This may be a long one but this barely scratches the surface!
I’ve been separated from my ex for almost 3 years (moved on happily married now) and we share two children together a boy now 10 and a girl now 8. After we split he made the decision to move back home over 100 miles away from us and initially not by my lack of trying had no contact with the children for just shy of a year to which in this time I believe he blocked my number. The only time I would hear from him would be when he knew I was away with the kids for example we did a short trip to Disneyland and I received a message saying “ I could really f* with you right now” after not hearing from him for months.
In 2023 my children only saw him once and spoke to him less than a handful of times on the phone, he never sent a card or called on birthdays or at Christmas and since the start of this year my children have seen him once and my daughter has spoken to him exactly 6 times of the phone for a maximum of 25 minutes at a time. Back in March 24 it was agreed that he would finally pay some child support (£100) after he said he couldn’t afford what the CMS calculated for him and that he should stick to regular weekly phone calls as his absence was affecting our daughter. He agreed to Friday phone calls at 7pm which he only managed 6 calls from march24 until the 28th June 24 and still since June to this day has not called to speak to her despite her trying to call on days like Father’s Day and getting no answer. I have kept communication open for him and he has not taken advantage of this
During our relationship there was domestic and sexual abuse and I have recently been made aware by my 10 year old that he also smacked him around the face on one occasion when I was at work and he has said there is more but he’s not ready to talk about it yet. My daughter is experiencing self esteem issues and self worth issues saying that she doesn’t think that her dad likes or loves her and she’s not good enough and that she must have done something wrong because he doesn’t call. I’ve had to put them both into therapy to help talk through their feelings as when he does pop back up they both act out with aggression or bed wetting.
Our son no longer wants anything to do with him and refuses to come to the phone on his rare phone calls. He asked about a visit for before Christmas of which I gave him a date 5 weeks ahead and said that the visit will only go ahead is he can stick to his Friday phone calls as she doesn’t know who he is and has no relationship with the person she is supposed to call “dad”. 5 weeks on and the visit is due this week and he didn’t call once but she sat there waiting for him to call. I have said he can have 2 hours on the agreed day which he says is unfair but doesn’t see that what he is doing is unfair to the children as it doesn’t affect him.
i have confronted him on his absence and get the response of how it’s my fault because i ended the relationship and my priorities are wrong because im thinking of cancelling the visit. When I mention how his priorities are wrong he says how his priorities are on him and building something for himself and how life has been unfair on him (I know more than he thinks as I’m in contact with his family, he’s fine). When I say she’s missed out on spending time at Nannie’s house for the night and that’s what she’s planned to do on the afternoon of his visit he says things like “I didn’t realise you par her off to your mother every Friday” when I’ve just told him she’s sat there waiting for him to call on Fridays all because she wants to spend time with her nan after weeks of waiting for him. He is a full blown narcissist that cannot be reasoned with unless he gets his way
what I want to do to save all of our mental health as he sets off my anxiety heavily and save my children’s mental health and self esteem is to cut contact and tell him that if he wishes to have contact with them then he can contact me through mediation because he couldn’t stick to our agreement.
would this be unreasonable?