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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

I don't know what to do...

5 replies

Rachew02 · 30/11/2024 20:54

Im at a cross roads, I struggle to communicate well, I'm not very empathetic, and my husbands love language is empathy or mind reading. He has asked me so many times to change (be more empathetic, acknowledge his feelings, have difficult conversations) but I'm struggling and now he feels like a teacher and sees the same mistakes over and over again from me.

i feel like I try a be nicer, more empathetic, understanding, until life gets busy and I forget. But we have 3 Children (9,7,4) 1 with type 1 diabetes, I'm a type 1 diabetic, and I have a stressful job with long hours, so often I forget to try and he becomes the bottom of my priority list. I do the majority of the childcare as he works early, and households cooking and cleaning, and sorting of financial stuff. I am resentful of taking out financial loans for him, and that he doesnt have energy after his physically strenuous job whilst I work from home but just keep going with everything. I have no libido which is his latest bugbare and I'm contemplating separation. Our arguments are about that fact that I've done something wrong again, and I panic, getting defensive and tieing myself in knots verbally, he feels like he is training me for someone else as I don't put anything into practice for him. I'm at a loss, but I'm so worried about our children.

OP posts:
zeddybrek · 30/11/2024 22:20

Hi OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you have a very busy life and not much time for you or your relationship.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than can you both try couples counselling.

Can you get a babysitter to make some time for each other. Maybe do a housework rota to either split the chores more equally or make it more visually apparent how much you're doing.

My DH wants a divorce. A very long story and only told me last week. Some similarities to your situation, no libido and just years of work and kids and taking him for granted. It's tough. My head is spinning.

THisbackwithavengeance · 01/12/2024 09:44

So he wants you to change?

Tell him people don't change, this is how it is and he can stop his constant critiquing, complaining and character assassinations and find somewhere else to live if he doesn't like it.

He sounds like a bully. And bullies need to be stood up to, it's the only way to shut them down.

RandomMess · 01/12/2024 09:46

He needs to change!

He needs to pull his weight around the house and with the DC as you are very tired too! He isn't meeting your needs or using your love language either.

Midlifemaddness · 01/12/2024 09:51

I could have wrote this exact post ! We recently had an argument (well him basically telling me off) for not keeping up with his standards. I told him that this is who I am we’ve been together a long time and I can’t change ? That and I’ve never once asked him to change I’ve accepted all his flaws as I love him ?
not really advice but solidarity, you’re not on your own and if you have tried then why hasn’t he ? It goes both ways .

longtompot · 01/12/2024 11:11

i feel like I try a be nicer, more empathetic, understanding, until life gets busy and I forget. But we have 3 Children (9,7,4) 1 with type 1 diabetes, I'm a type 1 diabetic, and I have a stressful job with long hours, so often I forget to try and he becomes the bottom of my priority list. I do the majority of the childcare as he works early, and households cooking and cleaning, and sorting of financial stuff. I am resentful of taking out financial loans for him, and that he doesnt have energy after his physically strenuous job whilst I work from home but just keep going with everything

So you work long hours at a stressful job and do the majority of the childcare, cooking cleaning and you deal with his finances too because he is far too tired? And you are the one who needs to change?
You do not go into a relationship with the aim to change how someone is. People will naturally change in a relationship as it develops.
What does he bring to the relationship? What does he feel you have done wrong yet again, and just what is he expecting you to put into practise?
He doesn't sound a very supportive partner and sounds only interested in his life being what he wants & bugger everyone elses.

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