Hi everyone,
I wondered if I could get any advice, as everyone has been so good previously. I’m (almost) divorced and have had quite the unpleasant split. We have now settled into routines at houses and find ourselves (almost) being able to move on however now everything is almost sorted it seems my ex is running out of ways to control/hurt me and has started using the kids. My youngest has admitted he’s finding it difficult as his Dad regularly speaks badly of me. Examples include, whenever they do anything wrong apparently he says “you’re just like your mother” and has outright told them he doesn’t like me. He apparently complains to them he’s broke all the time because he has to pay me money and I’ve caught him outright lying to my eldest child about things, saying I’ve had a go at him etc. He also spoke with the kids about changes to child contact arrangements before even talking to me about the possibility. When I said I was happy to discuss this he ignored me and continued to make out I was keeping him from seeing them. These are just some of many things he’s done/doing regarding the kids specifically.
i’ve now been told that he regularly bad mouths my new boyfriend to my eldest and they have conversations about how they don’t like him. I had sensed as much just from her behaviour both towards me and whenever my boyfriends name is mentioned.
I would like to stress I don’t bad mouth my ex to the kids. I try to be very diplomatic and at a push will try to get them thinking for themselves rather than commenting negatively about my ex. I also never ask them for this information- it has always been volunteered (mainly by my youngest) as he struggles with the idea that his dad would do this.
It’s also relevant to say that my ex thinks I had an affair with my boyfriend (which I didn’t) however he is now therefore desperate to paint me as the bad person. (He also rather conveniently seems to have forgotten the three major incidences where he was thought to have been unfaithful throughout our relationship and was forgiven every time).
Anyway, I digress. The main point of this post is that I cannot go to my ex with my concerns. When I have tried before he simply exploded at me, became verbally aggressive and tried to “punish” me in some way. But I will not have my kids affected by his behaviour, it’s heartbreaking to see the internal struggles they have with things and with me, nor will I have him ruin what is an amazing new relationship with someone I care about.
Has anyone had experience of this before? What’s the best way to deal with it? I would struggle to prove it I know, and I’m not sure what can be done even if I do? Is there a way to help them without putting more upset on them? I’d appreciate any advice - thank you x