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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Nearly divorced and out, and suddenly so sad about it all

5 replies

Baffers100 · 11/11/2024 11:26

Well...any time now I should have a financial order. I hope I will accepted on a house down the road (private renting), we'd negotiated up from zero pension and 30% equity to 50/50 on both and the day of me not living here is in sight.

I feel on one hand so excited. I live in the spare bedroom- I put the kids to bed and sit here all night. I can't wait to spread out on a sofa, watching Tv in a lounge and be in a tidy home.

The realisation has hit though- my world is my two children and my dream of being out means I won't see them every day. Every night I kiss them goodnight, always have, and I won't be able to do that. I see them every morning, I hug my beautiful son and daughter and my heart could explode.

I feel selfish for going, but I need to for me. The alternative is staying here. I hate their dad. He does nothing, he's beyond lazy. I pay for everything and almost single handedly raise the kids- they've always felt like they were just my children, He barely has any interest in his daughter.

I don't want the kids to hate me or hold this against me forever (they're 5 and 9). I can't make them understand- some of the things just aren't for children. He SA'd me at 5 1/2 months post partum with my son and that was one massive factor which drove me away. I want them to forgive me, and on some level understand. I need to be happy and I can't be happy in this house with that man. I have two options and they're both dire.

I just feel so low. I've been on a real high these past two months as it finally seems like I am getting progress, and I just thought last night, the day will come where all my stuff goes on a van and I drive off to my new place, and my children are here.

We are doing 50/50 custody but this still hurts and I just feel so alone with it all.

OP posts:
CranberryBakewell · 11/11/2024 13:44

Sorry you're feeling so low. You've got big changes coming and it's natural that you're feeling scared and sad that your marriage has ended this way. But your comment about having been abused after having your DS means you are absolutely doing the right thing in leaving.

Is it likely that the 50/50 childcare arrangement may change in the future? If your H doesn't currently have much interest in his daughter, it may be that he won't want to keep that arrangement going forward.

Sending you strength for this next bit.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/11/2024 13:59

Don't leave the DC when you move in, take them with you, even if you then send them back later for DH's 50:50 deal.
I think I'd be saying to him that you want them to be settled in the new place happily, so it's best for them if they are actively involved in the move. It honestly doesn't sound like he is that interested in them, I reckon 50:50 will soon dwindle.

Baffers100 · 11/11/2024 16:00

50/50 may well dwindle...he's ok with our son, but does very little with our daughter. His go-to weekend activity is sitting playing minecraft. He used to complain that he was outnumbered with two children on his own so couldn't do anything.

I'm more worried around the standard of care. Since saying I wanted a divorce I have had to set up a rota so he actually puts the kids to bed. (I once didn't put them down wondering when he would step up...) He's lax with toothbrushing and doesn't police it, not great at bathing, washing their hair (more for my 4 year old with hair like a mermaid, my son takes himself off to the shower).

Yesterday my little girl said she was hungry at bedtime. He shouted at her that maybe she should eat her dinner, placed her on her bed and walked off closing the door (she likes the door ajar as she doesn't like the dark). I went in for cuddles and tucked her in to bed, and found him in the kitchen sorting cheese and toast out for himself. He actually complained that the kids have eaten all the crackers so he couldn't have them- no care for his hungry daughter.

OP posts:
BigBoysDontCry · 11/11/2024 16:06

What a prince.

My Dc were adults when we split so I don't really have much in the way of advice on that score but only to say that children aren't stupid and they know that you love them. For their sake, they also have to believe that he loves them too even though he is obviously shit on a day to day basis. I'm not sure if you might find it easier to take action on neglect once you are split in a way that is difficult whilst you are all still living together?

Anyway, just really came to say that you are allowed to feel sad. It's not really sadness for leaving the current situation, it's about being sad that the hopes and dreams you had when starting out didn't happen and that your situation is going to be different than you thought it was going to be.

Believe me however that once you have your own space and your own time with DC you will be happier and you'll feel the release of tension that you didn't even know you were holding.

Best of luck for a happier future for you all.

Baffers100 · 11/11/2024 16:58

BigBoysDontCry · 11/11/2024 16:06

What a prince.

My Dc were adults when we split so I don't really have much in the way of advice on that score but only to say that children aren't stupid and they know that you love them. For their sake, they also have to believe that he loves them too even though he is obviously shit on a day to day basis. I'm not sure if you might find it easier to take action on neglect once you are split in a way that is difficult whilst you are all still living together?

Anyway, just really came to say that you are allowed to feel sad. It's not really sadness for leaving the current situation, it's about being sad that the hopes and dreams you had when starting out didn't happen and that your situation is going to be different than you thought it was going to be.

Believe me however that once you have your own space and your own time with DC you will be happier and you'll feel the release of tension that you didn't even know you were holding.

Best of luck for a happier future for you all.

Thank you x

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