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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Not sure what to think or how to handle this?

22 replies

Oodiks · 02/12/2024 17:38

My marriage ended horribly, I ended up taking my daughter away for an extended period and asking him not to be there when I got back. It was a whole mess, but I didn't know what else to do as our relationship/his anger was destroying our child. She was 15 years old, withdrawn, anorexic or bordering on it, and self-harming.

He continued to be extremely hostile all through the divorce proceedings, which he instigated, and up until very recently. I knew he was in contact with my family members, but he insisted that they not talk to me about him, and he blocked me on FB, which was irritating as I'd see where he was commenting, but not what.

Three years later, my daughter is thriving, she's working and she's at studying part time, she's happy and has friends. She hasn't self-harmed since a couple of months after he left and enjoys food again.

Now he's suddenly opening up to me about a bad work accident he had in the spring and the long-term consequences of it. He's also being reasonable in negotiations over selling the family home and is sending our daughter money for Christmas. He's even unblocked me on FB.

I've told my daughter all this. Explaining that he can't drive, can't even walk far, he is on paid disability leave from work and may not be able to work again. She says she'd rather he didn't exist, and I get it, but at the same time she has half siblings that I know she'd like to know better, and that I care about too.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I just don't know how to think about all this.

Any supportive input welcome.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 02/12/2024 17:43

She's feeling like he's abandoning her twice. He left the family home acrimoniously and now you're telling her he's physically incapable of supporting her. It's natural she'll feel anger.
I still feel a bit of anger over the fact my dear dad died when I was 13, even though he was a great father and husband.
Don't force her to give him sympathy, she'll come round to realising you can't remain angry about someone having ill health. But she's disappointed. Give her plenty of love and reassure her you're always there, no matter what.

Original poster
Oodiks · 02/12/2024 17:52

BobbyBiscuits · 02/12/2024 17:43

She's feeling like he's abandoning her twice. He left the family home acrimoniously and now you're telling her he's physically incapable of supporting her. It's natural she'll feel anger.
I still feel a bit of anger over the fact my dear dad died when I was 13, even though he was a great father and husband.
Don't force her to give him sympathy, she'll come round to realising you can't remain angry about someone having ill health. But she's disappointed. Give her plenty of love and reassure her you're always there, no matter what.

Edited

Thanks, I hadn't seen it that way. He's been so absent; it didn't occur to me that his illness could feel like further abandonment.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 02/12/2024 17:56

@Oodiks I honestly think it is that. It gives her less security when she hears it. Explain how no matter what happens to dad, you are on her side and will support her fully.
I wish you and your family well x

Original poster
Oodiks · 02/12/2024 17:59

BobbyBiscuits · 02/12/2024 17:56

@Oodiks I honestly think it is that. It gives her less security when she hears it. Explain how no matter what happens to dad, you are on her side and will support her fully.
I wish you and your family well x

Thanks, she is fully aware that I'm there for her no matter what!

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 02/12/2024 18:01

So he's been largely absent, and abusive, for years and now he's sick and suddenly he wants to be in touch?

Sorry, I'm with your dd. So what if he's had a terrible accident? He was terrible to her and she is not obligate to have any kind of relationship with him. Please do not try to encourage or force this.

WickedlyCharmed · 02/12/2024 18:04

She’s 18 and can manage any contact with her father (if she wants it) herself.

Stop acting like a flying monkey on his behalf. You may not intend to, but that’s what you’re doing - laying the groundwork for him to try and hoover her back in. Stop it.

BobbyBiscuits · 02/12/2024 18:08

@Oodiks I'm sure. You sound like a great mum x

BilboBlaggin · 02/12/2024 18:14

If your DD was self harming and virtually anorexic as a result of him and his behaviour then it affected her extremely badly. You need to allow her those feelings and not expect her to change just because he now has disabilities and is being Mr Niceguy. Your DD is not going to suddenly forget what's gone before.

Why is he suddenly being reasonable? Does he need someone to be his carer? Cynical I know, but not unheard of.

Original poster
Oodiks · 02/12/2024 18:27

Triffid1 · 02/12/2024 18:01

So he's been largely absent, and abusive, for years and now he's sick and suddenly he wants to be in touch?

Sorry, I'm with your dd. So what if he's had a terrible accident? He was terrible to her and she is not obligate to have any kind of relationship with him. Please do not try to encourage or force this.

I have no intention of forcing it, I'm just giving her the information.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 02/12/2024 18:33

BilboBlaggin · 02/12/2024 18:14

If your DD was self harming and virtually anorexic as a result of him and his behaviour then it affected her extremely badly. You need to allow her those feelings and not expect her to change just because he now has disabilities and is being Mr Niceguy. Your DD is not going to suddenly forget what's gone before.

Why is he suddenly being reasonable? Does he need someone to be his carer? Cynical I know, but not unheard of.

