Court order to change care days - help please!

[OfTheNight]

Apologies if I’ve used the wrong terminology.

Has anyone had to go through court following their ex filing a C100 about how the days of contact with your child are arranged?

There is a LONG backstory to this, which I won’t make anyone sit through. We have 50/50 currently. It’s worked for the last 6 years. DS is happy. We could be reasonably amicable and offer flexibility. Current pattern means DS only spends a max of 2 nights away from either of us. It can occasionally be a faff but DS likes it.

ExH wants things to change because he has a girlfriend. He’s said to keep things 50/50 but to change to a week on a week off so he can see girlfriend regularly/go away etc. But he's also made veiled threats about trying to reduce my care. I know this is highly unlikely.

I know DS doesn’t want a week on a week off. He’s 11 and I know this may change in future, which is fine. I just want Ds to be happy. I don’t mind shuffling days around if ExH wants, for example, weekends to go away or even swap occasional full weeks if they have a holiday booked.

Has anyone been to court over this sort of thing? I’m really worried about the whole thing. How much will it involve DS? Is there a way I can prepare him so he doesn’t worry?
Is this going to cost a lot of money? I’m desperately saving for a house deposit. Could I lose time with my son?

I don’t think you will lose time but 2 days on is really disruptive & although it’s worked for 6 years I can see why your ex wants to change it.

Perhaps suggest a different pattern that’s not such a big change?

My friend does

Parent 1 - M & T
Parent 2 - W & T

Then they alternate F/S/S

I don’t think ex is unreasonable
why doesn’t your sonecwant week on /off. He might actually find it less disruptive. Has he tried it at all?
could you rest 4 on/off or something as a start?
at 11 I think a week on off is much better ( in my personal opinion)

I don’t think this is something that should need court - you should be able to come to agreement between you,

Who wants to take it to court? Agree that this should absolutely be kept out of court if possible. At the least you could try mediation. I don't agree with changing something that works for the sake of a new relationship but I do think as DS is now 11 and can very easily manage longer periods away from each of you that considering longer times on and off would be sensible. 4 on 4 off seems like a good compromise? 2 one 2 off is quite restrictive.

Your son's views should be taken into account in any process, but they will be weighed in the mix.

I think you should take legal advice and try to appear reasonable. Ultimately if the court mandates a change to the pattern, your DS will be disappointed but it will hopefully be manageable emotionally. Your DS will get to vote with his feet soon enough.

You can't control your ex and you also can't control how happy your son feels about decisions your ex makes, you can only support your DS to deal with things.

Thanks so much. I should have said DS has higher functioning autism and he’s mega routine focused. He’s facing some upheaval with starting secondary next Sept and SATs etc. Any change to routine makes him anxious. I’m not saying he wouldn’t adapt and I’m probably over protective, but seeing him stressed and upset breaks me tbh.

I have zero issue, personally, with whatever 50/50 works best and I can see that week on/week off would have its benefits. I think my fear is DS getting upset and in truth, my ex was emotionally cruel/coercive and occasionally physical with me. He’s never hurt DS. But I’’m frightened that trying to take DS away is his new form of punishing me. I know that’s totally irrational. I think I’m just scared.

It’s him that wants it to go to court. I’m happy to discuss it. He’s saying I can’t be trusted to discuss it. I’ve suggested mediation but we did try that once before for something else and it didn’t work so he isn’t interested.

I’ve probably totally messed up by not giving the backstory. I’ve tried to go along with things he wants. So when we split he didn’t have a car so he insisted he used mine at weekends, which I just rolled over and agreed to. He insisted I pay for all the child care (I earn more), I just agreed. We did have a financial dispute about some money my dad left me when he died, that was the original mediation issue. The week on week off thing is the only other thing I’ve not agreed to straight away because of DS’s feelings about it.

I've got 2 friends who did that pattern as well. It really worked. It meant they had every 2nd weekend childfree so when they were dating and had new partners they had plenty scope for meeting people, socialising & breaks away.

He won't be allowed to go to court without going to mediation first

Thanks everyone. I really like the idea of a rotation at the weekend and I could see that as being something we can ‘sell’ to DS. But he said he’ll only accept week on week off or he’ll be pushing for more % of custody.

He's just throwing his weight around and making empty threats. There is no reason whatsoever that he would get additional time especially as his main motivation for wanting to change is being able to see his girlfriend! As I said anyway he won't be able to apply to court without going to mediation first. As you're being reasonable and accommodating if he can't agree something workable with you in mediation and insists on going to court any judge would be extremely unimpressed.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. That’s really reassuring. I know he likes to do this, he had threatened before when I wouldn’t give him the money my dad left me. I think I’m just still intimidated by him. He’s very good at winning people over and I’m scared he’ll managed to persuade the judge to take DS off me or reduce my time with him. He knows that’s my biggest fear.