Too guilty to leave a marriage

[Anon260]

Hi. First time to post. Been married to my wife for 17 years. We have a 12 year old daughter. Got married too quickly after a divorce. My wife was also just out of a long term relationship. We got married 5 months after meeting up. I wanted more time, but she kind of pressed me to get married. Being a lifelong people pleaser, I said yes.

Soon after that, it became clear that my wife was a very very critical person. She used to scold me a lot. I felt useless, low, and generally a loser because I couldn’t do things to her standards. But I also didn’t set boundaries. I was too afraid. Whenever I spoke up, she would manage to find a way to throw the blame back on me. So I learned to stay quiet and just try to be OK. But I wasn’t. Sex died along the way.

A few years into our marriage, I started flirting with women who were flirting with me. I was always successful at work and that drew attractive women to me. I felt wanted. But the cheating made me feel horrible. Made me feel like a fraud, a cliche. But it only stopped after my wife found out. We had an almighty fight. I apologised but explained why I got there. She accepted that partially. But we vowed to fix the marriage. Things were OK for more than two years: I did my best, and she toned down her criticism of me.

But I find myself unhappy still. Whenever she criticises me for not following through on something or for messing something up around the house, even if it’s now occasional, I feel miserable.

I have been working hard on myself for the past year: doing therapy, reading, meditating, understanding the sources of my anxiety and people pleasing (a traumatic childhood filled with abandonment and abuse). I have come to the conclusion that we have spent years locked in a toxic pattern: she is frustrated with me, and I feel that I can’t do anything to measure up to her expectations. I don’t blame her anymore for feeling frustrated. It’s her right. But it’s also my right to say I don’t want to feel the way I feel anymore.

I told my wife a year ago that I am thinking of a divorce. She crumbled. We went for marriage counselling, but the sessions slowly turned into a platform where she attacks me for feeling the way I feel. She says I turned her into an evil person in my mind. I know I didn’t. She is not an evil person.

The last two months have been different. She is kinder and more understanding. But I feel it’s too little too late. And that is making me feel really guilty. I am stuck between two feelings:

• I don’t want to see my wife hurt. I care about her. I don’t want to see her cry, or fall apart.
• I don’t want to break my daughter’s heart. I love her to no end. I love her beyond words.
• But I know I am not happy. I am not satisfied. On the best days, I am not fulfilled in this marriage. I have no desire for my wife. I don’t want to spend time alone with her.
• I am longing for time alone. To set my priorities and do the things that make me happy without worrying about disappointing others. I don’t want anyone to expect anything of me (apart from my kid and my responsibilities toward her)
• And if I ever meet someone else, I want to be with someone who is tender, caring, kind and compassionate above anything else.

But guilt is tearing me apart every day. I was hoping for some perspective. Sorry for the long post.

Sorry you have so much guilt about your decision. I have been with my husband for 17 years and for 16 of them, he has been controlling, abusive and let me carry the majority of the housework. The resentment really built up, I tried to explain how I felt so many times but he didn't listen. Last year I ended up having an emotional affair and he found out. We tried marriage counselling but couldn't make it work. However, of his own accord, he's massively stepped up around the house, done a lot of work on himself and become the partner I always wanted. But for me, something has gone now that I don't think we can get back. Like you said, it's too little too late.
I'm just getting through Christmas for the kids, but ultimately, I know that leaving will teach them not to stay in an unhappy environment, and to learn to love yourself.
The book too good to leave too bad to stay is a real eye opener and I think would make you realise what you want from a relationship and release some guilt. From reading your story, I think you deserve to find happiness.

Thanks a lot for your compassionate response. You, too, deserve to be happy. The thing is, so does my partner and yours. I have come to realise and understand that everyone is just trying to be happy. People who care for us don’t wake up and set out to hurt us. But I have also understood how hurt people hurt people. This applies to me. I hurt my wife by cheating. I should have responded to her mental abuse of me by setting boundaries, by warning her or saying that this is a red line. I couldn’t. I spoke up a few times and she shot me down, so I cowered. I blamed myself. I thought surely she is right. I am no good. But then I resented her, and I acted in an unhealthy way.

I am trying to forgive myself and forgive my wife. But I am resentful that she doesn’t not, to this day, understand or appreciate how destructive it is for me to feel emasculated.

