STBX blaming my mental state and telling everyone!

[trailblazer42]

Plenty of threads about my situation on here, but I'm really struggling with how my STBX is blaming everything on my mental health and refuses to see beyond this.

I've always struggled with anxiety and as a teenager I used to self-harm...this has reared its head a few times over the years and always in response to arguments I've had with him and mostly his silent treatments. I finally spoke to the GP about my anxiety last November and started taking anti-depressants. This and having counselling has been working really and I've felt so much better since then and haven't harmed myself for 18mths now.

STBX was unaware of all of this...he did know about the self harm from when I was younger but not anything more recent and I have high functioning anxiety so have always hidden it from everyone.

As part of our talks over the last few months I told him about it. Partly as we were trying to be transparent about our feelings but also so he could see how his behaviour has affected me and why separation isn't a rash decision on my part. But also that I feel like now I've made progress and got this under control, I feel much clearer and stronger to make decisions for myself.

However, since I left him two weeks ago he has continuously thrown my decision back at me because he claims I am depressed, am making irrational and rash decisions based on my mental health, am lacking in emotional intelligence and despite telling him that I want an emotional initmate relationship with someone, that I am incapable of having that. He has spoken to my family, his family, my friends and says they have examples and evidence to back all of this up. He met with my best friend last week and told her he's worried about me and that I'm destroying our family because of it.

He is messaging me links, quotes and screenshots that show my behaviour is all down to my depression and mental health issues. He says this break up is a form of self harm because I'm afraid of my own emotions and refuse to deal with them so am running away.

Writing this out now makes it sound ridiculous but when he says all these things (via text as we're not talking) I start to doubt myself and I'm worried that I'm being painted in this light to everyone around me.

How do I deal with this? I'm worried he's going to drag this into the divorce in some way (can he do that?)...I plan to file the application next week when I have managed to get in the house to get a copy of my marriage certificate. He is now signed off work with anxiety (the irony!) but has a weekend away with our son planned so I can get it without hassle. And no, I didn't leave without it, somehow the photos I took have disappeared from my icloud account since I left and was removed from the family Apple account.

I'm sorry to hear this @trailblazer42

I told my STBXH in October 2022 I wanted a divorce. He said I wasn't myself (aha..) and he was happy so he thought the marriage was fine. He said me not being me just meant I needed to get some anti-depressants. This would pop up often when arguing- he thought it was perfectly reasonable for me to medicate myself to an extent where his total lack of contribution to the marriage would not be noticed. What a joke.

I'm here because of a number of reasons. At 5 1/2 post partum with our first child, he sexually assulted me. I was recovering from an episiotmy which was the equivalent to a second degree tear, it was, even nearly 6 months post birth agony. I started back at work full time at the same time, and was struggling coming to terms with that, being a full time mum, not being able to breastfed as I couldn't express at work, and juggling all those emotions. I felt like a vessel, or an object.
Not saying it was any way right, but I ended up sleeping with somebody else who made me feel amazing, sexy, beautiful, like the most valuable woman in the world- even when saying I wanted a divorce I told him everything and he's suggest an open marriage!

That Christmas, he told me in the run up I was not to be at his parents for Christmas Lunch. Relief to be honest, can't stick that dragon and didn't want to be there. Christmas Eve he suddenly tells me I am expected, I've been catered for, and despite the divorce I am still the mother of two of her grandchildren, so reluctantly, I went. I opened my jar of pickled onions and bar of Toblerone (yes really) and smiled. When we got back "home" I was told I wasn't welcome round his parents any more. "They all know what you've done" which I guess is sleeping with somebody else. I wonder how many know what HE did to me.

My whole relationship seems to have been what people call gaslighting these days. Together from 15, all kisses left my face wet so I hated it. My fault apparently for being a bad kisser and not having a long tongue (sick). Never being able to have an orgasm- all because there "must be" something wrong with me. Turns out...there's nothing wrong with me in the slightest, I just picked a total waste of space passenger of a collection of cells to share my life with.

It's easier for them to make your collective problems and his problems everyone elses. It takes some really manning up to be introspective and see your own ways. To me, his behaviour is denial and self preservation. Anybody who wants to judge you just one his side of the story isn't worth your time or headspace, and one day, one some level and maybe a bit now, it's hitting home to him what he's lost as his responsibility in that.

With your divorce, when filing your form E you can detail your mental state. It's supposed to be significant information that has hugely impacted your welfare- I put something along the lines of general moderate stress casued by the divorce. I didn't go in to being locked out or told I will give the kids autism by ruining the family as it's hard to prove and could be tit-for-tat. Any GP appointments, counselling, medication however include and I would be tempted to say he has excused your demands for a divorce blaming your mental state, which is emotionally very bullying on his part.

Screen shot all the photos and crap he is sending. If your icloud is being tapered with then save them somewhere else- forward them to your own Whatsapp account. I save all photos of the state of the house in a folder because one day I may need those. Inform your solicitor too, as what he is doing in harrassing, and if you don't already have a solicitor, when you have one, they can write a formal letter asking his behaviour to dessist. That tends to be a pretty adequate rocket up the arse.