ExH viciousness please help - causing health issues

[BinkieBoo]

Have been separated from ExH for almost 6 years now. I can't cope with co-parenting with him. It isn't co'-parenting; it's counter-parenting. Everything I say or do; he does the opposite. Something as simple as asking for a water bottle to be returned turns into a big argument. I try so hard to grey-rock but it's impossible. The DC don't like seeing him; there is always tears before they go to contact (we share the holidays).
When we first split up he reported me to social services and the police and has continued to do so on and off. It's all been no further action but the stress of having social workers ringing me up, speaking to the school, etc. has taken its toll. He's refused to be flexible with dates for no good reason but to be spiteful. DCs missed out on a holiday with my family because he wouldn't swap dates around on principle (when he has asked to switch dates around I have obliged). DCs hate going to his as he's just not very nice to them. He refused to let them call me till it was written into the court order. He would confiscate the older DC's phone. He's unbelievably tight with money; refusing to pay anything. He doesn't like stuff he has paid for going to mine so he's done weird stuff like sending DC in weather like this storm with no coats (not that I wouldn't return the coats!)
He's had a string of new partners and his personality / even the way he dresses has changed each time. He is like a chameleon. More so than this, he has parented differently depending on the partner. E.g. one partner was really into 'sanctions' and rewards so he did that. Current one is into reward charts so now he is doing that. He reported me to the police when the DCs had the flu and couldn't get out of bed to go to contact even though I said I would send them for an extra night when they were better. School recognise he is an odd and strange man, they know he is carrying on with this post-separation abuse but will stay stuff to me off-record they don't put in their reports.
I've just developed an illness which I am sure is due to the stress of having to negotiate with him. My own DPs are suffering too; my DM is depressed and taking anti-depressants. My DF has developed high blood pressure. I am so worried about them. They are totally traumatised by his behaviour; his family was extremely dysfunctional and abusive and my parents, as well as the rest of our family, welcomed him into the fold and he'd say how they were more like his parents than his own ones were. Since splitting he has reported them to the police too (again, NFA but terrifying for my parents who've never been in trouble with the law)

I don't want to give too many examples of what exH has done as it'll be too identifying but I am desperate for help. I can't go on like this. Youngest is only 5½. The idea of another 13 years of co-parenting with this man is unbearable.

OP I'm so sorry to hear this - your poor DC . Why does he have them if he's so awful with them - does he think he's a good dad? Does he like seeing them? Or is it to spite you? If he's expecting to be around long term you could try telling him they'll remember all of this and it will affect their relationship with him when they're older and can choose whether they see him or not - I think about age 11 or so - see if that motivates him to be better with them.

This is awful. I would try to limit communicating with him to only in a co parenting app. Make drop off easier by hugs before the kids get out the car, and pick up get the kids and immediately walk away. Don’t engage in conversation, no matter what. If he wants to ask you about something remind him to use the app and walk away.

Will their teachers contact you if the kids need coats?

If he won’t change dates or be flexible just accept it for what it is. Don’t ask him to change and don’t allow him to change.

My ex was like this. He wanted the kids half the time so I couldn’t have them all the time. Had no interest in actually caring for them. He would often just not pick them up from school or after school activities. No jumpers or lunch. I kept a diary and once I had enough ammunition I took him to court and now he only has one night a fortnight.

Sprry for my late reply, I didn't get notified that anyone had replied!

I don't honestly know. They don't enjoy spending time with him. At all. I think that yes, he thinks he is a good dad. But also I think that he sees them as an extension of himself; e.g. he has got one of the DC playing tennis, because his favourite sport (at the moment, it always changes) is tennis. DC doesn't even like tennis and has never shown any interest in this.

I also think it is to do with money... When we first split up I was reeling and didn't think to ask him for any maintenence. We went for 9 months without anything. When I finally went through child maintenance he ended up paying a lot less than I thought he would based on what he was working. He is unbelievably stingey with money and I am sure he has increased pension contributions or something. If it is 50/50 then he would not be required to pay it.

I think that at the moment, he's doing better with remembering PE kits etc. because he is hoping to take me back to court.
However there have been numerous occasions that they've gone without.
DC has come home on a Sunday covered in mud from the previous day on numerous occasions, it's horrible. He never ever showers them or gives them a bath. Their hair is matted.

Handovers are awful when they aren't done at school; he insists on having them till the exact last minute even if he gets here at like, 2 minutes early, when we're having a party or something. He absolutely refuses to speak to me or acknowledge me at handovers. If I say anything, he says "I don't think you should talk to me like that" and refuses to speak. It's deranged. He avoids all eye contact and just looks so shifty.

He is obsessed with winning, he always was madly competitive but now it feels like my life is the competition is... Life? Our children?

I really think you just need to ignore him.

