I’m still very confused. My whole life changed very quickly. I was with him for over 10 years, we have a child. He was a husband in everything but legality. I suddenly woke up and realised that I had to end it:
- he made me upset by telling me off in public
- he would smack my arm in public (sometimes quite hard) if I didn’t something he didn’t like
- We would argue a lot
- When we weren’t arguing he was working on his days off and I would do solo childcare
- He held me back for years and made me wait to do things because he thought it would threaten his stuff if I did things (wanted a “wife” to cook)
- bossed me around generally and criticised a lot, e.g. my cooking
- used to teach me on a course and significant age gap
- grumpy old man, started to smell, i found him repulsive
What the fuck happened? I’m in my mid-late 30s now. I feel like a champagne bottle cork has been taken off and it fizzed for a while quite uncontrollably but now it’s just fizzing. Everyone tells me I have done the right thing. I will be fine financially. I’ve got plans and aspirations. I’m getting really healthy and drinking so much less. I’m seeing friends on my days off from childcare. I’m trying to get out and socialise more.
I feel so weird though. This is alien to me. It’s pleasant but uncomfortable to not repress feelings. I have feelings for other people. These other people have whole lives of their own unconnected to my life. I’m sensing my own attraction to others. I used to ignore these feelings, push them down and tell myself I was taken. Now I’m not and it’s causing me to feel chaotic. This is good? It’s difficult to handle.
Can anyone relate?