3 months in to separation and I feel like I'm a hostage

[GlassHalfFull10]

Advice on next steps would be very welcome.

Told Stbex three months ago that the marriage was over. He has been very up and down since, mostly down (understandable, I do feel for him). Since then has taken no responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship and everything is 100% on me for 'not trying'. I can honestly say I tried for 2-3 years to get the love back but he's not been a great husband tbh, but that's another thread.

He is saying that he has no option but to move overseas, particularly to where his family are from and where he can get a job. He obviously does have other options but he's hellbent on this idea apparently. He doesn't want two seperate houses, to get another mortgage, probably face the shame of it all in our village.

The issue is, that while I'm waiting for him to 'sort it out with his contacts', I am living in total and utter limbo with nothing moving on. He won't agree to a mediator, moving on with the divorce, telling our children, telling friends. I can't have anyone in the house really as it's so bloody miserable, I can't plan future things like trips, stuff with the kids, I don't even think, in reality, he will go.

I think this a stalling thing but should I give him more time, is three months not that long? It's just not healthy for anyone, I need to move on with my life...

What do you want to do now? Do all of those things rely on his cooperation and engagement?

Have you filled for divorce or looked into mediation options?

If you are unhappy living with him are you going to move out? Or do you expect him to do that?

Have you taken steps to separate your finances from his. You can do this even if living together.

At the end of the day this is something you want and you need to be proactive and accept he may not cooperate until he has to.

Whether he wants to move to New Zealand or down the street, the next steps are the same.

Are you in the UK? If you are in this country you don't need his consent to proceed with a divorce and he has no right to object as the law changed. Can you seek advice from.a solicitor and then instigate filing for divorce yourself.

He won't agree to a mediator, moving on with the divorce, telling our children, telling friends. I can't have anyone in the house really as it's so bloody miserable, I can't plan future things like trips, stuff with the kids, I don't even think, in reality, he will go.

I would simply go see a solicitor and file for divorce, if you haven't done already. I would inform him that I would be telling the children and everyone else this week that we were divorcing.

I'm not sure why you are not doing so. You don't need his agreement for any of these things. Just crack on with it, and eventually he will have to leave when the house/finances are divided.

Yes, I have made steps. I've had the house valued by three agents, been to see a mortgage advisor to see what I can afford on my salary etc. I have found a recommended mediator.

We need to agree on mediation so that I know what a fair split would be. Obviously he has to agree to go ahead. He's saying we can sort it out ourselves but I am worried to do that, he's financially extremely savvy. I just think he's stalling on it all.

My family are pushing me to go straight to lawyers as they know what he's like but I'm a bit scared of his reaction tbh. It's very tricky when we are in the house and the kids are around. He's a large and imposing presence of negativity and anger 60-70% of the time.

I can't move out and leave the children.

Thanks everyone. Maybe I am feeling stuck as he has been very controlling and 'in charge'. Great to get your opinions. I will book a solicitor tomorrow.

I agree with your family. See a solicitor. His permission to proceed is not required. If he refuses to proceed with mediation then the divorce will just continue as it is voluntary only. I would stop allowing him to dictate to you and just get on with filing.

See a solicitor as a first step. Also tell your children and friends/colleagues/whoever else needs to know. He doesn’t get to dictate that.
Then you need to agree which one of you will move out and a date. Even if it means you temporarily taking the children and moving in with family.
He doesn’t need to agree to mediation you can proceed without and go straight to court for separation of assets if needed

Just involve a solicitor to start proceedings.
Take it on your hands.
And tell your friends, family and your children.
He can tell to his side when he is ready.

Best luck, OP.

I had similar. I filed for divorce & found a mediator. Every step of the way I have had to contend with his anger & denial & had to just keep driving the process forward. Some days I have felt I couldn’t do things so would wait & gather strength for the next step. It’s been really hard. I also have been the one to find somewhere to move to because I knew he wouldn’t. It doesn’t come naturally to be assertive & decisive but I just had to keep pushing but the alternative was as you say, being held hostage & endlessly stalled. Good luck. You’ll get there.

I knew my xh would stall, he didn't want to separate at all, and he refused to leave - so I did! I found somewhere to rent, moved out, with the dc, about 4 weeks after telling him I wanted to separate. Just do it!

Oh wow. Thanks everyone and sorry that others have been through this. It really is horrendous. Especially as he's throwing 'your ruining all of our lives' at me.

I thought I'd have more answers saying that three months is nothing and give him time.

I will book solicitor tomorrow for next week and let him know at a good time. Eek.

You've given him more than enough time and been extremely patient witn him. No need to allow him to waste any more time. Instigate divorce proceedings yourself and take control back from him

Definitely don’t give him more time. There’s a 20 week wait built into the divorce process as it is so it takes ages.

You can file on line.

He's probably rearranging his finances.

You'll have to go through lawyers. He has no intention of leaving or being reasonable.

@GlassHalfFull10 good for you booking a solicitor and moving forward. It will take time and you must be patient as I can see him putting up barriers all the way. Stay strong and determined about the end goal.

Intrigued to know about the "shame" you will face in the village?

Thanks so much everyone. I really did need to hear all of this.

I'll still be in this situation in a year unless I do something.

You don't need his permission to tell people or to start the process. He is not the boss.

Get a one off consultation with a solicitor to find out your rights and what you might be entitled to. It gives you a starting point for mediation, and gives you the knowledge and power to hold your ground and not be taken for a mug.

Go online and start the divorce application, it's just under £600, but whoever starts it gets to control the process. That is invaluable towards the end as you can delay the absolute until the financials have been seen by a judge, this is very important!

You only need mediation for children and financials if you cannot agree between yourselves (this is why you need a one off solicitor chat first).

Good luck, and start taking charge of your own future

The link to apply is here OP. Take back your control. Do you have access to his financial accounts / shared accounts so he can't suddenly start emptying accounts and hiding assets. Get your ducks in a row. Get access to incoming assets / pensions / property and then get on with filing and seeing a solicitor for advice regarding the financial settlement.

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce#content

I was talking to someone in exactly the same situation recently and since she first started talking about how hard it was, she's made so much progress and is much happier.

She's now got a support worker (marriage was abusive) and talked to a solicitor about a non-molestation order. She's going to rent whilst the divorce is sorted out but is so much happier for having moved the process forward. She was very scared living with him without much progress and it had been a good few years.

He'd been telling her a load of guff too about how things would be split.

I would definitely be telling people, going out, doing stuff. You're not responsible for his mental health, he's had long enough.