Finally feeling it...

[Umbellifer]

I divorced emotionally-abusive XH a couple of years ago, and am just about to sell the family home and move into a place of my own with the DC.

I have had to be so strong, not to be tempted to go back to him (how I can still have feelings for someone who behaved/continues to behave so badly, I just don't understand - I've talked about it in therapy and know in theory how it works, just making it work in my head/heart is another matter), and to put in place a new life for me and the DC.

It's a matter of weeks before we move, I'm exhausted with all the usual moving house stuff, but the emotion of having to do what I've done is much worse now than it has ever been...connected to leaving the house, that's clear, and dear god it hurts.

He's wanting to be friends, I can't even look at him, I don't want to talk to him/I want to scream at him does he know what he's done...and yet I'm torturing myself wondering if he's found someone else...or have I made a mistake and imagined it all (the classic abusive dilemma).

If anyone has any ideas for how I get me and the DC through the coming weeks without me completely falling apart then I would be grateful for them.

Hang on in there.

Moving home is massively stressful at the best of times, never mind when it's the final stage of a divorce like yours.

One of the big issues of ending an abusive marriage is that you have been brainwashed so badly that you doubt your own mind.

I would wager that he doesn't want to be "friends". He wants to establish a pathway into inserting himself into your new life. Abusive men are hell-bent on retaining control in any way they can.

Keep your eyes on the prize (new home/fresh start) and do whatever you need to do to get through this last stretch.

How many DC are involved and what age?

Thank you @Sicario for your understanding - it's been a rough few years and I naively thought this stage would feel more welcome than it does...maybe that comes once we have settled in. DC is KS2, so the older end of primary and will have to move school as part of the new start...not ideal but definitely for the best in the long term.

Is your counselling specifically for the abuse? Not sure I've worded that right, but I've had counselling over the years, it was nothing like the help I received from Women's Aid after my abusive marriage.

Whatever it is that WA do, it really opens your eyes to what's happened. It's really helpful in getting you over it and making sure you don't do it again, by learning boundaries and recognising behaviours. When you see the behaviour for what it is, you will be so disgusted with your ex that you will not be tempted to go back.

Also, well done for staying strong. Keep going, it will be worth it.

I would also suggest Women's Aid as a good resource for specialist support.

This isn't over yet for you. It's likely that once you are moved to your new place, you could experience an array of delayed-response feelings. The healing process is long and slow when you've come out of an abusive situation. Emotional abuse is insidious and leaves deep scars that need time to heal.

KS2 isn't a bad time to make changes and the new school will probably have resources if you feel your DC needs counselling and pastoral support.

Do remember to take care of yourself. Treat yourself well, get some pampering if you can on a regular basis - a manicure maybe, or a wash and blow dry - little things to treat yourself and remind yourself that you are worthy of being treated well and allowed to feel good about yourself.

Take time out to breathe in the positive and start to picture your new life with a bright, happy future. Know that this time next year things will be very different.

Make a decision to learn from this and to come out of it better and stronger, and able to assert firm boundaries and put yourself and your DC before all others.

You've got this.

Thank you both - I will definitely contact WA and see what specific counselling they are able to offer, I don't want to go back to him, and I don't imagine that I will...it's just...annoying that I miss what I thought we had! Delayed-response is definitely what's happening, I've been so busy "doing" that I've had little time for "feeling", and it's now catching up with me...I am so looking forward to feeling more healed and whole again, and for the DC to enjoy the new start we have been waiting for. Here's to 2025!

This happened to me when I moved house after leaving my abusive marriage. It really dredged up all of the grief and set me back emotionally for quite a few weeks. I think, like you say, I'd been in survival mode for so long, that once I moved house and had chance to stop and feel my emotions, they just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I would recommend writing a list of all the reasons why you left him and writing down all the abusive incidents you can remember. Something that really helped me to overcome some of the grief and to find my anger again was to write out some of the worst abusive incidents like I was writing chapters in a book.

