Advice re abuse/separation/coercive control

[Buscake]

I’m looking for some advice 2.5weeks after my 16yr marriage (23yrs together in total) ended very explosively. We were on CPP last year after my eldest sustained injuries from him. He has MH issues and I foolishly agreed to support him. Since then his aggression has been bubbling, MH worsening, taking drugs, drinking etc. until he started to control the finances. He was abusive to all of us and children’s services are v involved again in a super supportive way. They are helping me to understand that I have been in an abusive and coercive relationship for years. It’s impossible to get my head round. Non-mol has been granted for a year.

I have answered no to the Q re if he ever physically hurt me. But I’m starting to wake up, and to realise that I have to stop ‘protecting him’

He was physically abusive to me before our marriage when we were students. On one or two occasions I hit him back and he would use this to paint me as the abuser. I can honestly say I only ever did this in self defence, to try to get him to stop.

He hit me and intimidated me after our marriage, before kids. It was a similar pattern - he would lose it with me, beat me into submission and then be loving and regretful. I stopped resisting, and the physical violence abated. The intimidation and physically threatening behaviour did not go away and this continued right up until that last evening together when it all came to elan end.

He would always literally deny this ever happening; I would estimate 10 times in total without counting physical intimidation/aggression. If I tried to talk about it, he would say ‘you hit me, you’re abusive’ when it was the other way round. I still feel loyalty to him, despite everything he has done.

I am so scared that professionals will not believe me because I haven’t been honest from the start. I am so worried that this will change their view of my parenting and my role as a strong protector. They already know that he is emotionally, verbally and financially abusive as well as deep coercive control. He has told everyone I’m insane, paranoid etc.

This is classic DARVO, my ex did it too. I was fortunate in that my ex wasn't physically abusive, he only threatened me once we had separated and he realised he couldn't control me any more. It does make you feel as if you are going a bit potty tbh.

You need specialist help with this, your local Women's Aid should be able to provide this. It is coming up to their busiest time of year though so you will need to keep trying I'm afraid. They are under resourced and sadly, there are so many women who need help.

They will believe you. They are used to working with women in your position, OP. They know that it is hard to open up and be honest from the start. Please don’t worry.

Thank you both. I feel like if it was a friend I would be saying the same to them, but I am just questioning everything and have no one to ‘check’ with :(

im on waiting lists for DA support but no timescales so not sure how long this will take. It is really really getting to me. I’ve spoken to refuge on the phone last weekend, and tried today but the wait was endless and the kids were wondering where I was.

what will the DA support look like do you know? I just find it hard to believe that anyone will believe me about any of it

They will believe you. I thought like you and was surprised when police arrested him. Luckily ss, school and DA support had worked together to form a picture of what my DC spoke about as well as what ex was saying and doing. Ex also says I am the abuser but it is a known tactic. I hope you get DA support soon. Support can be practical such as finding a refuge and helping apply for benefits or providing names of solicitors who specialise in DA, and also emotional with regular meet ups or calls one to one. They can help enroll you on courses such as freedom program or help find resources for your children. Take care.

Thank you for replying it helps me feel less alone. Police and CS have been involved but police just aren’t interested. I am so scared about how he would react if I disclose this and the implications for us. I told the SW I was scared he might kill me, but she didn’t seem worried or hear my fears.

I’ve read the book that came with the freedom programme but it felt quite dated - references to Tony Blair government etc. I also found it confusing - the negatives and the positives both applied to him. He could be the worst father in the world, and he could be the best. What was real? How much is in my head? It’s a scary place to be right now and I am struggling a lot.