Help please! Financial / work pressure

[ThisLemonDog]

Please could anyone help, I’m separating with my husband and I’m scared what’ll happen financially, and intimidated by him.

we’re married for 10 years and have 2 children both in primary school.

We have agreed to proceed separation best for our children, but he earns much more than myself as I stepped back from my career when my first child was born (we agreed kids will benefit from me looking after them, so I now only work 3 short days in a week). He said he’s willing to let me and kids to continue living in the jointly owned house, as I’ve been looking after kids most of time, which means he’ll need a new accommodation. around here 2 bedroom rent is over £1,000, which will be tight.

Recently he asked me if I was going back full time work so I said I haven’t decided until every finance things are on table, as I’m already feeling overwhelmed by the amount of choirs and tired, those 2 days (12 hours of kids in school) gives me change to catch up with things. I need to watch out my mental health too as I had depression in my first pregnancy (mostly caused by arguing with him and being unsupported). Anyway, when he heard I’m not going back to work full time straight away, he went mad. He doesn’t seem to value the house works, childcare, and everything comes with it and seems to be feeling he’s the victim. if I worked full time, ill have to pay for afterschool club which cost £20x2 per day, even if he can school run twice a week, financially it only makes £200 difference per month, I’d rather pay £200 even if I had to borrow money, but be able to do homework with them, and feed home cooked meals.

He also said after separation he’d like to look after children 50 50, and if we did that he doesn’t have to give me any money. he seems starting to turn more nasty. Im not looking for luxury, just the best for the kids, and don’t want to be pushed to work full time because of bitterness.

I have spoken to some solicitors for 30 min free advice, one of them told me the start line is finance 50 50 and childcare will be based what’s best for kids, not us. I felt slightly better but realised how expensive mediators or solicitors are (we aren’t eligible for legal aid) and maybe we need to try sort out ourselves first. I’m worried he’ll just push me to work full time so he doesn’t have to pay me / children as much.

Could anyone give me any advice if I have any right, or if anyone has any similar experience? He argues all day in his work so he’s good at it, and financially I’m in much weaker position, I’m feeling distressed and intimidated. Thanks in advance.

You should work full time. It isn't nasty or bitter but a completely reasonable expectation of an adult with primary aged children.

I'm sorry I know this is so hard but I agree with @MeowCatPleaseMeowBack. I think it's not fair that you expect not to work full time - and in the long run it won't do you any good as you'll be prolonging the inevitable.

I'm sure a bit of your hesitation is probably fear of upsetting the status quo and your comfort zone, but you can and should return to work full time. You'll feel a lot better knowing you'll be more financially independent too.

If I thought there was going to be nastiness or bullying down the line then in my own selfishness I wouldn’t go back at the moment.

I would expect to be back full time but once I have settled the finances/house/kids etc on my part time money. Partly because that was a joint choice when together and partly so I have the cushion of extra money from full time when I did go back if he started withholding maintainence etc

Do you have a long commute OP? Are the kids old enough to walk themselves to school or do you need to use breakfast club?

I think you are right to keep things vague with DH; he no longer has a right to boss you around

However going back to work full time should be do-able, especially if you have the kids one week on, one week off as in the week they aren’t there you can get on top of chores etc. And you’ll still have time to do homework and reading and cook meals from scratch - I do!

Doubt your ex dh has really through what 50/50 means.

50/50 doesn't automatically mean no maintenance is payable, it depends on the salary earned by the non primary parent (primary parent is the one in receipt of child benefit and who does all the life admin ie doctors etc for the kids). Even with 5050 exdp should pay me £400/month and I do work full time before anyone chimes in.

But a court will expect you to increase your hours. The housework etc is irrelevant, people juggle it and find the time so I am sorry but no court will accept that.

He isn't being unreasonable expecting you to work. He may let you stay in the house, but you will need to pay the mortgage and all the bills for it. A court won't make him pay it for you.

If you are in the UK then maintenance is calculated as a percentage of his salary - it doesn’t matter if you earn zero or £1m.

