Cohabitating when split

[justfindingmyway]

Hi all, just after some opinions and advice, might help keep me sane! Was due to be married to my ex who I own a house with. Long story short, I ignored many red flags (aggressive driving, verbal abuse, silent treatment, ruining social occasions, storming off, all that fun stuff) but eventually reached my tipping point and called off the wedding. Both expensive and highly embarrassing, but hopefully the better outcome. Anyway, whilst I am waiting for him to buy me out of the house, I’m still in it, partly because I don’t want to find myself in a situation where he’s enjoying living here whilst I pay the mortgage, and also because I need to sort my own living circumstances.

Anyway, I have been in a ‘limbo’ stage for a while; kind of knowing it’s over but also clinging to the future I thought I could have (marriage and kids) and hoping he would change, whilst also knowing he never would. I had the final straw with him last week. The night before I had a business trip, which he knew was taking place, he kicked off. I know he’s so hurt as a result of me calling off the wedding, he has told me time again that one day I will realise ‘what I’ve done’. I do not know how many times he has said that since I called it off, but never once does he take accountability for what he’s done, which I feel was probably emotional abuse. This time he told me I’m on my own planet, I’ve no empathy, I destroyed his life and that I am cold. This does permeate and it gets to me; I question myself often after what he says.

I had a 5am wake up the next day, and I was reeling from the encounter. It wasn’t a new occurrence by any stretch, but I just felt something snap. I sat there in total silence, and he just got angrier. Told me he was going to smash up the house.

i decided this was it. I haven’t spoken to him since either in person or via phone. It’s gut wrenching this all happened, but I know I can’t live like this.

But now, we live together and we do not acknowledge each others existence, which has been going on now for five days.

i usually cave because I really hate and struggle with the animosity and eggshells. I’m after advice, how would you all handle this please? I haven’t caved, but this doesn’t feel like ‘me’ to act in this way. I just want him to know I don’t accept this anymore, so do I carry on ignoring him back?

I realise this sounds juvenile. I am embarrassed I got myself into this situation. I’m 34 now and I have learnt so much about what I must never accept again. I’d love some advice, and hope that this gets better. And that not all men are like this!! Feeling a little bitter.

thanks all

its tough i lived with my husband 9 months when we were over till.the house was sold...seperate rooms, shelves on fridge barely spoke..divided bank account
..

its tough but you will get.there and its better...

Thank you xx this is all new to me. I guess I have been pretty blindsided and juvenile about just how ‘bad’ someone can be in a separation. I kind of feel like a breakup shows you who the person really is? Although maybe that isn’t fair, because the saying is ‘hurt people, hurt people’. It’s so sad and I’ve been through such a lot, but somewhere in me is grateful that I called this off. Isn’t your husband meant to be someone who is there through thick and thin. Not kicking you when you’re down?

its not easy, but if your determined its what you want, be strong for you amd think of your new future....its all good in.the end x

He's not on your side any more, you need to stop expecting him to be more reasonable in the break up than he was in the relatiionship, and if anything much much worse.

Just keep your head down and get the days ticked off, while moving things forward in every way possible towards getting out of there. If you have an inkling that you're not safe physically, don't ignore it.

Thank you. It is gut wrenching but I don’t think I have a choice. I feel that I’m on eggshells whenever something inconveniences him (if he loses something, has a bad day, doesn’t want to do something). He’s also called me ‘scum’ for calling off the wedding. I did try to ask him to postpone so we could work on our issues, and he gave me an ultimatum. What’s so hard with emotional discomfort in a relationship, is I’m finding I doubt myself and wonder ‘is he really that bad’? But so many what should’ve been good experiences over the years have all been tarnished because he’s stormed off or kicked off about something. I just got really scared as he also was pressuring me to have kids with him straight after marriage. For a person who gets so angry if something spills or falls out of a cupboard, I don’t see how it would be a happy future x

mmmm deffo unfair on you
you dont call someone you live scum !!

my perception is off right now. I know that isn’t good at all, but I also hear of far worse men. I just hope they aren’t mostly like this

Giving this a little boost to see if anyone has any pearls of wisdom / hope!! X

It doesnt sound like it will stay safe. What has your solicitor said about time scales?

You're not being juvenile at all. He's being unfair and emotionally abusive.

I've been co-habiting for 2 years, 1 month. I sleep in the fourth room which is my home office. I had 6 months on an inflatable air bed, then "upgraded" to a sofa bed (far worse!). I am now on a single mattress on the sofa bed base.

