Processing neglect and passive anger from a 'nice guy'

[Sofabodatgym]

It's taking me a few years to process the neglect in my ex-relationship. As it's harder to see. And with occasional bread crumbing, making it hard to notice too.
Just wondering if anyone else is processing stuff like this too?
He was so moody, and often withdrawn never explaining why. Often for days/weeks. Though of course always 'on' in public, very charismatic. In public, he was happy for others to ignore me (or for his family to be openly rude), he'd always claim that there was nothing he could do. But because he has an interesting job and a desire for the limelight, I think years of me just stood by his side, him expecting me to be silent, often being interrupted by others mid-sentence if I spoke has taken it's toll on my self-esteem. After a few years single, I am starting to really be aware of how much being in the relationship silenced me, and to get my confidence back.
And whenever I've been upset by anything over the years, he always belittled it and often gaslit me into thinking I was being hysterical, maybe I was sometimes. But if you're never believed or empathised with.... At best, he'd stare blankly at me. I guess internally waiting for me to stop talking so he could get on with his phone/tv
And because he was so rarely ever openly angry. And it was all so subtle and passive. And because everyone around us, would always stress what 'a nice guy' he was, and it was intimated that I was the 'difficult' one, I was more blunt, not really charismatic. There was never any space or time to say, well actually ..... I guess I'm trying to say, it's hard to see - when it's passive abuse or neglect. I obv played my part in this. But I have empathy with anyone going through it. It can take a while to deconstruct

I am dealing with a situation quite like this, an ex that was always nice, always charming and pleasant and never really let that 'mask' slip, even at home. But at the same time it felt at times that there was a lot more going on that wasn't being expressed. I also felt in public that everyone gravitated to him and found him to be lovely and nice and that I was seen as more prickly and aloof and difficult (when really I'm none of those things). He also didn't make sure that I was welcomed by his family and though one older member of his family obviously disliked me and was on occasion extremely rude to me, he never stuck up for me or made me feel truly like his wife (even after nearly 20 years together). My self esteem also feels quite flattened by it.

Like yours, mine also ignored me and neglected me a lot at home, was always working and busy and distracted. Towards the end, if he talked to me he would stand at the doorway to a room with literally one leg out the door to end the conversation as quickly as possible. He didn't silence me in public in the way that yours did, but my family have all commented that when we were together my voice sounded quiet and hesitant and constricted, where now it has returned to confident and normal. They definitely think that there was an aspect of emotional neglect and even abuse, as you say, and that it damaged me and diminished my personality and presence. I find that much harder to see or say but a lot of what you say describes my marriage quite closely and I also have very confused feelings about it. I feel that I am constantly trying to understand whether he was the nice guy that everyone else believed or the neglectful and emotionally damaging force that my family believe. And I get very little from him to validate either, except a very few breadcrumbs as you say. It's very hard to unpack.

I went on a course that my local Women's Aid run. It was really helpful, and eye opening. There were some aspects of my marriage that I hadn't realised were abusive. Turns out, it was pretty much a complete shit show of abusive behaviour.

Talking through stuff with other women, learning to recognise abuse, how to deal with the aftermath etc was really healing for me.

Please seek help from the professionals, they can help you deal with the past and give you tools to stop you making the same mistakes again.

Were you married to my exH?!

I was a confident bolshy person, by the end of my marriage I literally did look in the mirror and not recognise myself.

Years of healing.

Thanks! Really interesting to read responses, also I'm feeling less alone. It is hard to unpack. @forcemultiplied My relationship was also over 20 years, oh to have left earlier... The standing in doorway sounds just like mine, with one leg out the door. Your family sound supportive, noticing your voice change. I'm glad it's got back to normal. My dm still hasn't forgiven me for leaving even though I've said it was a toxic relationship and he was different behind closed doors.
I don't have the shorthand of say - 'an affair' and I stress I'm not minimising the pain caused of an affair. But because in general - I don't say anything, it's assumed that I'm at fault because he's such a 'nice guy'. Some people/other parents have given me the silent treatment.
But the unpacking. And the trying to understand his different 'faces'. When we initially split, he got very charming with me, for the first time in years. I presume to lure me back. Which hasn't helped me in understanding it and processing it. I want to avoid so-called charming men at all costs.