Something about seeing it on paper, in third person, really hit home what an awful and unacceptable situation it was. It helped me feel stronger and focus on my disgust and distain for the person he actually is, rather than getting wistful and missing the good times and the idea of who I thought he was/wanted him to be.

I second speaking to Women's Aid, they are such a fantastic source of support. There's a lot of great accounts on Instagram to help you through it too. I'd recommend Grace Stuart and The Personal Growth Project. The second one is the author of a really great book (link below) and she also offers 1-1 counselling sessions.

Recovering from an abusive marriage is such a long and difficult process. You've been so strong to get to this point and you're strong enough to move through it.

www.amazon.co.uk/Was-Even-Abuse-Restoring-clarity/dp/1739102606?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=be15c470-8ec7-4535-b468-a99ce80bab85

Sorry to hear OP that you are finding it tough . I think you have done amazing well for you and your family and I hope that the new move is a fresh start for you all.

Be kind to yourself . You are going though and have gone through a tough time . I hope that you are able to get support from WA etc .

Any change is difficult and it is normal to want to cling onto the current situation . That is even when that wasn't a great situation .

Break everything down to manageable chunks and don't put any unnecessary pressure on yourself . What is essential / urgent - everything else can wait . If you have family & friends to lean onto for support, do so .

You are doing the very best for you and your family . This is not on you for the situation , that's all on your ex and his behaviour.

Thank you @Cryingatthegym I'm sorry you have been through it too, but it really helps to know it's normal, some days I feel strong and others I feel anything but. And @imfae thank you for your encouragement, DC is struggling with the move and the idea of new school (unfortunately both have to happen together) so it's really helpful to be reminded that I'm trying to do the best for us, as it doesn't always feel like it!

The fact that you're keeping going even when you don't feel strong proves just how strong you actually are

You didn't imagine it and you haven't made a mistake. It was as bad as you think it was. He just wants you to believe otherwise.

How old is your DC? My DD really struggled with moving house at first too, but has since said that she thinks having a smaller/sometimes messier house is better than having a house with my exH living in it. Even if they don't get it now, they will one day.

He's 10 @Cryingatthegym , and our current house is all he's known, so he's fretting a bit, even though he's excited about the new place at the same time. It's so hard when you can't explain why you're having to move, but as you say, he'll understand one day...and once we've both got used to the new place I think it'll work well for us, there will be much more for him to do as he grows up and gets more independent, which of course he can't imagine now!

I moved out of the family home just under 3 years ago. So originally exH moved out for 2 years, then he met a new GF and became even more of a prick and "starved us out". The kids live with me 70% of the time. I was dreading it, as were the kids tbh. Their home was all they had known, we were moving to a much smaller house in a skanky area and they didnt understand why dad was getting our home. I nearly got signed off work in the build up as I made myself ill with worry.
The day we moved out, exH moved in with his GF and told the kids she was pregnant. I fell apart...
But... here's the good bit, the kids are so happy here! Honestly, the relief starting afresh, in my own place without the constant reminders of life before.. a huge weight lifted! They got excited decorating their new rooms. Just the other day my youngest admitted she prefers where her dad lives but prefers our house as it feels like home. The sentiment couldn't be stronger - home is what you make it.
So, keep going, stay strong, you're doing brilliantly and I promise you, it will be better than you think xxx

Mine is 10 too, it's definitely an anxious age which doesn't help. But they also have a good understanding of the world at 10, so hopefully once the actual upheaval is over and he feels a bit more settled he'll realise it's for the best

thanks @Stressymadre - I would def fall apart if XH found someone else right now, abuse is horrible but somehow you still have feelings...that you don't want!

I really hope my DS feels the same about our new house...the conveyancing is dragging atm and we both just need it to happen...but I am keeping my fingers crossed that he'll love it too, and like @Cryingatthegym says, he'll realise it's been the right thing to do!