Telling the kids, one is at uni

[cornflakegirl]

H and I are separating. Two kids, DS1 at uni a couple of hours away, DS2 mid teens. Planning to tell them in a couple of weeks, but not sure how to handle logistics.

Should we ask DS1 to come home for the weekend, or tell him over the phone (with the option to come home after)? He's not due home till just before Christmas, and I don't want to do it then.

He's ND, pretty black and white thinking, and I'm not sure how he's going to take it. We're planning to try living together until the end of the school year to minimise disruption for DS2, so in a sense there won't be much change for DS1. But I don't want to just assume that he's going to be fine. But I also don't know how to ask him to come home without making him worry.

Sorry to hear you are going through this :( it's a tricky one.

Could you and your husband go and visit him, to tell him together in person? Then can offer to bring him straight home afterwards?

It sounds as though you guys are civil if you are planning to stay living together for a while, so perhaps this could be an option for you?

I'd say it's much better face to face, so you can reassure him and he can see you together. If he talks on the phone then wants to just cut you off, it's going be so worrying if he won't answer.

Yes, that could work. I was thinking that we should tell both boys at the same time, but maybe it's better not to.

We'd have to tell DS2 first, and then take him with us, I think. Unless we didn't tell him first and told them both there.

We've never visited without a reason, so I don't know whether asking to visit him is just as worrying for him as asking him to come home?

Sorry you are going through this. Face to face for sure. This happened to me in my third year of uni. My parents came, sat me down, told me they were splitting, the family house was sold & mum was moving back to her hometown, dad was moving in with another woman. It was a hell of a lot to take in at once so if you can, just keep to the separating topic rather than bombard with logistics. That will be enough first. My crazy parents then took me out for a meal & acted totally normal, I was a mess. Actually all I needed was my friends to vent at, not sitting across the table from my parents making small talk. Face to face was important though. However you say it will be a shock (I had no clue my parents were even unhappy!!). But keep it simple, small amounts of information at a time so as not to bombard. Good luck!

Thanks. I'm leaning towards asking him to come home. He has friends at uni, but I'm not sure how close they are. If he's at home, he has space where he can hide away, but also if he wants to talk to us later, he can.

The real question is will this be a total surprise. If you are planning to stay living together, it sounds like it might.

I personally was thrilled when I got a phone call at university that my mother had left my father. It was emotional and intense, but it was some of the best news I ever got in my life. (Then a year later they got back together which was some of the worst)

I certainly didn’t need to be called home or handled.

Could you tell them both after Christmas, depending on how long he is staying for before going back to uni? Like early January or something?

If you’re not immediately changing your living situation then they might feel better having spent some time with you both over Christmas before finding out?

You must see though that you are pretty unusual in that - most children even if they are teens/young adults will be devastated that their parents are splitting up. Even more so if they are autistic and so are really likely to struggle with change and the unknown.

But well done you for not needing to be 'called home or handled'.

I was at uni when my parents split up. They asked me to come home for the weekend. For me it was better to be home with my siblings and they told us all together. It was a complete shock to all of us.
It was many years ago so unfortunately I can't remember what reason they gave for me to be home.
It was mums decision and they told us in October and she stayed until Christmas so we all had one family Christmas together. That was a weird time.
She moved out when I was back at uni, it was easiest on me being away than my siblings who had to watch her leave.

You’re concerned about telling them … I’m another one who says the split may not be a big deal to them, they may be more concerned about whether they will be staying in the family home or whether they will have to share a bedroom.

I think it will be a surprise.

H has been sleeping in the spare room since the summer. But he does sometimes anyway, so I don't know whether they will have read anything into that.

I don't want to wait until after Christmas. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle living together but not being together. It's not my decision to separate. I think our issues are mainly poor communication but H refuses to work at it. I'm struggling when he's brusque with me, and also struggling when he's nice to me.