I could’ve written this - the spite, refusal to swap contact days, even after you’ve done the same, sending DC in inappropriate clothes, stealing kids clothes and uniforms, social services calls, the fact the school think he’s odd… list goes on. My ex has finally settled on a partner, but I could also tell when he had a new girlfriend as he’d start ‘behaving’ -
almost acting that we had a great co-parenting relationship.

the term counter parent really struck me- that’s exactly how it feels for me.

my ex is a textbook narcissist. Yours is too. I understand how exhausting it is, it is never ending and you have my every sympathy.

inwpuld suggest speaking to women’s aid to see if they can offer some support or counselling. This is abuse. It’s very easy for people to say walk away from him, but it’s impossible to completely cut him off when you ah a kids. It’s also hard to let him neglect your kids when they are with him.

The brutal truth is that you have to ignore/ignore/ignore. Don’t let him wind you up. Limit contact as much as possible. I’d suggest handovers at school. And follow his lead when doing handovers in person- just ignore him. They feed off your reaction. You know in zombie movies when they tell people to act dead? It’s like that. Don’t react. His entire personality revolves around provoking people and making them angry so he can feel better about himself. Do not give him it.

he will try to provoke you through the kids. Don’t react. Don’t complain. Kids come over without jackets? Don’t say anything. I know it’s tough, but he doesn’t listen to you anyway, so why say anything? Once he realises it doesn’t bother you, he’ll give up. It feels counter intuitive, but it’s actually the best way to get him to stop the behaviour.

this will sound brutal ( and it’s so so hard) but you almost need to stop worrying about your kids when they are with him. They will survive not washing and wearing dirty clothes. They can make up their mind about him when they get older…and they will.

Sometimes co parenting isn’t possible so you have to look at parallel parenting instead. It sounds like you may need to insist on using a co parenting app to protect yourself and limit all other contact. If your ex is a true narcissist read up and understand they will never change unfortunately. I’d recommend seeing a counsellor that specialises in narcissists to help you navigate this.

Also how old are your kids? You need to think very carefully about their mental wellbeing in this situation too.

I have some of this but not as bad. Textbook narcissist and punishing you for having the audacity for not still being in a relationship with him. I hear you OP. Sending a massive mumsnetty hug. I'm sorry I don't have advice. My ex still reduces me to tears just by an email. Can you get some professional advice at all?

Agree - limit communication to parenting app
Our Family Wizard can be used in court

OP, I am so sorry that this is happening to you all. I completely understand the feelings around having to send your dc’s when they don’t want to (and it goes against your gut) as the courts have granted contact. It is horrible when people ask why you “let” them see him-you don’t, you are forced to by the law.

I no longer reply to anything that isn’t contact, and always reply with either “no” or “that’s fine”. After a couple of months he has finally got the message that he will get no other response. I also do not pick up phone calls.

I moved house a few months ago and refuse to give him the address. He has a tendency to show up at the house and I didn’t want him having that power any more. He knows where DD’s school is, but doesn’t need our address.

He also has a tendency to send dd home is age 2-3 clothes (she is age 8). I now send her to his in the clothes he sent her back in. He is too stingy to buy her new ones, but has a mountain of clothes I have purchased her that he hasn’t returned, so I know that he has clothes for her.

It is so, so hard having to have this man in your life, but as you slowly get some power back his power over you will diminish. It takes time, but it does happen. Huge hugs xxx

Funnily enough when we split (he left me, I was really ill at the time) I was assuming we would co-parent, put our differences to the side for the sake of the kids, yadda yadda. He insisted from the bat on parallel parenting. Although I didn't know it had a name at the time or that it was A Thing. Obviously since he has carried on being absolutely awful, parallel parenting is the only viable option (and he was refusing to co-parent anyway). Although it is actually "counter parenting"

I have realised now that he won't change. It is really depressing to realise this 😔

Thank you so much for this... The clothes are a real issue. He always kept clothes, and if I asked for a specific item back he'd fuck around (e.g days after I needed a red item of clothes he was messaging me going "I don't have a red one here. I have an orange one from Primark). So he gets in a little jab about Primark and also is just contrary about the colours it's really unbelievable.

Yes exactly!!! It's absolutely horrendous sending DC to him. The don't want to go but of course if I go against the court order I am literally breaking the law and people not familiar with the family court don't realise this. It goes against all your instincts to protect the DCs, keep them somewhere that they fell safe. Lately he's been insisting on the younger one sleeping in the dark. DC is afraid of the dark but he doesn't care. I know that if I message him, he'll dig in his heels even further. So poor little DC is sleeping poorly now, even when with me.

I am also resigned to parallel parenting (at best) but ex is a technophobe and be pointless getting him to use an app.

I'm really sorry to hear this. It's awful isn't it 😕 I really find it hard. I have relatives who co-parent really nicely and it's just so much better for the children to see their parents respecting each other and not acting weirdly the whole time. It breaks my heart that the DC will never get to experience this.