Ex trying to grey rock me

[Minimochi]

Hi,
I'm a bit confused as to how to respond to this one. Ex walked out a few months ago. I assume his new bunch of friends (and most likely a new gf) have convinced him that I'm toxic and unreasonable and whatever else.
He's now trying to grey rock me by just responding with absolute basics when I try to talk to him. Now, I don't have a particular urge to chat with him but it's making things a little difficult. He's refusing to pay child maintenance (I'm about to get this sorted without him), visitation has to be on his terms (I'm currently refusing to bow down to his demands...what he wants isn't workable) and I need to sort the house financially as well.
He's refused to sit down and talk to me, even during mediation with someone else there. It now means I need to do everything through "official" channels, because he's sorting fuck all. It's just so bloody tedious and I'm a bit pissed off that he is the one who walked out without any concerns, just leaving all his responsibilities behind and me to sort it all out...and then he tries to play the poor little victim as well.

What are his justifications for grey rocking you? That technique is used to deescalate issues and not give the 'aggressor' any ammunition to start stuff.

At the moment, all you've said is 'partner is grey rocking me because he claims I'm abusive/manipulative'.

It could also be that he's just lazy and wants to dump all the mental load on you of course!

I know what it's meant to be for...Ex believes I'm horrible and toxic but can't (or won't) actually tell me what I've done. I'm pretty sure his friends have convinced him of this. I've never met these friends and they don't know me, so I assume they've formed their opinion based on him complaining about me.
He initially complained to me that we aren't communicating and I made an effort to try and talk to him about how he was feeling, what was bothering him and trying to come up with ideas on how to spend some quality time together. He wasn't interested, though, and still didn't talk to me. (I've always been the more open one, talking about my day, how I was feeling, etc.) When he left, I just got a, "I can't do this anymore. This isn't making me happy." He didn't actually tell me what it was that made him unhappy and just walked out.
He was then barely contacting me or DC1 for the next few weeks. (I was in hospital in labour and then home with a newborn...so a bit of support or at least some interest in the whole situation would have been nice. DC1 was completely thrown by the whole situation of dad leaving, me not being home and a new sibling arriving.)
I'm now trying to sort him seeing DC but get responses that sound like I'm talking to a robot. He took DC to school for the first time in a year the other day and I got, "DC has safely been taken to school on time" as a message later on. He sends me emails, addressing me by my full name. It makes him look like a complete twat...but it doesn't actually get us any closer to sorting out what needs to be sorted. OK, so he wants a divorce. Let's get it over with and allow everyone to move on...

When a relationship fails it's horrible for everyone and how people feel is often illogical

He feels he is best using only official routes , you are best just accepting that and moving forward

This isn't grey rocking, it's withholding. By adopting that word you are giving credence to his narrative, which unless there is something you are not telling us, is entirely inaccurate and you don't agree with it. Please stop using that word otherwise it makes it look as if you agree with him. I would stop worrying about how he or his friends describe you, and start describing him more accurately. He is someone who has walked out on you whilst pregnant/giving birth, leaving you with two small children to look after, not paying child maintenance and refusing to engage with you or any process and doing the bare minimum. Why are you working so hard to engage with him? You need to forget the idea of co-parenting and think more of parallel parenting. And use your own words to describe what is happening.

Are you sure he’s replying and not OW?

OK, so perhaps I got the wrong terminology for it. I wasn't sure. I could understand that he has that impression of me and was trying to use that technique because of it. I think he's either going through a midlife crisis or has depression and had asked him to seek some help. However, anything I say is just "wrong".

I'm trying to sort it out because I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm on maternity leave and not being paid right now. Him not agreeing to maintenance means I cannot get the loan sorted to buy him out, which also means I continue to pay the full mortgage for a property he feels he is allowed to walk in and out of and decide about.
Additionally, I've got a DC at home who misses dad and feels terrified that he's leaving again at the drop of a hat.
We've been together for 20 years. I'm trying to be reasonable and patient but his victim narrative is grating. (I do have lots of support from friends and family.)

Perhaps. I've thought about that but don't have any proof.