Hoping this is met with kindness and understanding. I have two older children with an ex that I was married to for 8 years. I have had years worth of trauma and trouble with him, lots of abuse, but that has settled recently. I have the children the majority of the time and they spend Christmas with me etc (his choice) and I’m the one to take them abroad etc. so I am the primary parent.
I then spent years in an on/off relationship with someone who wouldn’t commit to me. Call it low self esteem but I was in love. I ended up getting pregnant, he committed and (eventually) became a step dad to my other two children. He’s always been a very hands on dad, does loads, but as a partner I have lacked many things and we don’t have much trust for various reasons.
I have moved out of my house and left him living there a few times because of toxic arguments where I’m called all names in existence, but lately it’s got worse and I think I’m in denial. I need help and advice. My current partner/ex would want 50/50 unlike the person I was married to. The thought of being without my child that much seems impossible, like it physically hurts. And I do love my partner. So I have tried everything in my power to make it work because I know life would be better in so many ways.
This recent argument started because my car broke down 150 miles from home. He was actually working nearby, about 30 miles away from us. I was changing my tyre on the roadside with three kids in the car and I called him to ask him to wait at the services so he could ‘escort’ me home like drive behind? The mechanic I spoke to said I was at risk of my tyre exploding so I had to drive under 50mph and stop every so often to check the tyre didn’t overheat etc so I was really scared as you aren’t supposed to drive more than 50 miles on a spare. He replied ‘I’m already on my way home so I can’t’. I lost my head, crying, panicking like ‘why wouldn’t you want to help us??’. He responded with calling me a manipulator, a liar and loads of other names. Fixated on how dare I have a go at him. He kind of mocked me and said ‘I told you to call the AA, you make a big deal out of everything’ even though the 1.5 hour journey home took the kids and I 6 hours. There are obviously many other stories, so so so many but that’s just a recent one. My dad died when I was 23 but I just know he would have come to help me, he would never have left my mum. He would have offered to take the kids or follow behind me to make sure I was safe. Maybe my expectations are too high I don’t know.
He doesn’t want to split up, mainly I think because I have a nice house and he likes being there for the kids, but I can’t go on anymore. I wake up shaking with anxiety, I cry every single day. I know it’s not a way to live. He’s making my life hell. Hounding me with messages. He has a bad anger problem so when he’s calm he’s the nicest person but as soon as he’s angry it’s game over. He threatens me with court, even though he sees our child as often as he likes, he’s just so bitter and angry at our split but I can’t physically stay in it anymore; I feel like I’m dying. When things are good, we are best friends and it’s so good but as soon as there is a disagreement it’s high level toxic straight away. He has been such an amazing stepdad, and the kids don’t want him to leave but they don’t understand what it’s like for me. He’s a real ‘mummy’s boy’, they talk all the time, and a lot of arguments would stem from him saying ‘I’m taking out now as my mum wants to see her’ and I might be like ‘oh I have planned something, can you go after nap time?’ And it would blow up. He’s almost fixated on pleasing her to the nth degree but never seems insistent on pleasing me in any way. But he can’t see it. Its almost like jekyl and Hyde. Hes lost his job recently (but then got another good one) and the way they pushed him out has honestly I think destroyed his mental health. But he won’t get help.
But how does anyone coparent with more than one person? My parents were married 25 years before my dad died, so without placing judgement, I never expected to find myself in this position and I feel like a failure. I can’t stop crying. My heart is constantly pounding, I’m dizzy, lost loads of weight. I love the kids so much and when they are with me I feel ok but when they aren’t I feel so desperately lonely and like scared? Maybe because they are my purpose right now.