Overwhelmed - abuse - renting - what to do first?

[jumphigh24]

So our marriage has been crap for a while. All H does is moan and complain about how shit I am. He doesn't speak to one of our sons at all. Yesterday he physically threatened me and I want to go.

I have enough savings for about 6mo, I don't want to get social services, housing...etc involved.

We have a joint tenancy, he can't afford it on his own, but also refuses to leave. So I guess I have to give notice to our landlord? And then he can negotiate a new tenancy with them? He has a low income, he's unlikely to be successful. We are on a very low rent because we've been here for so long - landlords will probably use this as an opportunity to "up" the rent considerably. His problem.

I could call the police, womens aid, the council....etc. But seeing as I have some money I would prefer to just move out and be self-sufficient without involving any "services" - I feel like I would be giving up control of what happens.

So what do I do first, then what, then what? Its Christmas, I've done nothing towards it, we're all desperately unhappy, I have work to do, I'm exhausted, and I am living with a man who hates me. I have not started divorce yet, I have no idea about financial settlements...etc. I just want to be out.

Please help me make sense of it all.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Do you have anywhere you can stay in the interim? I know you have some savings, but just as a stepping stone until you find somewhere else more permanent to live?

I’m sorry you are going through this. Do you have anywhere you can stay in the interim? I know you have some savings, but just as a stepping stone until you find somewhere else more permanent to live?

My mum knows the situation, has a spare room, but hasn't offered. She likes her own space. She doesn't have much of a relationship with her grandkids either so I think this would be difficult. I think renting would have to be my "stepping stone". I've made some inquiries this morning. The thought of furnishing and kitting out a whole house fills me with overwhelm too!

I think if you were to contact Women's Aid @jumphigh24 they would be able to help turn your overwhelm into achievable plans. They have helped many, many women and children in your situation. A bit of real life support from them it will make all the difference to you.

And they can advise how to keep yourself and your children safe, which is essential at this time. Please never underestimate what your husband might do, he's already showing you who he is and he won't take kindly to you making your own decisions.

I would:
find and secure a rental
give notice to your current landlord
ask your mum if you can store important things you want at hers for now (passports/photo albums/baby clothes you want to keep etc)
take cash back out everytime you shop so it doesn't look like you're storing money and keep a float of cash hidden with your mum or trusted friend.

take what furniture you can from the house (kids beds etc).
Ask around on FB marketplace for any furniture you need.

Massive good luck.

I think you should do some research into the local rental market as it is very much going to inform the timings and sequence of your move. In many parts of the country it is a landlord’s market. They do not like to have voids. Therefore a tenant who can move in straight away is preferred, as are dual income couples.

If your local market is very competitive then the landlord will go with a couple with no children who can move in straight away. Having 6 months rent in advance might be helpful here as would being able to move within a week.

I found the idea of a rental too overwhelming too…I’ve moved into an Airbnb for two months. Ready to live in, all my utilities included, equipment, bedding, towels etc. I gave myself a week to enjoy the space and then started looking for a rental.

I left on 25th October and picked up rental keys on 29th November. Have been decorating it, furnishing it since and move in from the 23rd when my Airbnb finishes.

It was terrifying to not have a plan when I moved but I just had to get out of there. It’s a minimum six month rental (often harder to find tenants for but suited me) and I intend to apply for divorce after Christmas so am hoping I have more clarity over my housing situation by the time the rental potentially comes to an end.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation . I am glad that you are thinking actively of how to get out and are putting your kids and your safety / welfare first .

As others have said
even if you don't want to go through WA to find urgent accom for you , could you even phone them for advice ?

Do you know what the rental prices are like in your area and if you are able to afford this long term . I think there is also a benefits calculator you can access online to find out what financial support you may be entitled too .
Are you having to stay in a particular area because of your job / children's schooling ? Can you find out from your local authority / housing associations nearby what their waiting lists are like and if there is any possibility of you getting your own tenancy . A lot will have large waiting lists and may only be able to offer your emergency accomodation

. I think this is where WA come in useful and also Shelter .
If private tenancies are the only realistic option for you , it would also help to find out a bit more about these and what you might need to secure these .
I know you said your mum likes her own space , do you think that if you asked her outright and said how desperate you are she may agree to you living there on a short term basis , even 6-8 weeks to get beyond the holiday period ? You could agree what you could do to give her some space eg taking the kids out as much as you can at the weekends . I know not the best time of year and you don't want to be wandering the parks all day in Dec / Jan but there will be some activities that would be free / cheaper than paying out an extra month's rental .This would allow you some extra time to save up and get a bit more organised .

I hope you and your family remain safe and that whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck . Take care .