Can you afford the mortgage on a part-time salary? As he is money orientated and in your words turning increasingly nasty, I wouldn’t assume that he will keep his promise to pay the mortgage on your current home because he will probably want to buy his own property one day. Relying on him to pay the mortgage is a major risk because he could suddenly say he is not going to pay the mortgage any more because he wants to buy with new gf. Your child could be doing exams and have to move schools quickly. You need to clarify what he means by you staying in the house - he might mean you pay the mortgage and in the future, give him 50% of the house equity including decades of payments that you made alone. This will create a new housing crisis when your youngest is 18 and you need a 2/3 bedroom home because uni students don’t always have accomodation during holidays.

He’s not unreasonable to ask for the kids 50% but he can’t ask for every weekend because the kids would never get time to chill with you or see your side of the family. He’s allowed to use a nanny, childminder etc during his time so that he can work and if his work is important then I’d expect that to be the case. Is he self employed ? Self employment creates legal ways to minimising income on paper so child maintenance is minimal.

Do you know his income? I would put it into a Child Maintenance calculator and see if you might get something. Otherwise you need to stop focus on how to increase your income. Your ex is only required to pay you child maintenance so be wary of any big promises that he may make right now like paying the mortgage.

You’ll be expected to work full time e, or top up with cns and benefits. He won’t be expected to pay for house and maintenance to keep you part time. That’s just reality and a court would expect that. That’s not h being awful.

if you can’t afford to pay the mortgage and bills , it’s also possible the house will have to be sold. Hence ft work might allow you higher chance of remaining. Even then if his capital is tied up on it you might only be allowed to remain for a limited time

what assets are there?
what is his salary

thanks all for your comments and advice. They’re really helpful.

@LunaCoyote my commuting is about 30 min, and yes I’ll have to use breakfast club too. That’ll be around £5x2 per day that’s included in the calculation so the difference for me to work full time or doing school run 3 times a week is only £200.
I am hoping the kids to stay in the current house at night most of the time. Maybe kids can stay with him some weekends, but not every other week. My hundreds work is bury so I’m not sure if that’s doable (and I worry about hygiene and well-being of kids). Someone also mentioned some kids stay each parent place every other day, so parents see them every day, but I think it’s very unsettling for the kids.
I admire you doing meal from scratch and homework with yours. Mine are still quite young and bed time is early, so unless I plan batch cooked meal well I don’t think I can cook, feed, homework, and do bedtime routine in less than 2 hours!

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan okay that’s really helpful advise thanks. I am hoping to solve it ourselves rather than going to court as money is tight as it is, but understand I can’t expect him to pay if I’m not full time worker.

ill be back here later again to reply to Snor and Milly thanks xx

It’s not reasonable of you to say he can’t have them every other week or weekend. At the least that’s what a court would give, to include one or two mid week overnights. eg if not 50:50 he’d get as min eiw Friday night possibly thru Monday morning and one midweek overnight every week ( on the basis he wants that or more)

if he can do 50:50 a court likely to award that,

that will also help in your return to work full time

Check your benefits entitlement in case you get help with childcare. Agree a schedule where he is responsible for childcare on his days and you are free to work. long term the best thing is for you to be financially independent and building up own equity. Staying in a house you can’t afford solo is expensive to maintain and when it’s split your share probably won’t be enough if you’ve only got half the equity. It’s also easier to move children and downsize when they are young.

I think you need to think about this differently.

It's not about him making you do anything. If you look at it that way, it's only going to cause resentment. He can't - and won't - 'push' you into to do anything. Decisions are no longer joint.

What will probably be the case, is you cannot afford not to work full time. He will give you as CMS whatever the calculator insists on - I wouldn't rely on more. Then, he will be responsible for all costs during his time with the kids - this will include after school clubs for the nights he has them, for example.

It is in no way his responsibility to make sure you'll have enough money for your 50% of the time, bar whatever is agreed in the divorce/CMS. These are now all your decisions to make. If you think you'll be able to survive off a PT salary, including paying the mortgage etc, that's fine. If not, you'll need to up your hours.

