SAHM wanting a divorce.

[overthepondmum]

I know there are a lot of threads on here but I thought I'd get some advice/feedback on my situation.

I'm currently a stay at home mum to three children, one in reception and twins who are 2. I'm originally from N.America but have settled status here. We have no childcare and no family nearby.

I want to divorce from my husband, however he controls all the finances and gives me some money for groceries and sometimes extras when I ask. I don't even know where to start. He won't pay for childcare and earns over the threshold for free hours. I want to retrain and go into tech but I'm so exhausted by the time they go to sleep, I can't take in the information.

We own our flat and still have quite a bit of the mortgage to pay off, I would get enough for a down payment on a modest house if we sold however I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage since I stopped working over 5 years ago.

I just don't know where to go from here, I don't know if I should take the money and go back home or what services would be offered if I left.

I'm starting to sell off baby clothes/toys and have opened a bank account in my name but this is not enough with three children.

I don't know if I should stay until my twins are in school and then use that year to gain some certifications and look for work or if I'm better leaving now and getting childcare hours to do that and work part time.

My husband has said that if I go after him for spousal maintenance, he will quit his job and travel so he won't have to pay anything. He lacks empathy, is rude and isn't someone I want my children around very much. If we split he won't be that present.

I just feel like I'm in a hole I can't dig myself out of and in a foreign country where I don't know how things really work.

Spousal maintenance is very rare. Best to book an appointment with a lawyer to go over your options.

If he goes travelling, you could go back to the US?

You need a lawyer.

You need a solicitor first. Secondly, I would focus on getting a PT job as soon as the youngest go to nursery/school, then you can save and plan.
I was in your shoes and my youngest was 7 by the time I got out. I was able to buy outright and get by from my PT job, child maintenence and UC. It's hard but so much better.
If you have access to a debit card, add £5 cash back to petrol and groceries. I know mine was often taken from me so that can be harder than it seems.
If you are given cash, ensure that fod you buy to cook for him is the cheapest alternative and keep any left over. It does add up.
Hang in there!

rSpousal maintenance is becoming very difficult to get (which I think is a good thing)
You need to be planning to get back to work asap

Is your DH from the same country as you? How long have you both been here? Were your children born here?

Because "just going home" might not be possible depending on the above, not without leaving your children behind.

Spousal maintenance is rare although it might be applicable in your case; it's impossible to know without knowing incomes. That said, if he quit his job and went travelling there is very little you could do about it if - as you suggest - assets are limited (and you would probably have been awarded the lion's share of them already anyway). In theory, you could apply for enforcement but the end result would be a legal bill and the same reality that he had no income and couldn't pay.

Some people claim that threats of ceasing employment are rarely carried out but I would say it really depends on the quantum, the term and the rest of the settlement. Someone who has to pay less than 10% of their net income for a couple of years with a guaranteed hard stop after that with no possibility of the recipient coming back for more is much less likely to quit their job than someone on a "modestly comfortable" salary like £100k paying 30% of their net income for life and who is also indefinitely stuck on a mortgage in a house they are not allowed to live in as this latter person has very little to work for.

@overthepondmum From the information you have provided it sounds like you are in a financially abusive (now called economic abuse) relationship, which is a type of domestic abuse. Most places in the England have some sort of free legal advice for victims of domestic abuse.
Here is some information on economic abuse
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/

I would definitely speak to a solicitor about any intentions (from you or him) of taking the children out of the country.

PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR A WOMAN EXPERIENCING DOMESTIC ABUSE IS WHEN SHE IS CONSIDERING/TRYING OR HAS JUST LEFT THE RELATIONSHIP. PLEASE GET SOME ADVICE AND A SAFETY PLAN.

This is because domestic abusers are used to having control over you, IE giving you just enough money for bills but nothing else. Not allowing you access to childcare, so your freedom to work, have friends etc is reduced. Moving you away from family so you are isolated even further. Below is the link to the National Helpline. They can direct you to your local services.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/#:~:text=Call%20us%2024%2F7&text=Call%20for%20free%20and%20in,a%20day%3A%200808%202000%20247.

From watching American TV shows, alimony (spousal maintenance) seems very normal but in the UK is very rare. What we do have is child maintenance. There are some parents that will do anything to avoid paying this but the law is that both parents have a financial responsibility for their children.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

Apologies if I am wrong but if I am not, it can be overwhelming to come to this realisation and I hope you get the help needed.

@CuddlyDudley5000 Generally good advice but I would be a bit wary of S.E.A. Their research is a bit iffy to say the least.

My first thought was not being able to take the children to the US but agree if he takes off you could take the back to the US as he won’t be able to argue keeping them in the uk with him. I absolutely would not let him have any idea your thinking this as he sounds like he’d stay just to keep you taking the kids home with you.

He sounds very controlling and not respectful of you and your free time by working you to the bone. Not surprised you are exhausted after caring for three small children with no help at the end of the day. Too mean to pay for any childcare? Doesn't he think you need a break from them??

Definitely speak with a solicitor. You can do this in confidence and many offer half an hour of free advice.

He would have to pay child maintenance for your three children if you divorced. You can check the calculator (look up child maintenance) for a suggested amount.

Wouldn't he even agree to a nanny for one day a week to take the pressure off you? You poor thing, you must be burnt out x