I want to call it time

[Losthope86]

Hi, I'm posting here because I am at my wits end.
I've been with my husband (36) since 2012, married since 2016 and we have 3 children, 7, 4 and 1 years old.

He's always been horrendous at communicating and emotionally he's pretty non existent. The thing is I can't cope not only with his commutation problems but also how selfish he is.
Whenever we argue he'll go completely silent, he'll walk away, basically anything to avoid it but then he'll be happy to send me messages on the phone and it's so immature and he controls it by hiding behind his phone. The conflict also never gets resolved as he'll eventually ignore the messages and days later just be trying to crack on like normal and all I can feel is the anger and upset, whilst he ignores the problem.

We lost a baby at 20 weeks in 2022 and he wasn't there for me. He just carried on like nothing had happened and he was vile towards me, even at one point when we had all gone out for the day, telling me I was spoiling it for everyone, this was 10 days after. He had therapy and even then he ignored what the therapist told him to do, about opening up and listening to me. It never happened and so I'm convinced he lied to this therapist. We have our babies ashes and I wanted a piece of jewellery with the ashes in, £190 it costs. He said he'd get it for me as a birthday present in June and then said he was too skint, so I said it's ok to delay it. He completely forgot about. Come August he orders himself a mountain bike because he wanted it before the mortgage increase and there I am, still no necklace. Then out of guilt (despite him denying it was guilt), he says to get it on the credit card but I refuse because it just hurt too much thinking about it. Then, here we are now and he's gone and got laser eye surgery thanks to the bank of mummy and daddy and I still have nothing. I also wear glasses and have done my whole life and there he is strutting around free of glasses and for me it was the last straw. Mummy and daddy also gave him 30k to buy his van, yes he pays it back, with interest (!!!!) and I still am left to be last. He's done many other things and I have tried so badly to tell him how I feel, how it's affecting me, how his actions are selfish etc. I might as well speak to my big toe as it would have the same affect. It's now at a point I can't even bring myself to look at him. I've not looked at him for 2 days solid because the minute I think of doing it, I could just cry in pain.

I have no support network as I moved to his area and the in-laws are vile a d he has no other relatives. I only work 2 nights a week because we have zero childcare so I have nothing financially, so I'm trapped.

Sorry its a long post, please be gentle

Hi Losthope! I want to tell you all is not lost. There's a lot of emotions right now and I think it's very important to feel them. But for a second let's focus on the details and the logistics.

Things that need addressing are:
Work
Residence
Support
Divorce

So for work, you mention you work 2 nights a week, so you have employment which is good! In the event of a full separation could you work full time? a bit more part time?

For residence, what's your situation? Are you renting, mortgaged? If the latter, whose name is on the deeds/mortgage, is it both? If so, great! We will have some equity to work with. Next steps are looking at whether you stay close and rent/buy or if you move closer to your family. Where is that? How far is it from the kids dad?

Bringing me to support - would you have support if you moved closer to your parents/siblings/friends? An important consideration here is custody - do you, or or do you think he will, want to share custody 50/50? This will have implications for location and child maintenance payments etc.

I understand the d word is a big word and has massive ramifications - but I think it's important to know your options and how you might proceed. Do you still love him? Remember there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone - no longer being in love with someone is the first step towards no longer loving them entirely. But it can be brought back from that! I think you need to take a hard look at what your future will look like with him in and without him in it. Have you tried talking to him about it and explaining it in the way you've described here? It's horrible but maybe he needs a wake up call?

Great advice from @AnonymousFish10 it’s exactly what I was going to write.

It is worth just for now thinking practically, “get your ducks in a row” things really. Once you know where you stand and what the options are on things like the job, finances, home front etc you are then able to come up with plans and you can think about what it is you want to do and the easiest way to get there.

It’s not going to be easy, but nothing ever is, it’s also not easy to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy, you just have to choose your hard.

Good luck OP.

I also just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss, my partner and I experienced a miscarriage via an IVF pregnancy and it broke our hearts. We were in counselling together and individually. There's no string of words that can describe the pain. It does seem like he doesn't care about your feelings or your experience in life.

What does your home life look like? Does he do his parenting share? And does he take on the mental load? Do you get time to yourself? 3 kids with 3 years between them feels like a lot of restarting from scratch - you need you.

Thanks for replying, I'm new on here so hoping I do this correctly.

