Moving out of the marital home (ex staying)

[BigFishLittleFish10]

Has anyone got any experience please of moving out of the marital home and ex staying? My oldest is soon to be 13, loves this house and his bedroom. It’s the only home he’s ever known. My worry is that he will choose to mostly stay in the family home as he prefers it and that it’s close to his school and all his friends. I’m concerned that he will not want to stay the night with me and younger DS2. Worried that it will mean a total split where I’m mostly with his younger sibling and he mostly stays with his Dad.

Due to logistics I may end up moving out of our locality (but still in the same city) which will mean DS having to get public transport to school in the mornings (when he’s with me)

Due to ex’s shift work, if DS goes straight to the family home he will be alone from 3pm til 8pm. Then alone from 5.30am when ex leaves for work. Ex doesn’t work these shifts every day but also works nights etc.

At almost 13, he can choose where he stays and I fear that he’s going to choose to mostly stay with ex husband.

Can anyone advise please? Thank you.

Can you not have the house instead? It sounds like DC will be left alone a lot, could that be your reason to swing it your way?

I did move out of the family home with my 3 DC. it’s different though as basically… well they don’t really like their dad and don’t have a great relationship. once they adjusted to the idea they were excited for a new start even though it was a smaller much less grand house. They took a lot of stuff from their old bedrooms as they were going to be mostly with me.

id actually hoped him staying in the house would make them feel better about going back and spending time with him but it didn’t really. They said it didn’t feel like home anymore because I wasn’t there 😢

this sounds tough op. Agree with the pp- is there no way you can stay in the house? I think that’s a lot of time alone at 13. And you could possibly argue that your ex wouldn’t be able to ensure he attends school at the right times etc. Or alternatively if no other option think I would try and make sure that both of the kids were with you and in a new home for most of the time. That might seem brutal for your oldest now but in reality it might actually mean he’s not left alone to drink/smoke/other poor choices as a teen. Sometimes it’s better the devil you know.. not all teens are like that of course but some are and it can be a rocky road. I would think it would be quite distressing for both the kids to have a set up where they are split like you say. The obvious answer is to ensure that doesn’t happen and you have a fresh start together. Maybe even that means no one staying in that house and everyone starting afresh. Lots of luck to you x

Yes I bought a different house and moved out. It was absolutely horrific. Worst decision of my life. I hated the new house, after 12 years in the marital home where I was comfortable. Kids were more comfortable in the marital home where all their toys were and their home comforts, even though I tried to make new home as cosy as possible.

No idea why I volunteered to move out when ex was the cheater. I wasnt thinking straight. ended up persuading ex to ‘let’ me come back to marital home. Lasted 5 months and we agreed he would move out and I would buy marital home off him which is what I should have done all along.

I’ve wasted thousands in fees, stamp duty, conveyancers etc.The stress is horrific. I’m still stuck with the other house as well! Tried to sell it but nobody was interested.

My advice to you is to stay in the family home and have him move out! Even if it means taking an extra job, going without holidays, selling your belongings. Happy to discuss privately if you want. Good luck.

I think at 12/13 you make the call about his well-being. No way would I be ok with my little boy being alone all that time with his parents just split up. That would be awful for him. He comes to you after school for dinner and homework. If he wants to sleep over at dad's to be near school for the morning you drive him there in the evening. Then he just has one commute to make, after school. You cannot let a little boy make decisions like that that would leave him unsupervised and lonely.

I moved out of the marital home even though cheating exH was happy for me to stay - too many bad memories and too much upkeep. Bought a smaller place, took time off over the summer holidays to get DC settled in and used to the new place. I tried to get them excited about having two homes. They were much younger than your DS though but now they’re around his age. They’re not given a choice, we split custody 50:50. If you can coparent amicably, you and your ex should enforce whatever split you two agree upon (i.e. your son doesn’t get to pick and choose). My DC are happy at both homes although I think they prefer mine (exH moved OW in and has two new DC with her so my DC feel a bit sidelined especially since OW doesn’t really engage with them).

If you make your new place a welcoming home for him, the familiarity of the marital home shouldn’t matter - it’s your presence that matters, not the building. Get him involved in choosing things for his new room, or the house even.

My DP’s teenage daughter hated being home alone for hours after school when her mum was at work. If you can WFH on the days your son is meant to be at yours, it will help make it more appealing. My DD often pops into my home before heading over to exH on “his” days because she wants to see me.

Thank you all for your replies. I feel like this is an impossible situation. I’m planning all of this in secret and will be setting up a house that will be all ready to move into eventually so I can just go straight away. I’m leaving the marital home due to emotional abuse/verbal abuse and some very nasty stuff early on when I was pregnant/when DCs were babies (not physical but dreadful stuff he would threaten and say)

To make it more difficult he’s actually being really nice lately.

I feel like if I was to end it and try and get him out he would turn very nasty and would potentially refuse to leave. I would also be concerned about him seeing the home as forever his and not respecting boundaries etc.

I feel like a fresh start where I have somewhere that’s completely mine and somewhere new would be (although hard) healthier and safer and I wouldn’t cave in and let DH back in the house like I’ve done in the past.

But the practicalities are a nightmare, especially as I don’t know where I will end up (I’m on the council housing/housing association list) It will essentially mean teen will have to get a bus on his own after school to the new house and back in the morning. I agree, him being alone for that long isn’t going to work, it’s not fair on him and splitting him from his younger sibling too.

DS teen is used to his lovely comfortable house which is a short walk from his comp, it is a worry how much this will affect him.

Thanks for reading this far.