Worried about friend appeasing narc Ex

[Newbie1011]

I’m hoping for some advice from wise mumsnetters. A friend has been blindsided by her husband announcing he wants to split. They have two DC aged 5 and 7. To make things messier, this friend has worked for him doing accounts for his business etc for the past ten years.

Issue is that my friend is obsessed with keeping things ‘nice’ between them and I don’t think deep down has accepted what is really happening here. She is also terrified of racking up legal costs and has little money.

As a result I fear she is going to be absolutely walked all over in this. He is saying she must sell family home or buy him out. He has de registered her as a director of companies they used to share, claims the companies are making no money and hold no assets, she is convinced this is untrue and he is hiding money but there is no proof.

Her ideal scenario is a Mesher order which states she can keep the family home until youngest son is 18 but she fears she can’t obtain this without involving lawyers and a huge legal bill which she can’t afford to pay.

My suspicion is that the ‘large legal bill’ (no idea how much this would even be) will be a lot cheaper in the long run than having to sell her home and somehow buy a place on her own but I’m struggling to convince her. Can anyone help me advise her or share their experiences? Thanks in advance.

Your friend won’t get a Mesher order for 13 years (if the youngest is only 5).

Even if she did get a stay of execution for a few years she would have to pay the mortgage in full herself as well as maintenance and outgoings. Can she afford to do that?

Mesher orders are a bad idea (IMO). They only push the housing problem down he road. In 13 years time - will she be able to buy the EH out, house herself? What will her ability be like to get a mortgage in 13 years time?

Your friend needs to get solid advice from a solicitor (which she will have to pay for). The free 30 mins is only really a sales pitch.

If she’s worked for him, and she was a director, she must have some notions of profitability! Were they living on fresh air?

Inevitably assets will be split up. The house probably will be sold. She needs a solicitor and must push about money she’s not privy to. A colleague of DHs had all his financial paperwork sent to the office, not home. It was all found in the end. He bought her out though. It’s a case of negotiating for the best settlement and the best outcome for dc. But getting solicitor is now vital.

You haven’t provided enough information to say whether she is approaching this the wrong way. Some couples can stay friendly and work out their finances without lawyers. They achieve more or less the same outcome as a warring couple spending thousands.

In many cases the only probable outcome is to sell up or buy out. A mesher order would only get awarded in specific circumstances. He is not going to want it and won’t suggest it. If she wants it she will need to go to court if he won’t agree. That probably means lawyers.

As an accountant and, his accountant at that, she should know the value of the business.

Thanks for all the replies. I think she did think she knew the value of the businesses and feels the companies were profitable and doesn't understand this sudden alleged downturn.
Yes I am sure it's better not to involve solicitors if both parties can be reasonable and I think she hopes for this but as an outside observer it feels more like this approach is resulting him in getting whatever he wants without much challenge.
Do you think a Mesher order for a few years might be possible to obtain?
I think she'd definitely stand a better chance of being able to buy him out or buy somewhere better in a few years, because she can get back on her feet/ a new job/ save up money in that time. Kids older, less childcare needed etc. Where we live property prices are very high - splitting their assets in half now will not result in either of them being able to buy a decent property for the kids in the same area, even if the kids share a bedroom.
But that's useful to know how high the bar is for such an order. And no, I doubt she could take on the whole mortgage herself.
Whole thing is so sad.
As you all say, I'll encourage her to see a solicitor and push re: money she is not privy to.
Thanks for all the advice.

Why does she want a Mesher order? She’s not going to get one just because she wants to stay in the family home for longer. It will only be suitable if there’s not enough equity for the primary carer to be able to buy something else. And it will only be suitable if your friend can take on the mortgage and have a realistic chance of getting her ex off the mortgage. Can she do this? Otherwise it will be a sale or buy out.

Okay well if she won’t be able to pay the mortgage then it’s not going to work. Doesn’t sound like the DH could afford to pay the mortgage and rent and I can’t see a court thinking it was fair for him to do this. Can she move to a cheaper area with the children? It’s not ideal but getting divorced does usually result in a drop in living standards for both parties.

There are many ways in which a mesher order can be enacted. It is not limited to staying in the same property or the resident parent being solely responsible for the mortgage.

They are not awarded because the resident parent is unable to buy. Buying a house isn’t a need. If renting is made affordable with the equity share then renting is the housing option.

Yes they are only awarded on the basis of need because they keep money away from the other spouse. Plus they offend against the clean break principle. Owned will be preferable if at all possible but obviously sometimes that is not possible.

In this case how will the mortgage get paid if the wife can’t afford it and nor it seems can the husband?

It would be rare but he remains a party to the mortgage.

Yeah but how will he make the payments if he has to pay rent as well? If neither party can afford to pay then the house gets repossessed.

And it’s actually not that rare for the other party to remain on the mortgage- sometimes there’s no other option and they can afford to keep paying it. But most the time the person staying in the house has to use their best endeavours to get them off it but ultimately it’s up to the bank. If they can’t, they can’t but I can’t see a court thinking a Mesher order is a good idea where neither party can realistically pay the mortgage going forward.