@Snorlaxo Thanks for very helpful advise and view. No I cannot afford mortgage for the current house by myself even full time. He’ll have to keep his name on it so maybe we can split the mortgage payment & equity 50 50 if we can afford to.

he works full time and think he is earning 80-85k but also has his own business, just to do 2-3k worth work a year. My salary is 36 full time, currently 14-15k. I’ve just done the child maintenance calculation, it’s very helpful to know that’s the only amount he’ll have to pay.

i have my own counsellor and she told me I shouldn’t be committing to work full time because of pressure as I should have more entitlement than I think. This chat has helped me to notice there isn’t really. I def don’t want to be in housing crisis when kids are older….

@millymollymoomoo thank you, yes I start to understand more after reading everyone’s reply here. His income is around 80-85k plus freelance 2-3k. Asset is only house, not much savings.
i don’t mean he can’t have kids every other week or weekend but I was hoping that to be minimal, he can still take kids out over the weekends and do school run, homework’s and bedtime etc, but for kids to sleep in the current house, as hunband likes his sleep anyway, and don’t like to be disturbed, also it’s very unsettling for kids to keep sleeping in different places. He often looking at the phone when he’s supposed
to look after kids, lost child in a park before, it just worries me.

@grumpyoldeyeore good point. I think I’ll see the mortgage advisor first, see what I can afford by myself, it’ll be small but at least I’ll be independent. Just completed renovation and kids loving it so it’s a shame but life has to move on I guess..

He won’t have to keep his name on it!

most likely the house will need to be sold

you will be assessed on ft earnings of 36k plus cms- and when you do that you’ll find your net take home don’t be too far disconnected.

so on 36k your net would be 2400 pr mth
then you’d get cms plus child benefit plus help with childcare

his on 80k would be around 4.5k pr mth less cms

he’s not considered really high earner so you can forget spousal and him being expected to stay on mortgage or a long mesher order

you need to understand the equity, both housing needs ( the same), value of pensions etc,

expecting to stay working pt, in the sane house with him paying and staying in mortgage and deferring any capital - totally unrealistic

@LittleRedRidingHoody Very good point. Thank you. No I cannot afford the current mortgage payment and bills with pt salary. It’s a bit of wake up call here, thanks!

He will and should get overnights . and on the basis he wants that ( which he should) he 100% will get it

Sorry OP, but if he wants 50/50, then he'll be going for overnights as that is what effects the CMS calculation.

And in court, the alleged disturbance of sleeping somewhere else/a parent on their phone at the park etc is not going to fly at all. If he is actively seeking out 50/50, unless you have proper safeguarding concerns he is likely to get it.

@millymollymoomoo Thanks. I understand he doesnt have to keep his name on mortgage (that’s meshed order right?) but if he does and agree to pay half mortgage and have half equity of the house that might work? Keep as kind of investment, he’ll probably still afford another house / flat and I can probably afford half mortgage working full time.

i don’t see how he’d afford it tbh, certainly would t be able to buy another property and it would completely impact his ability to get another mortgage. Bear in mind his housing needs are the same as yours.

but you’re not giving information about equity value, mortgage value, where you live ( we don’t know if cheaper or more expensive part of country) etc ( of course you don’t have to) but t’s impossible to judge whether that’s even a possible outcome

but imo he’d be daft to agree, certainly for anything longer than a few years.

Btw in your op you mention 2 bed. His needs are 3 bed - like yours.

you seem to expect to divorce and have it all your way ie

keep the fmh
he pays half of everything
work pt
tou ‘keep’ the kids but he can gave them when you permit it overnight
he Moves out into tiny flat renting while you stay where you are( and he pays you to do so)
he’s tied on a mortgage to a property he’s not living in impacting his own ability to purchase a house

you seem to think this is fair. It’s not

If you did go to court you’d be expected to maximise your income, ie work full time. You need to find out what universal credit and child benefit you are entitled to. If you get universal credit, they will also help pay up to 85% of childcare costs.

This will probably come as a shock but I’m surprised a solicitor has not already explained this to you. Perhaps you can negotiate and let your ex keep more pension and liquid funds in exchange for the house but it’s unlikely he will stay on your mortgage, so you need to also find out if the bank will let you take on the mortgage on your own.