Contact after no contact

[AGaudyKnight]

DC1 (young adult) told me today that after 8 years of no contact (court agreed because of DV and exH’s inability to recognise he had done anything wrong) they have been talking to exH.

As a family we went through so much with exH, DC were hurt by him, I have scars from what he did to me and it was a relief when the court eventually decided that contact wasn’t in DC’s best interests. DC1 said that exH still refuses to admit he did anything wrong, but he is interesting to talk to and they’ll probably meet up. I was pretty shocked, but automatically said unchallenging things like, that’s fine, he’s your dad, etc.

What makes this harder is that DC3 has been experiencing depression and periods of psychosis which the psychiatrist has said was due to significant childhood trauma from their father. Because of her psychosis I am on constant high alert, barely sleeping and only just managing to keep on top of everything.

Then DC1 said that exH asked where we were living so he can send a Christmas card and DC1 has given him our address. He has previously broken into our home, although the last time was almost six years ago, but it terrified DC and I spent a lot of nights lying on the floor of their bedroom so that they could sleep. So I’m worried about how DC2 and DC3 might react to him knowing our address and tonight I haven’t managed to sleep at all apart from one hour, when I woke up in the middle of a massive panic attack.

I spent a lot of time in counselling learning that I was allowed to set boundaries with exH, I could relax and trust in the security of my home, etc. I’ve tried to communicate this to DC as well and it took years for them to feel consistently safe.

I don’t know what to say to DC1. I know they have a right to a relationship with their father, but I am so panicked and once again furious (at exH, not DC1) because we are still dealing with the fallout of exH’s abuse, 10 years later, and he STILL won’t admit he did anything wrong. This house is our safe space and I was really looking forward to Christmas as a time where we could hunker down as a family and try for some peaceful normality, but I’m now going to be on edge at every sound.

Is it fair to say something? If it were just me, I’d vent to friends and not say anything to DC, just go back to counselling to help with emotions. But DC3 is going through so much because of exH’s abuse and for DC1 to be chatting to him feels like a slap in the face.

How old is DC1? You say they are a young adult? At their age I would have sat them down and given them a warts and all truth of what happened with their dad. And I would also explain they had no business giving out your address and you are really annoyed with them. But had you told them the truth earlier perhaps they wouldn't have thought to tell him?

Where do things stand legally with your ex, was he convicted of offences for DV / breaking and entering / stalking? I would assume yes, since the court ordered no contact? Is there a non-mol in place? Do you have a DV support contact with the police?

I agree with @somuchtodonextyear I think you need to tell DC1 an edited version of the truth. DC1 has put you all at physical risk by revealing your address. DC1 has put DC3's mental health at further risk, and has also removed from all you the security of knowing ex-H did not know your address.

I can understand why you didn't think it was necessary to put safety protocols in place when your ex has been gone from your lives for so long. How did he even make contact with DC1? I'm guessing through social media? I wonder if the contact started prior to DC1 turning 18 and therefore a breach of the court order.

It's good that DC1 currently feels able to tell you what has happened with your ex, so at least you know that he knows your address. But it's very concerning that the ex could be grooming DC1 to be an accomplice in your continued abuse.

I would talk to Women's Aid and Rights of Women UK to find out what you can do now to make you all safer.

They’re 20 and know most of it. I don’t think it’s right to tell them about the rapes, but they are aware of the rest of it, partly because they lived through it and partly because exH went into a big self-justification rant about how anyone could and would have done this to DC and me.

Sorry, I worded it badly. This is the same house we lived in when he broke in before, but I made noises about moving even though I couldn’t afford it and he lives 4 hours away so when contact stopped (and I had the house fitted with all security) I thought we could stay. So it’s more that DC1 has confirmed that we still live there.

No convictions, just a psychologist’s report and Cafcass saying no contact. He insisted that I had to do all handovers and then kicked off outside the courtroom which I think helped the judge decide.

I think I'd still be honest and remind them of a few home truths. They are adults and mature enough to understand the ramifications of what he did. In your situation I'd even go so far as to remind them who exactly raised them over the years. That you don't have to support their relationship with him, that you can't stop it but that you don't have to be happy about it either

I'd tear your eldest a new arsehole.
They are an adult who has directly endanged you and your young children.
They are either incredibly fucking moronic or blasé and just don't care.

Tell them their monumental fuck up now means they themselves are a danger and you need to limit their contact with you all as they can't be trusted
They can't be in your home anymore and you don't want a word said about their father to you or your children.

Well yes DC1 at 20 can decide to meet and chat.

But he has no right to drag you into and take away your choice of safety and disclose your personal information such as where you live.

So I would give some home truths. He needs to understand he can't unilaterally make decision or choices that effect others without consent.

Even with friends, if someone asks for another's number I get their consent to pass it on..

If he's old enough to make all these decisions he's old enough to have all information to make an informed one and learn responsibility towards others in his decision making process.