Still broken 9 months on

[Shatteredheartsandbrokendreams]

That's it really, my marriage ended in the most spectacular fashion 9 months ago.
I know there is no going back and I know I deserve more but I just can't seem to move on.
Stbxh is already in a new relationship with a baby on the way while I am still picking up the pieces in every sense.
I don't know what I'm looking for with this post I suppose I just needed reassurance that things have to get better.
I've had therapy, I have support and friends but I feel so low about everything. Like I just function but don't really exist.
I can't makes sense of anything and I feel like the last 12 years of my life have been a lie.

I have PM you

Divorce is hard for everyone, but having it end how yours did, in an especially painful, compounds it. It's okay to be sad, and to grieve, and it will take a while, but know that it will get better. Don't allow yourself to creep them on social media, when you come across stuff (e.g. photos, mementos) that cause you pain, toss (or delete). Please be kind to yourself, speak positively to yourself, and practice self-care.

Ages ago someone told me to give yourself a month for every year of the relationship as a guide to recovery time. Note - guide not absolute. So if your relationship was 12 years long - you're looking at a min of 12 months for the recovery to start.

What's happened to you is shitty - no one is going to disagree with that, and it will take time to mend. Your ex was probably checking out of your marriage long before the day he left you so he has a head start on moving on. So there's no point comparing your situation to his. He checked out and moved on voluntarily - I'm assuming the situation was forced upon you.

Things will get better

Just PM you back

I have just PM you back

I just wanted to add reassurance that from my experience (which was a horrible break up after a long relationship that left me devastated) 9 months is nothing at all. I think it took me at least a year to feel a bit better, about 3 years to be interested in dating again, and even then I was still really hurt and traumatised by it all. By that stage I was getting on with my life and was generally happy, but the pain in the background was still there and I assumed that was something I'd always feel. But actually, very slowly that pain did continue to diminish and I realised one day many years later that not only had it decreased, it had totally gone. I could never have believed that I would ever get to that stage. So please be kind to yourself as while there will be bumps in the road, you will very gradually feel better. How you feel now will not be how you feel forever. x

Yep, been there and still getting over it 18 months on. It's especially difficult when they start seeing someone else and you're still at the shocked and traumatised stage. What has helped me is counselling, and getting out and trying new interests or hobbies, even when I really didn't feel like it. Just meeting other new people widens your horizons and lets you see there is a world and life out there without your ex. But it's not easy. Some days I feel fine, others I still feel utterly devastated. But I definitely have more ok days than not now, and some days don't even think about my ex. I think it is just a question of time. Hugs. X

Oh honey 9 months is really so very little time in the grand scheme of things. Of course you're still reeling. Be kind to yourself.

Divorce is like a bereavement, it's a big loss and change. Moving on takes years and isn't linear - you go up and down but gradually moving upwards overall. As others have said, he was probably 'getting over it' while you were still together as he'd already made the decision to go.

I used to be annoyed that my exh didn't seem more upset (the arsehole told me divorce was just 'doing the admin'😱) but then I realised he was weird, that's one of the reasons we weren't still together.

Sending best wishes. It will improve.

Hi, so sorry you find yourself in this awful limbo. I’m only 5 months in and my head is mashed.
People tell me that time will help etc but he had moved on before he told me he had met someone else. It’s the lies and betrayals that keep me awake at night.

All I can say is that it’s not about YOU. I beat myself up wondering what it was about me that made him walk away… it’s about them.

My ex had moved on mentally and physically and I am months behind him still trying to make sense of it all.

Just wanted to say you’re not alone.
I miss my old life so much.

I am so sorry OP as others have said , 9 months is still a time when things are raw still .
You need to go through the different stages of grief and that can take a few years . Things will get better and you will not find everything so painful .
I think how things ended is also relevant here. It doesn't seem that you had a grown up conversation about how things weren't working out for him and what could you both do to work on the relationship .
It seems instead you were left reeling from how things ended and that was sudden / shocking to you .

You cannot understand it because you would not have treated him the same way and you did not get time to prepare for the relationship breaking down . He would have checked out long before this and would be prioritising his own needs .

He could also treat you this way as cognitive dissonance would have been involved . That is he was able to deal with this in his own mind , by shifting the breakdown of the relationship as your fault .
But this is not on you ,you did not cause it and you were not the one who treated him badly .

It is always hard when we find out how they are able to move on with new partners and their lives seem to be on the up , whilst we may still be struggling . If you are able to access counselling please do so .

I think we have to stop trying to be surprised and hurt by their actions and continuing cruel behaviour . Sadly they are not thinking of our thoughts and feelings but only their own .

Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up for still feeling raw by this . You are dealing with this the best you can and you are not the one who has caused the other pain .

I found it very hard when I discovered my ex had a new OW and I am trying my best not to give him any emotional headspace . I am not always successful in this but I do not want to waste more emotional energy on it .
Take care and I hope that you have support in real life . If you can , speak to them about it . They may think that you are coping fine with the break up . Christmas is always a difficult time , especially the first one .

Men! They cannot be on their own for a hot minute. Useless creatures. Honestly, live your best life, do you.

@pitterypattery00

Thank you for your post, it's immensely reassuring to hear that!

OP, it's a long haul and 9 months is no time at all, especially if ow is pregnant so quickly.

It’s different for everyone. I was over exh literally immediately. However took me 7 years to get over exp. Take it day by day, you will get there

Hi Op. I'm fresh out of a marriage having discovered my H affair recently. He was my 2nd H and my first H did exactly the same.

I know from the experience that I will get through this and that it i will be up and down for a long time.

Be very gentle with yourself. Do not 'should' yourself and do allow yourself to feel however you feel. There isn't a rule book on this.