Separating from controlling husband

[Loubee2000]

Hi everyone does anyone have any advice…. I’ve plucked up the courage after 20 years to leave my partner. Kids are 14 and 12. Husband earns significantly more than me and will be able to keep our house and get away with giving me as little as possible. Because he can keep the home my kids who are both neurodiverse and hate change want to stay put. I’m devastated beyond belief I can’t lose my kids. He’s been financially and emotionally controlling for many years and verbally incredibly unkind. He can be horrible to the kids but is now being the perfect dad. I don’t know where to turn or where to go. We went to counselling and she told him how he behaved was abuse but he’s not seeing it obviously. What rights do I have to stay in the home and stay with my kids? I can live with losing the house but if my kids want to stay in our FH I don’t know what to do

hss anyone been through something similar and has any advice? At the moment I’m sleeping on the sofa he won’t even move out the bed. His parents have a huge house half a mile away he could stay in but he won’t leave.

The house is a marital asset
as is pensions and anything else

it will all need splitting and you’ll get your fair share

With pensions and house equity and a new mortgage each will there be enough for you each to buy a 3 bed home?

You don't move out and you don't agree that he keeps the current home.

You’ll need to start divorce process
he doesn’t have to leave and any solicitor will advise him not to

do you know what assets there are? Do you have any understanding of that? If you’re the lower earner and have nd children you’re in the stronger position to argue for higher share on a needs basis

If you live in England, you’re married and have been in a long marriage the starting point with divorce is 50-50 of all assets. The care and needs of any children of the marriage is paramount. The matrimonial home is an asset regardless of who paid for it. I know this from experience having paid for over 90% of the house I lived in. Please seek advice from a solicitor before doing anything.

Best advice I can give you is however your husband is now, do not expect him to be any different when going through the divorce process, and don’t believe anything he tells you as fact. Also keep in your head that you will get through it, and will be free of his behaviour and it will be worth it.

I'm currently supporting a friend through her divorce from a full-blown narcissist; the control is off the scale (no children).

In the beginning he went along with the idea of couples counselling (in retrospect, purely to play her along a but further), but after a few sessions the counsellor contacted her privately and said there was not point in continuing because it was obvious he wasn't fully engaged and would never change. His ability to control her was helped by the fact he's a very high earner and took control of all the finances, such that she had no idea how much money he/they actually had. She won't be making that mistake again.

If your partner (partner, or are you married?) is anything like my friend's husband, the legal route is the only way to go, if you can afford it. It took my friend two years to pluck up the courage to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling, but now that she has, she's regained her sense of self and become much more confident in dealing with him. It helps that she effectively "interviewed" a few solicitors before choosing the one she felt would see through his antics and drag him by his ears through the process.

I’m in a similar position myself in which I have also finally plucked up the courage to leave my controlling husband. Both my children are also neurodiverse (autistic) and i do worry that my oldest will want to remain in the family home with ex as he hates change. My youngest will be unaware and unable to understand fully.

I can’t advise about legal matters but with regards to change from a neurodiverse point of view I plan on reassuring my oldest that the family home will always be his home (unless ex moves) and that he will be staying with Mammy part of the time and that I hope that eventually he will be happy and comfortable in his new (second) home. We are likely to be doing 50/50 but the children will definitely be with me more than 50% of the time due to ex’s shifts.

I plan to tread very carefully with my 13 year old and introduce the idea slowly. I plan on creating a lovely, cosy room for him and I’m purchasing special items to make him feel at home, I’ll buy him new Pajamas, new slippers and small treats to ease him into his new surroundings. All the while reassuring that this is Mammy’s home and that he’s staying over. Lots of his friends go between two houses and he’s quite matter of fact about divorce etc. I will let him lead and take it at his own pace. 13 is a difficult age as I do believe he should have a reasonably big say in where he spends most of his time.

Will you likely do 50/50? Does your ex work? Do you work?