I work 2 nights a week at his place of work but not the same hours as he is there during the day. I do it as the start times flexible but it's only cleaning so no room for more hours. If I tried to go full time, I'd have to find a nursery and the costs will outweigh what I can earn. Plus the biggest trouble with holidays/sickness. My 7 year old is off today with a fever and dizziness, so I'm able to care for her. My hands are so tied :(

We own a house, shared ownership. I don't think I can afford to rent or buy because of the work situation. Potentially could rent with the sale of the house but he wouldn't agree to it. My parents live 90 minutes away in Sussex, we are in Essex. It would mean my children would have to change schools and start over. I've told him before multiple times I want to leave and he challenges me on all this knowing I can't do it. I suggested about him having them weekends when he's not working (enabling me to do more work) and he's said outright no, not happening. Renting in this area for 2/3 bed is well over 2k a month. Even 20 minutes out or so it's still £1800 a month as I've looked.
I've got school run mum friends but not anyone I'd say I'm close with. All my friends live back in South east London where I'm born n bred.

I've told him everything and all he'll do is just ignore me, ignore all this and carry on like normal after a few days. I resent him so much. I can't believe I can't bare to look at him, even thinking about it is upsetting me. I'm covered in psoriasis as I get bad flare ups when stressed, he knows this. He says he loves me unconditionally and I said those words are empty when his actions don't match his words

Sorry for your loss, losing from IVF is devastating, especially what you go through to conceive as well xx
My social life is pretty non existent as the mum friends do the odd bit in the day now and then but that's it. If I see my friends from across the pond as I say, I always have the children because they play with my friends children.
He helps with bedtime. I cook as he can't. I always feed the 1 year old, he only does when he's in the dog house trying to make up or when he's got an audience like other family.
He goes in the garage every evening to play guitar, meets a friend every few weeks and goes out for the evening. I'm usually alone indoors most evenings for 90 minutes but even then I'll have to sort the baby or my 7 year old if she can't sleep, so never really alone for long. It's a very lonely life. There he is 30k vans, perfect vision, new mountain bike etc. I don't get any beauty things done, no nails (work would ruin them anyway), eyebrows, lashes etc. I only done the hairdresser and I gave that up when we were saving to buy the house and even then, he doesn't understand why I'd pay £80 every 8 weeks to do it. A lady cuts it at my house for a tenner and I box dye it

Re. work/childcare/housing, it will be difficult but not impossible.

If you do leave then you will be entitled to UC, UC could also pay some or all of your rent, and can pay some of your childcare costs (up to 85%) so you wouldn’t have to fund all of those things on 1 wage. Assuming the older 2 children are in school, your 1 year old will be entitled to 15 hours free now and from September 2025 will be entitled to 30 hours free so that will bring the bill down again, plus tax free childcare which reduces it by another 20%. So that is potentially doable and with kids in school/childcare that opens up the hours you are available to work.

Once you leave your partner can choose not to have the kids if he wants to do that, but that means he’ll be paying you more in child maintenance so again that is more money in your pocket each month.

Selling the house and renting isn’t your partners decision to make, it’s also yours. You can choose to leave, if he won’t sell then you can go via court to force the sale. He can buy you out if he wants to keep the property or you can sell and split any equity, but he cannot unilaterally decide you have to keep the house and stay there. You could also apply to your council.

It won’t be easy but truly OP there is a way out of this, you just need to make a plan.

I looked into the 30 hours childcare and I didn't think I was allowed because I don't earn enough/work enough? Maybe I need to look into that again.

I'll have to look into UC, I hate to claim to be honest so I'd only want to do it temporarily if I had to because I much prefer to work and contribute. If it's the gift of freedom it's worth it. You've definitely given me some things to think about, it's hard to think when you're hurting and not being taken seriously or listened to x

Does he own that place of business? If so, start looking elsewhere.

Re. the house - shared ownership is fine but is YOUR name on the mortgage? Is it on the deeds? This is important. Like Mrsttcno1 said - it's not up to him to not sell the house. If you are a joint owner then the divorce proceedings will take care of that.

And 90 minutes away is fine - he can travel to collect the kids on his days. No worries, 90 minutes isn't that far to spend time with your kids - I'd drive to Scotland (based in southeast England) and back for my two daughters.

As for 'he can't cook' - bollocks. He chooses not to. And seeing your friends with children isn't seeing your friends. You deserve you time for just you and it being just you. You're always on it seems. You need to find another job that isn't connected to him. Take on more shifts in the evenings elsewhere. HE'LL HAVE TO HAVE THE KIDS. Don't give him a choice.

Mrsttcno1 is also spot on about the support available - remember if you're working more then you will be eligible for the free childcare hours. And also, claim whatever UC you can. It's important to remember that people pay their taxes and everything else, including you, to create this system for support when needed. If you need it, claim it. Don't feel a certain way about it. You will pay more in taxes than you will ever claim in UC.

Based on what you're saying I'd take steps to actively prepare to leave.

So for the 30 hours free you need to earn £183 a week which from April will work out at around 15 hours a week if paid NMW. So even if you could work 3 days a week for 5 hours a day you would be eligible.