I am puzzled he's suddenly opened up. The accident was in March, and he was still pretty hostile only a few weeks ago. My feeling is that he's feeling pretty isolated and has had time, and therapy, to reflect.
\

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 02/12/2024 18:35

WickedlyCharmed · 02/12/2024 18:04

She’s 18 and can manage any contact with her father (if she wants it) herself.

Stop acting like a flying monkey on his behalf. You may not intend to, but that’s what you’re doing - laying the groundwork for him to try and hoover her back in. Stop it.

I don't think merely passing on medical information is 'acting like a flying monkey' for him. I told her what was up with him and listened to what she had to say about it and that's that.

He's got no hope of 'hoovering her back in', he's still an asshole, it's just that now he's a disabled asshole.

OP posts:
WickedlyCharmed · 02/12/2024 19:03

Oodiks · 02/12/2024 18:35

I don't think merely passing on medical information is 'acting like a flying monkey' for him. I told her what was up with him and listened to what she had to say about it and that's that.

He's got no hope of 'hoovering her back in', he's still an asshole, it's just that now he's a disabled asshole.

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Ok, well now that she has clearly told you she’d rather he didn’t exist you can stop relaying his medical information to her, and let her act exactly as she wishes - like he doesn’t exist.

Pashazade · 02/12/2024 19:04

Remain polite, get the house sold, then block utterly. He's after something, leopards very rarely change their spots.

Arlanymor · 02/12/2024 19:11

Your marriage ended and your daughter is now an adult. There is no reason why either of you should entertain a relationship with him if you don't want to.

I have no idea why he has got back in touch now, but only you and your daughter can decide if either of you want him in either of your lives in any capacity.

I think if either of you do decide to give him the time of day then make share you prepare and protect yourselves first.

WhamBamThankU · 02/12/2024 19:18

As an older teen and now adult I also chose not to have a relationship with my crap dad. He's had many medical emergencies in the last few years and is now disabled/has early dementia etc and I still don't want anything to do with him. At 18 she may have come to terms with not having a dad and is happy to continue life without him complicating things. It doesn't make her a bad person so I wouldn't badger her incase she perceives it that way.

Original poster
Oodiks · 02/12/2024 19:21

I'd rather be civil with him. More so because I do want to maintain a relationship with his 2 older kids, my daughter's half siblings.

My stepdaughter visited us this summer and it was great, but she's very loyal and didn't mention any of his health problems, which I think must've been hard for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 02/12/2024 19:23

WickedlyCharmed · 02/12/2024 19:03

Ok, well now that she has clearly told you she’d rather he didn’t exist you can stop relaying his medical information to her, and let her act exactly as she wishes - like he doesn’t exist.

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I want to be open and honest with her, so felt it important to let her know he's been in touch and why. I'd hate for her to find out I'd been in contact with him and kept it a secret from her.

OP posts:
Husband3t · 02/12/2024 23:14

Oodiks · 02/12/2024 19:23

I want to be open and honest with her, so felt it important to let her know he's been in touch and why. I'd hate for her to find out I'd been in contact with him and kept it a secret from her.

Show quote history

Pm.me please I am In the same position as you

Original poster
Oodiks · 17/12/2024 00:14

Husband3t · 02/12/2024 23:14

Pm.me please I am In the same position as you

Show quote history

Just saw this, can't figure out how to DM on here, please DM me if you want to talk?

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/12/2024 13:36

He's looking for a carer. Don't fall for his sob story. You reap what you sow.

Mangocity · 17/12/2024 13:41

I don't know what you're wanting from your daughter. It doesn't matter that he's being reasonable now. It doesn't undo the past or make him a safe person. It feels like you're pressuring her to think about him and perhaps see him. If he really has impacted her in the past as you've described, that would be tantamount to abuse and seeing other family members is irrelevant. Maybe express your thoughts to an adult and let your DD enjoy some peace.

Original poster
Oodiks · 17/12/2024 23:14

Mangocity · 17/12/2024 13:41

I don't know what you're wanting from your daughter. It doesn't matter that he's being reasonable now. It doesn't undo the past or make him a safe person. It feels like you're pressuring her to think about him and perhaps see him. If he really has impacted her in the past as you've described, that would be tantamount to abuse and seeing other family members is irrelevant. Maybe express your thoughts to an adult and let your DD enjoy some peace.

I'm not wanting anything from my daughter, except openness, and I can't expect that if I lie to her. He's been in touch, we've texted, I've told her, that's all.

I'm not pressuring her to do anything. Generally, if she asks about him, we talk about him, otherwise we don't. She had a lot going on when he got in touch, so I waited until her life calmed down and then told him we'd been in communication and what he'd said. If I'd kept it to myself I'd've felt bad about keeping it from her.

NB I did say "I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I just don't know how to think about all this ... Any supportive input welcome."

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