My husband sounds very similar to yours and I do worry about how he will behave once the wheels are in motion.

His parents are wealthy so will likely give him enough to buy me out of the marital home but that doesn’t help me because my kids want to stay there and I want to stay with my kids. I know court will say 50/50 custody I guess. He wants to give me 50% of the profit that’s in the house and nothing else (he sees that as fair) he said if kids want to stay with him (they just want to stay in MH not with him) he can look after them just as well yet he doesn’t cook and can’t use the washing machine. He argues like a baby with the kids, but all of a sudden he’s Mr Perfect. I would never be able to afford a 3 bed house with the profits as he’s always been the main earner. I spent the past 13 years bringing up the kids and working part time. He earns 4x more than I do has his own business and pension etc.

I would be ok with 50/50 custody as I know in a few months they’d be with me most of the time anyway once ex goes back to his normal ways but they don’t want to leave the MH which inevitably ex will have as I can’t afford the mortgage.

ex is completely love bombing them and being kinder to them than he’s been in their whole lifetime

It's not up to him what you get, you can't ignore pensions or what the DC need.

5050 of the profit? No no no...50% of the entire equity. What is the equity on the house? Do you know?

Firstly stop accepting what he says as fact. 50% of all assets are yours. So his pension, his savings amd your home.

Re the family home. Can you refuse to be bought out and insist on the FH being sold? Are you both on the mortgage?

I would start doing 5050 now in your own house. Does he want alternative weeks? On his weeks you do nothing. How are his clothes clean if he can't work the washing machine? Stop doing things for him. Is their any space in the house you can carve you as your own?

Don't move out. Don't give in. Get a lawyer and read up to get fully informed.

Agree with others

You have to stop taking what your ex says as fact. Get some (pay for) independent advice from a solicitor, take as much financial information as you can find with you.

Don't move out.

Look at the top of this page for the link to 'Advice Now". It tells you all about divorce and gives some scenarios of what people might be awarded in different situations. If your earnings are significantly less than his, you might be awarded MORE than 50% of the value of the house, to account for the fact that your potential future earnings will be less than his and you will need more money to buy a house. And that is the value of the whole house, not just the profit on it.
It sounds like he is really trying to frighten you and browbeat you into thinking you are only entitled to a pittance, when the reality is you should be entitled to at least 50% of all your marital assets. His pension and your pension, if he has much more than you, then you will likely be entitled to some of his pension on top of yours. The value of the house, half of any savings, no matter if they are in his sole name.
Try and get some legal advice and get a solicitor who can advocate for you, so you know what the real position is, rather than what your soon to be ex husband is trying to get away with telling you.
And please know, that you don't have to creep around the marital home like some unwanted lodger. It is half yours, whoever paid for most of it. You might have to put up with sleeping on the sofa I suppose, but that sofa is half yours anyway!
And if your soon to be ex tells you that you can start paying half the mortgage etc as you want the split, which would leave you with about ten pence a month to survive on, don't agree to this either. Please do read the "Advice Now" and get some face to face advice from a solicitor.

His business is a marital asset too you know. He will need to buy you out of that too.

If you know anything about all the combined assets. So value of house equity, his pension, your pension, savings, investments, value of the business. You will likely get minimum 50% and probably more. If the therapist thought he was abusive then there is no point in mediation. Let it go to court. A judge wont let you take a split so grossly unfair to you especially if you are going to be taking on the bulk of care for special needs children.

If you can, try to get any paperwork for his pension, business, savings and income for evidence later.

When my parents divorced my mum was given. Then whole of the marital house plus her pension from the business (she hasn't worked there) plus several hundred k from the value of the business with some condition in place that she would get that within a certain timeframe. Dad ended up selling the business partially to have a clean break from her.

Also don't forget that your children are old enough to have a say in where they live. Are they likely to be convinced and bribed to favour your ex or would they see through it and want to be with you regardless.