Ex mil causing problems

[Quirkykitty]

Hey,
need help?

my ex is useless, barely helps take care of kids and lives with his parents who he allows to dictate the brunt of the childcare/raising. However, all claim that he is a loving dad and does everything for kids.

my main problem is with his mum. My ex refuses to coparent with me. If he joes coparent, I know it’s at his mums decision and he hasn’t thought of it himself. After all, he is 45 and spends his spare time playing video games or on a computer. His mum however, loves to co parent telling me what she needs for my children or dictating what the plans are for my children when they are in my care.

what annoys me is that I live in a house that doesn’t meets our needs. We need an extra bedroom. I cannot afford to keep the house so I’m looking to move (from mortgage to council housing and this will mean living around 15minutes away from where we currently are). My children are all ok with this and they recognise that it won’t happen overnight. We have spoken about the reasons why. They are excited about this. We would be possibly moving to my home town. My ex mil has berated me about this and made comments about how my home town isn’t good enough and that my children shouldn’t be living there. I have explained why I will need to move. Financial reasons and she comments that’s not true and I can rent in the area currently. I showed her the prices of rentals and she said well do the loft up. Again I explained I can’t afford to keep the mortgage so I can’t afford to do a loft up. Which she responded with, my son doesn’t want to sell the home. I need help because I’m getting all sorts of abuse. Also I’m getting legal aid? Do I have to sell home if I can’t afford to keep mortgage and get divorced??

Why are you having contact with her? Don't speak to her. If anything needs to be communicated text your ex not her. Keep it factual and calm. Don't discuss your housing other than to tell them when you're moving.

It's nothing to do with her. You are their parent, your ex (useless as he may be) us their parent, she is not. You do what's best for your children not what's best for her.

Unfortunately, she is the one contacting me and may on occasion drop my children off. I’m thinking of documenting all this as I’m not actually coparent in with him.

I have said that to her face. She don’t like it very much!! Oops.

Switch to a court approved parenting app with your ex and only communicate through that.

Ignore everything that isn't about pick up drop off etc or be PA with the thumbs up emoji.

Block them on everything else.

Tell her nothing.

How old are the DC?

Just don't reply to her
Don't jade yourself (justify argue defend or explain)

If you can’t afford the mortgage ultimately the house needs to be sold

but you need to reach a fair settlement in a divorce to ensure the right outcome

is there dv involved here ?

ultimately you can tell mil to butt out then have no contact with her

Unfortunately my ex won’t agree to that. I’m trying to get divorced but with legal aid not being granted for contact. I need to sell home which is another problem and then do a contact order.

Not physical dv but it would account for mental/emotional. I have asked that only he communicates with me but he lives with his parents, and I suspect is too scared to ask his mum to stay out in case he ends up with no support and then asked to leave.

You tell the ex MIL that going forward you will only communicate with your child’s parent - not grandparent. End of. Let her moan.

You have more control in this than you realise.

The thing about toxic people is they break the social contract but they enforce it rigidly for others. Other people are supposed to behave absolutely perfectly while they can just do what they want. But you don’t have to go along with it. They cross over boundaries, they are demanding, they are intrusive, they are rude, they are controlling of others, they are aggressive. The only answer to them is to not obey the social contract with them. If are asks you a question you don’t want to answer then don’t answer, you can be polite by using deflection to change the subject or humour or whatever but do not respond to their questions try to come up with a way where you can respond in a way that makes you happy not her.

Someone else put the classic system for toxic people don’t justify argue defend or explain anything to them.

Stop contacting her.. Make alternative arrangements for your dc if he won't step up. Use childcare facilities and claim UC and you wil get some % back... You can't make him be a df but having her as a third parent will see your mh shot... 15 mins away isn't far enough imo.

He doesn't have to agree to using an app you just tell him you won't be using anything else.

Email for the divorce/house selling, App for court contact. Block the ex MIL on everything and him on phone.

Tell him you will only be dealing with him or his solicitor no one else.

Just ignore the grandmother.

If she drops off then, fine, she drops the kids, stays in the car, exchange pleasantries if required, and send her on her way.

Ignore her questions/demands/messages that don't directly relate to logistics of the children when she's collecting/dropping off.

Delete non-logistic messages immediately! Then there's no temptation to reply.

Block her if necessary,and tell the father he has to message with the details.

She's doing it because you are allowing her to.
There's some good advice from pp's, take it.
Use the app.
Block mil.
If she tries to insert herself, "I'll discuss the dc with exh" rinse and repeat.
Don't get into it with her at all, shut her down every time, shut the door on her if she starts at drop off.
What's she going to do, shout and bawl at you, again, shut the door on her.
She's not in charge of you.
Continue with your plan to move and don't discuss it with exh until it's all a done deal.
See your solicitor and discuss the divorce and house sale, exh has two choices, he buys you out or you sell, no-one can force you to live in a house and pay a mortgage that you can't afford, the courts can order the sale of the house if exh doesn't agree.
Stand up for yourself or she's going to walk all over you and this will be your life until the dc are old enough to arrange visits themselves.