Well...any time now I should have a financial order. I hope I will accepted on a house down the road (private renting), we'd negotiated up from zero pension and 30% equity to 50/50 on both and the day of me not living here is in sight.
I feel on one hand so excited. I live in the spare bedroom- I put the kids to bed and sit here all night. I can't wait to spread out on a sofa, watching Tv in a lounge and be in a tidy home.
The realisation has hit though- my world is my two children and my dream of being out means I won't see them every day. Every night I kiss them goodnight, always have, and I won't be able to do that. I see them every morning, I hug my beautiful son and daughter and my heart could explode.
I feel selfish for going, but I need to for me. The alternative is staying here. I hate their dad. He does nothing, he's beyond lazy. I pay for everything and almost single handedly raise the kids- they've always felt like they were just my children, He barely has any interest in his daughter.
I don't want the kids to hate me or hold this against me forever (they're 5 and 9). I can't make them understand- some of the things just aren't for children. He SA'd me at 5 1/2 months post partum with my son and that was one massive factor which drove me away. I want them to forgive me, and on some level understand. I need to be happy and I can't be happy in this house with that man. I have two options and they're both dire.
I just feel so low. I've been on a real high these past two months as it finally seems like I am getting progress, and I just thought last night, the day will come where all my stuff goes on a van and I drive off to my new place, and my children are here.
We are doing 50/50 custody but this still hurts and I just feel so alone with it all.