I only do mine and kids' laundry. We have separate shelves in the fridge with our names on our food. I clean my room and the kids and make a little effort in the bathroom. I tidy the kitchen after I have used it otherwise I do zero housework. He's never lifted a finger and I am sick of tidying up after him. Either he learns or he will lose the kids.

I'm happy that you've escaped marriage to him- as weird as this may sound. I have always struggled with the fact you can married on a lunch break, but when it comes to divorcing, while 25 months is a long time, unless he's beating you or sexually assaulting you, you pretty much just have to wait it out. From what you've said, he's not the sort of person you want to be with or have kids with. Your hopes or marriage and children- they're all still there, just wait and have them with the right person and somebody who values you. Your dreams haven't ended, you're just changing track. See the reg flag, and bloody go.

Thank you for this. I really needed this today. Life can be pretty bloody cruel and I need to develop thicker skin somehow, and find some bloody self worth. I try everything and haven’t located it yet. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something similar, my ex too, never lifted a finger, and now I’ve stopped, every room in the house bar where I sleep is an embarrassing mess! I don’t even think he’s cleaned the loo. Despite me being his live in maid, he never respected who I was. I must admit, I’m finding it hard not to trust men. Then I had another old acquaintance come into my life, telling me he likes me for me and that he’ll wait until I’m ready, to change his mind when I suggested meeting up. I know I ought not to pin it on anyone else. It’s just my self esteem is so terribly low right now x

What you're feeling is totally understandable. I've always had male friends, and was surprised when I said I would be separating how many of those friends tried to step in as the next thing. At first it was a confidence boost, but I've since become really wary of their friendship. I'm very conscious that going through this process I'm emotionally vulnerable, and what I see isn't necessarily what is going on.

To be honest, sometimes diverting your attention from all the negativity that's going on and just having some fun is really not a bad thing but maybe go in to it with that mindset until you've settled stuff at home. Not all men are bad, but if you approach it like they are, I reckon the good ones will stick around.

Thank you. It might just be how I’m feeling now, but I feel so little self worth being single. I try hard to look after myself, exercise, somehow keep a good job afloat despite being at my lowest, and it still doesn’t feel like it’s ‘enough’ to meet a good guy, you know? I also worry that once you get past a certain age, the ‘good ones’ are taken. I know I need to find happiness alone, but honestly, I’m in a hole right now that therapy and medication is just about stopping me from falling x

It really does get better. I'm 38 with a 4 and 8 year old and could have gone 4 years ago TBH. I kept asking myself whether it was THAT bad to make the jump and I didn't think it was so I stayed and we had our second child. Of course things got worse. I had many nights crying and wondering whether I stick it out for them and whether I can keep going.
I used to think who would want somebody the wrong side of 30 with two kids, and I wrestled with that for a bit and then one day I thought to myself I don't care anymore. I started to see the good in me and thought there will be somebody there for me, and if there isn't, I started thinking that being with the kids would be enough. I'd rather not be with him than be with him and be his constant doormat, maid, chef, bank, project manager etc.

I tried journaling and find it really helpful when my anxiety is beating me. Try wherever you can to be kind to yourself. You've made a big step and it's a hard one, but it gets easier and your future self will thank you x

Thank you so much for your kind words. And I have total admiration for people who manage to leave a bad situation both for themselves and for the sake of their children. I guess when you have children, it’s a blessing in that you find joy in them and have to keep going for their sakes, but also must be so hard when you need to break down and you can’t.

i am trying to have faith that there are good men out there and that one is waiting for you xxx

@justfindingmyway

Hello OP, it's 5 month after you posted your thread, I just wondered if things have improved for you?

Thank you so much for checking in. That’s really kind of you. Honestly, life is so much better. I left eventually for the sake of my own health, and sanity! But it was, in hindsight, the best thing I’ve ever done. He remains living in the house and unfortunately is making finances difficult, but everything is so much clearer now. This was such a dark time in my life, and the support from MN users was so incredibly helpful, and validating. I have learnt some valuable lessons and I’m glad I’ve learnt them whilst I’m still fairly young. I hope anyone going through an abusive relationship can take some hope from my belief now that life can be bright on the other side. I dare say, brighter than before, even if some things about the relationship I’ll never understand. Thank you again x

@justfindingmyway
Thankyou for update, and well done for moving on, I hope things improve for you, I feel sure you have helped others with your thread.

Thanks very much for your kind words of support 🫶🏻 I hope to share wisdom from the pain I experienced, and want to continue seeing beauty in the world and people, but it has been a tough ride and still it continues with my housing situation. But, I am safe, and live in peace. Now just the financial side of things to sort.