She is trying to be kinder and more understanding now. But just last week she expressed her frustration at me for not washing the dishes properly and with her frustration came the same language that basically means I am useless and unreliable. Mind you, I do my fair share around the house. But I get flustered a lot. I struggle to catch details. I know it can be frustrating.

In any case, I have a big decision to make.

Yes op, I understand what you have written. Another one here with lots of similarities including a childhood filled with abandonment and abuse. I think this really does impact us being able to make this decision. I also understand the feeling of walking on eggshells. If your wife isn't willing to make a change after you have expressed your concerns, then there is little you can do (some people just won't and don't want to see that they are part of the problem). Do you really think things are going to improve? You have a sense you married in haste, I think often people do get married for the wrong reasons and we have to go gentle on ourselves because we are human and make mistakes. This is more likely if we have low self worth and very likely after a difficult childhood. The worry about how dc will react and be affected but also this...

I'm just getting through Christmas for the kids, but ultimately, I know that leaving will teach them not to stay in an unhappy environment, and to learn to love yourself.

I have made the decision, no question, it is now a question of when. It is a horrid feeling of stuckness. This time of year seems to make things feel even worse for me.

No real advice op but just to say, I understand all you have written. I am in therapy working through my issues. I hope sooner rather than later, I will be able to make the move.

Children are pretty resilient. It’s conflict that hurts children. As long as you remain a significant presence in your child’s life by which I mean still doing lots of day to day parenting not just occasional fun bits then your child will adjust. Some people manage to coparent really well. My ex is always very negative about me and lacks any insight into himself so coparenting hasn’t been easy and often I’m faced with the same behaviour I left him over. However i don’t regret leaving and my dc now have a calm and happy home. I’m very conscious my dc have no experience of what a healthy relationship looks like having only seen a dysfunctional one. ending things that aren’t working is a good life lesson for your children on healthy boundaries. Older children can understand that romantic relationships can run their course in a way love for your children doesn’t. We are also made to believe there will be some massive shame in getting divorced but I can honestly say after the initial upset other people didn’t care that much. Your daughter will have school friends that don’t have 2 parents living together and she will be able to see they are doing just fine.

I wanted to offer some support as I have been in a similar situation. What happened with me is that I started flirting and someone who I had liked for a few years flirted back. I remember his eyes from a party such a long time ago. So within a couple of weeks (with no guarantee of anything happening at all) I broke up with the partner I share a child with. This was fairly recent. I’m not going to lie, it was a rollercoaster. But I felt amazing and free afterwards. No more constant criticism. I’m a little bit lonely sometimes but the interestingness of my life now makes up for it. I had lost interest in being alone with my ex, too. And the sex never did much for me. I don’t know why we stayed together for so long. I think I was just so determined to have a child and I thought because I was in a “long term relationship” that ending that would be the end of having a baby.

My ex was hurt, very very much by me breaking up with him. However, he should have known that he was controlling and it was making me unhappy. I did actually tell him about it regularly but he didn’t listen.

I see similarities with Sonny and Cher’s break up, and relationship, now that I look back. It took me a long time to wake up. I was in a weird, dependent state of mind. Now that I am single I have a new life and am independent. Because I’m older I get to play at being a proper adult. When we got together all those years ago I was barely out of adolescence.

Staying with someone just for stability but without a deep love is not fair on the other person either. Perhaps your wife will meet someone who shares her passions if you break up with her. Maybe other people care more about the things she has criticised you for. My ex did the same to me about silly things like the dishwasher, too.

You can be happy, so can your wife. Your daughter will learn about healthy relationships in the future when you meet and become a couple with someone kind, thoughtful, gentle and caring.

But I find myself unhappy still. Whenever she criticises me for not following through on something or for messing something up around the house, even if it’s now occasional, I feel miserable.

So what do you expect her to say/do when you mess up? Do you expect her to remain silent just because you’re too sensitive to take criticism? And at the same time you come onto an internet forum with a catalogue of her perceived faults.

All philandering men demonise their wives, it gives them an excuse to do what they’re doing. Would your wife accept that she forced you into the marriage with a gun to your head, or would she say that you are rewriting history?

If you want to leave, then leave. You don’t have to turn your wife into the devil incarnate to justify it.