Time to seperate - top tips and advice

[MarellaJoy]

Reposting as the first one was badly phrased and so wrong points answered too (already aware so thank you).

So after Christmas I will be asking my DH for a separation. It won't come as a surprise to him...he asked for 6 weeks to prove he can change and be the DH and DF we deserve but nothing has changed.

I need to know how best to prepare for this as I know it will be tough. All advice and personal experience is welcome. I have already spoken to a solicitor who has given me generic advice which was helpful. Any other services I can speak with?

My DH are 3 and 5 for context. We have been married for 4 years together for 10 years. His family live far away. Mine live about 30-45mins away.

We will both need time to figure things out such as him finding a nearby flat and me finding someone to help with nights (max 2 months and then he needs have found somewhere?!) I work nights and oncall so currently looking into an au pair. I also have family who are amazing and will definitely help me where possible.

Advice Needed:
How and when do you tell the kids?

Practical childcare custody arrangements.

I've calculated what he should be able to afford to give us pm so I'll request this and see how it goes.

Do you have to be separated for a certain amount of time before being divorced?
I really want to stay in our family home. The mortgage is as high as what I would have to pay for a 2 bed flat in the same area. I also can't afford to buy him out.

Did anyone successfully come to an agreement such as (When/if I sell the house when the kids are much older you can then have your share of the equity based on the value when you left).
Im finally feeling strong and confident in my decision. So thank you in advance for the practical advice/support!

this is the drug addict DH… yes?

OP the fact he’s a drug addict kind of drives advice

but you don’t want to hear that

Yes the reason I'm leaving is because he thinks it's socially acceptable to take cocaine with work colleagues.

He does not take drugs at home or any context outside of work events. E.g if he at home, or with friends and family he is able to have a drink and not have cocaine. This i am sure about. I don't fear he is a risk to my children. He is not at that level yet but If I stay I am sure things will get worse. He may stop of he quits his job but he does not wish too.

You described him as “drug addict”

You

a “cocaine addict”

and almost a year ago he admitted to you he was a drug addict

you can’t keep brushing it under the carpet

it lies at the heart of your question

I already know he's an addict. Thanks

so you have created a new thread that omits that critical detail because we were advising on the original thread that your suggestion of him having the children overnight Twice a week was nothing short of madness

he admitted he is a drug addict to you 2 years ago

OP…. you and your children deserve better

you did then
you do now

You may not be able to kick him out as he has sane rights to live there as you do

if you can’t afford the mortgage or to buy him out it’s likely you’ll need to sell

this us all very one sided - you want him out, you’ll tell him where he lives, you’ll tell him his much he’ll pay you, you’ll stay in the house etc etc.

i think you’ll find it won’t go like that at all !

and if you do get a mesher - ( slim chance) when he gets his share it will be on the value at the TIME of SALE. Eg he gets 40% deferred for 10 years. You pay mortgage but in 1@ years he gets 40% of equity at the point of sale ( ie the house appreciation). That is how it works and totally fair as you’ve tied up his capital so he can’t invest it elsewhere while having sole benefit if it.

It’s up to you when you tell the children really.

Childcare and who has what % is again decided between you, although if other posters are correct and he is a drug addict then I’d assume you aren’t happy with him having sole care of your young children?

With regards to money for the kids, it’s not really about you calculating what you think, go via CMS. They will calculate what you are owed from him.

The reality is unless you are able to buy him out, you’re not going to be able to stay in the family home. No court these days will force him to stay on the mortgage and be without his equity for 15+ years so that you can have the house, it massively reduces his lending power to get his own home and means he’d have to pay higher % stamp duty if he did manage to buy another home as it would be a second home. Unless there are large savings/pension/other assets which you could trade off for the house you will have to either buy him out or sell the house and split the equity.

Agree with @Mrsttcno1

So you know you want to leave him.
I think the first step is to go and see a lawyer.

The questions you’re asking are fair enough but there are so many things that will influence what you will or won’t be able to do.

As a general pointer

• who will be the RP is something that will be decided between you. I get why you’d think you will look after them but remember your starting point should be 50/50.
• If you’re on the mortgage, you should be able to transfer it to your name only. BUT only if you can buy him out or other assets are equivalent to his part on the house. That will be his pension mainly. (Or more precisely the difference between his pension and yours).
• You might well not be entitled to even 50% of the house if your pension is higher than his.
• CM will depend on your arrangement re the dcs!!
• The house is his as much as it is yours and will stay like this until you’ve reached a financial agreement. It’s all good to assume he’d find a flat nearby. But he doesn’t have to!
• Dint say anyth8ng to the dcs until you’ve had a chat with your dh and have an idea of which way things will go - him moving out or not, his involvement etc….

Please go and see a lawyer. It will help you get much more clarity of what’s possible and make plans accordingly