As I say though if you do leave you can claim UC and they will pay up to 85% of childcare costs to enable you to work.

I do understand your feelings regarding UC and I think lots of people feel that way but in total honesty when you have 3 young children, need somewhere to live so need to pay rent etc, without UC that will be incredibly difficult. It is there as a safety blanket and it could be the support you need to get yourself out and set up elsewhere.

Good luck, it will all be worth it x

Sorry to hear about this situation. This sounds like emotional and financial abuse.

I would try Women's Aid as they may have funds to help you leave. At the very least they will be able to give you the best benefits advice to follow in order to be independent.

Take action today.

Good luck OP.

Thanks for your reply.

He doesn't own the business...yet. He'll be taking over the business in 5 years time so there will be a transition period eventually as he takes over more but the account has said it won't be happening until the final 3 years before full take over.

With regards to the mortgage, house, deeds etc I'm am absolutely on everything, I 100% know and I have access to all the paperwork etc.

I'd feel awful uprooting the children, that's where I struggle. My mum and stepdad still work full time currently so I can't get help from them in that sense but I'd definitely have help of an evening or weekend from them without question.

I always put everyone else first, I feel guilty putting myself first or so can't relax but I've created my own problem as I have no life. I'm spending all my time now planning for Christmas, I buy and wrap everything including his family, I will be cooking for his lot Christmas day as he invited them around and his mum is the absolute worst, passive aggressive, manipulative woman you'll ever meet.

I definitely need to get my head in gear and make preparations to go that are realistic so he can't challenge me on it.
He just come back from a check up at the laser eye clinic trying to talk to me like normal and I've not looked him in the eye once and I just said, why are you making small talk? He's gone in the garage now

Okay so if that's his plan he definitely has a certain influence over it now then. I'd deffo look for a new job. I understand finding the time for it will be difficult but you have to do it. Any job will be better than this one. Trust me, if you plan to leave you want to be in a new job before you tell him.

Good news about the house ownership details. Next step is working out your equity - what's the house currently worth minus the remaining mortgage. For simple arguments sake just divide by 2 for now to give you your share. As you're legally married and he's clearly the higher earner you may (I'm not confirming this) end up with a lot more in the name of 'fairness'. I hear you about uprooting your children but the time to do it is now. Your 7 year old is year 2 or 3? Well young enough to make new friends ahead of secondary school. But in terms of moving closer to mum and step-dad, start thinking about it but worry about that a little later. Right now, you need to know your financial stability post-separation.

Sounds like some of the men I know. The key thing is to stop doing it. Honestly, take your life back. "Oh, your family's coming over for Christmas? Lovely! Can't wait to see them, what you cooking/ordering?" Let him command you too cook and then pick that bone with him then. It's a hard lesson to learn, lost hope, but people will take what they can from for as long as you let them. Why would they make their lives harder if someone is willing to make it easier for them? All they have to put up with is a few arguments...

Don't buy presents for his family. Ask him what he's buying them. Last I checked online shopping is still a thing in 2024; he can order the presents while he sits in the garage. Fine for you to offer to wrap them.

You have a whole long life ahead of you. It's time you take those years back and live for yourself. You have 4 priorities in life right now, and they are aged 36, 7, 4, and 1.

Full disclosure I'm a father of 2 (20 months and 5 months) who does 50% at the bare minimum. It's not because I'm forced to. But because it's my bonding time with my kids. I do every single night shift with the 5 month old. It's hard but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. And when I move out, as I'm sadly also going through a separation, I will continue to be 100% present in their lives. I'm putting me first, alongside my children.

I was in a similar situation, I have 1 dc.

Most men.. they are so selfish.

You have your children. Leave and find your freedom.

He is still selfish to this day.

Thank you for everything so far, it's given me a boost. I work alone so I'll have all the thinking time I need tonight whilst cleaning. Hopefully tomorrow my daughter is well enough for school so I can look up a few things tomorrow with my options. I'm seeing my parents this weekend luckily so I can talk to them then about it all

My daughter is in year 2 and my son in reception, so makes sense to do something now before she moves to juniors and he's gets too settled

How are you doing OP? I’m about to file for divorce - my DH gets verbally abusive and I’ve had enough.

How are you doing? It's a big step isn't it.

I took some time away with the kids when they had a half term and went to my mums and left him to it. I wanted to give him a taste of life without us because that was going to be the new reality.

It's resulted in that he's now started paying privately for therapy and we are all back home for now. I've still got my plan in place though because I don't want to be complacent. He's been loads better after 3 sessions but again until I see it's nor just temporary and old habits surface, I'm staying at arms length. He literally just needs one slip up and we are gone in the morning, no messing, no chatting, just done