Decided to ask for a divorce, what comes after?

[KJgards]

I (38f) have been considering my marriage for a while now (at least 8 months) and I've decided that it's definitely what I want/need.

My husband and I met when I was 23 and it was a messy, immature relationship. I got pregnant in less than a year and we married after baby number 2 at 27.

We made it work, even though we are fundamentally different people, with very different approaches to life. We always said we were so different that it made us work - I'm outgoing, ambitious, sociable, confident and glass half full, whereas he is a quiet, unsociable, glass half empty type of person.

As time has gone on, I've succeeded at work, I've got a huge group of friends (some mutual) and I enjoy experiencing all kinds of things with our now teenage boys.

He on the other hand, has gotten progressively more miserable (he's older, 43) and just simply cannot find any enjoyment in life.

We lead completely different/separate lives.

I've tried and tried to get him to engage, will little to no success. The only thing he comments on is the fact that we're barely intimate anymore (who the hell wants to sleep with someone who barely acknowledges them, touches them, makes them feel loved). He tries to guilt trip me on that constantly, but I have absolutely zero interest.

I love him, he's the father of my boys. But I'm not in love with him. I don't want to hurt him. But we're clearly incompatible 15 years down the line...

I've decided to get through one last christmas and then tell him I want to separate in the new year. I was going to try and make it 3 years until both kids have left senior school. But I can't do it. I can't live this life any more.

I've now started to vocalise my feelings to a few close friends and they all support me and challenged me on why I've waited for so long (I have no idea - didn't want to be another broken family I suppose!). It's given me the confidence to do it. I know I can do it.

I out earn him x3. I pay for EVERYTHING. He makes no financial contribution to running our home (apart from the odd trip to tesco and the kids phone bills), so I know I'll be ok.

I guess my question is (sorry for the pre-waffle above!), what does my financial position mean in a divorce?

We rent our home, have no joint assets (have our own cars etc) and have completely separate pensions etc.

I would like to stay in our rented property, I think he'd have to go back to his parents (at least temporarily), and I would like to have 50/50 custody (if not more in my favour).

Is this likely to make for an easy split? I know he'll use anything and everything against me - I sometimes travel for work (twice a month max but overnight, but my employer will support my childcare arrangements if needs be) and we have a dog (he'll use her against me).

Is there anything I should do upfront before I approach him about separation? Do I need to plan to move (not that he could afford our house alone). I have a lot of savings (in a separate bank account) and i feel like I've almost got everything covered??

What else should I consider?

Thanks for your help 😘

That all sounds a little sad and i can understand you wanting to divorce but just to say, that savings pot may be in your name but it is a marital asset and can't be used solely by you.

Does your husband work? Where do his earnings go?

He’ll be due a share of your pension if it’s larger than his, and the savings.

Hel be entitled to half your pensions and the savings.

Can we choose not to take each other's pensions? Can we keep them to ourselves if we both agree?

He does work, but he's self employed and basically pays to work at the moment. He drives for uber and uses the kids as an excuse not work (which drives me mad!). He pays for an expensive car, running costs, taxi licenses etc and basically just goes to the gym for 3 hrs a day, followed by about 3 hours work.

As far as I know, you can agree anything, so long as you both do actually agree.

But do you think he would agree? Is he likely to be very upset and try and hurt you financially in revenge for you leaving him?

I think he probably would. He's not spiteful like that (usually). He's always been 'mine is mine and yours is yours'. We used to half joke that the only thing he'd ever take if we split was the big tv and the sofa. I think I believe that!!

You really need to have a conversation with a solicitor to know exactly where you stand and to help you get your ducks in a row - nothing can beat proper legal advice when it comes to something like this.

I'm not suggesting this, just thinking out loud as I don't know how stuff works. What's to stop someone draining the savings, claiming they 'lost' it on gambling, or gave it away, while secretly putting it in a suitcase in the woods? Then when asset division comes up, we'll, there's nothing there. How is this checked/regulated? Sorry, slightly off topic.

You can try to agree between you

but if it’s very unbalanced a judge might refuse it. You’d need to demonstrate you both had independent legal advise and under stood implications

If your financial situation is relatively simple and UK-orientated, and if he is willing to work towards an agreement facilitated by a neutral mediator, you may find amicable.io to be helpful.

As a starting point you may also find useful info on their website, and you may be able to do a free 15 minute call with them.

I considered them for my own divorce but our situation was too complex for them to be suitable for us. However, their ethos seems sound and healthy and designed to help separating couples avoid the injection of venom that often comes with having adversarial lawyers.

You can divorce without a solicitor but you need one to sort the finances I would have thought. People change once it gets real.

The problem is divorce and money changes people. I would have sworn my ex was like that as well but he took everything he could from me, not that he needed it either.

Thank you for all of your responses - I'll definitely seek some advice, having slept on it, no matter how much I think I know how he'll react when it comes to finances, I need to make sure my kids and I are protected. That money is for a house deposit (don't you think it's quite telling that I stashed it, rather than buy us both a house?!).

Now, onto the next question - how the hell do I even begin to broach the subject with him? I'm definitely going to wait until after Xmas, although even overnight I've become more determined to do it and now I think I'll struggle over the next few weeks 😬

I'm going to do my equivalent of changing your hair after a big emotional shift and paint my living room this weekend to take my mind off it all 😂

I would suggest that you talk to him on neutral territory, where people are around in the background.

And plan some nice things to do with your kids and friends over the coming weeks.

I've just been through this exactly. So if you want to pm I'd be happy to do so. Details are a bit outing for me to print here but our circumstances tally except I'm older than you. It's early days for me, but getting easier every day, was completely the right thing to do.

If you're married everything starts off with being split 50/50. Pensions, savings etc. I had an agreement with my ex husband before the divorce on how we'd split assets (was in my favour as like you I pay for everything).

He's now going for everything (all my pension, house equity etc) - so my advice like PP is to not trust his word.

Honestly, now that I've had the experience I've had, I'd get rid of the savings somehow before you file for divorce.