side is if i can say is this debt that he’s built up in the last 3 years. He is very narcissistic and would absolutely hate if people found out about it so the only way to deal with him is almost to corner him in and say as long as you can be reasonable i won’t be telling anyone but if you become difficult and try and use the kids and brainwash them, ill have to tell others what he’s done.
This i know is very nasty and spiteful but i don’t see anything else working.

My ex used to pull it round at the point where we were about to split up, but he could never sustain it. He had a new girlfriend withing a couple of months of splitting up and qui kly moved in with her. He must be running himself ragged behaving himself at the moment to makesure she doesn't see what a lazy manipulative bell end he is and pull the rug from under his feet before she is in too deep to escape easily.
Do it, you and the children will absolutely be happier in the long run.

Thanks @TheLurpackYears its nice to know that i’m not just imagining these things, this really is they way they are. I don’t think they are doing it out of spitefulness but just weak and not able to change how they are and we picked wrong all that time ago.
I honestly just pray that i have the strength to go through with it in january

You don't need to make him understand or convince him of anything. You can just pick a day and tell him.

I'd be telling him that he has until x date to find alt living arrangements. Whilst he's in good mode at least the dc will have a nice Christmas. But you'll know you have a deadline. I'd absolutely use his debt as a way of getting him out too.

Thanks @JustWalkingTheDogs i know it’s not the nicest but i feel the only help i can get.
i have decided i will tell him he has until thursday to tell me what’s going on. He is at home now off work so he has all the time to sort it out (or to blow another 15K)

Is it your house ? What makes you think he will leave?

its both of our house and my point is that i hope he sees that this is the right thing to do rather than i have the right to kick him out. If i was in that position, he would have gone a long time ago

Hi Op , have you checked the benefits calculator online , to see what you may be entitled to , if he does move out ?
I would as you say , be concerned that he would rack up more debts , so there may be some merit in not saying anything else about separating until after Christmas .
Ideally you should try and get an urgent solicitors appointment now to try and get advice about this
. Also January is the busiest time for divorce lawyers .
Whatever happens , hope you and your family have a peaceful Christmas and think of the all the other holiday periods going forward when you will be on your own with your kids .

Thanks @imfae. We aren’t married and yes i have had a look at the benefits calculator.
I know women say this all the time but i don’t think he would do this to his kids and cause an absolute nightmare and cut us off financially.
Obviously remains to be seen…
In terms of the separation i have told him already and he acknowledged it and said he would talk to his dad but for now he will stay in his office which never happened as it had no heating so never stayed in his office but i have since asked him if he has spoken to his dad so he knows i’m expecting and answer and not forgotten

Have just asked him if we can talk tomorrow morning after kids have gone to school to talk about it practicality and a arrangements and he said that’s fine so fingers crossed i’ll know a bit more tomorrow.

In regards to him trying to pull you back round, have you tried saying 'there's too much damage done, I don't love you any more and it would be really bad for the kids to grow up in a house where that was their relationship model, we need to prioritise the kids here and it would be wrong to teach them that this is what a relationship looks like, when one person is really unhappy' or something - or would he go 'yes but you'll make the kids and me unhappy' ...although I guess the answer to that is 'that would be short term, and plenty of kids grow up with divorced parents and are happy, it's more damaging to a child to grow up believing that a relationship where one person is really unhappy is normal' basically pull the focus towards 'it would be wrong for the children to stay together, we need to do what's best for them long term' if he says 'what a nice Christmas we've had' you could say 'yes, and im really pleased that we have both proven we can co-parent well, so we can do it when living separately
My utter sympathies towards you though, he sounds awful. Why do men do this, treat you and the kids like they don't love or respect you then desperately cling on if you try and leave. Wishing you all the best in getting through the next few weeks.

I would be considering work options you have? I have no family near, used wrap around care. You are not married, he only needs to pay DC maintenance.

I used to think that you don’t know a man until you live with them, I was corrected by a wise woman who said that you don’t know a man until you break up with them.

It’s all good and well telling your DP you want him out, but it’s his home and he doesn’t have to go anywhere. Can you buy him out/take on the mortgage?

Bear in mind that even if he ‘does the right thing by the kids’, if he’s up to his eyes in debt then his creditors can and will go for his equity in the house. In the interests of stability for your DC, it’s best to keep things amicable and then either buy him out or sell and split the proceeds from the house.

Thanks @SavingChristmas24 i have asked work to increase my hours already.
i am really hoping that by him having more time for himself and not be constantly part of the chaos with all the kids and the noise, he can be a better dad when he is around them.
yes yet to see how it goes

Married? If so he should not be moving out until you have completed draft consent order at least. That means the full legal financial disclosure D81 etc is done. Go to ADVICE NOW link to see how this works. But no one legally will advise him to move out ahead of this.

not married? Even less rights . He owns his home too. He doesn’t need to move. He’d be advised by any solicitor to stay put until you agree to how you’ll split financially, and do thst. House will be sold or not as outcome to this.

sorry, but it is just another of those big naive myths you can chuck a partner or spouse out of a house where their name is on deeds or tenancy. It’s just not possible. And is rarely successful unless that person has a cheaper cost saving alternative to go to. You are advised not to leave either, if your name is on deeds,

like divorce process, you will have to learn to live separate lives under same roof while fiancnail agreements are done,

if he is abusive, then it is going to police and reporting and then getting some sort of non contact order which means he would have to leave. But you’ll need evidence of this for police.