Ex trying to change terms of divorce settlement

[RosieTheHat]

Hi All

Looking for some advice from all you wise Mumsnetter's.

I was married for 18 years, my ex is a high earner. We have two adult children, one of whom lives with me.
Although I worked full time until I became pregnant, I don't have a company pension (Back in the days when you could cash in a pension if you left the company). I returned to work part time/temp. contracts as I was supporting my ex with his career. He always told me not to worry about my lack of pension as he was earning enough to cover us both (I know - stupid).

Anyway, for my divorce settlement, I agreed not to touch his pension if I could have the family home. There is an outstanding mortgage which is due up in 7 years. It was agreed that he pays 80% of the monthly mortgage and I pay 20%. This is for the term of the mortgage unless there is a significant change in his financial circumstances. It is also my sole decision when to sell the house and he receives a percentage of any profit over an agreed figure.

Roll on six years. He is remarried with a young child and has moved abroad.
Him and his wife bought a large house which needed a lot of work. His wife is a SAHM, his son attends private international school and although he has a company car, he leases a BMW for his wife. I know all of this is none of my business, but is relevant.
He contacted me a couple of weeks ago and asked when I was thinking of selling the house. Turns out he has had a few large 'Tax Bills' and money is tight. I told him I had no intention of selling at the moment as the house is effectively my pension. He then asked me to change the mortgage to an interest only option so that the monthly payments would reduce.

For context, I am ND and a bit of a people pleaser. My daughter is telling me to ignore him completely and my friend says I should tell him I have to seek legal advice. I am avoiding his messages at the moment, but he is asking me for a chat to sort things out. I am worried he just stops paying his part of the mortgage.

Tell him to speak to your solicitor and the answer is no.

Did you have a financial order approved by a court to set out the terms of your agreement.
If you did then he has to comply with it.

If you didn't then you are in a precarious position and you need to get legal advice asap

I think you need to see a solicitor. However, just a thought - is there any mileage in doing a deal of some sort to reduce his mortgage payments in return for reducing or scrapping his share of the profit over the agreed figure? If he’s in a financial spot there could be a deal to be done that benefits you in the longer term.

Yes, I have the order approved by court. I am just concerned if he stops paying as he is no longer in UK.

Which country is he in?

@RaspberryBeretxx I had thought of this, but this issue is I would probably have to remortgage to do this and I just don't have the spare cash to do so.

@izzygirlis4 Spain

Op - this is not really an AIBU - I'd ask to move it to Divorce/Separation section.

I think a lot depends on the circumstances. Does he have any assets in the UK (where I presume you are?). How hard would it be for your agreement to be enforced in the country where he moved to? How long ago did you divorce?

In your place - I'd get a legal opinion. Maybe his situation can be considered "changed circumstances" - and he can file for variation of the financial arrangements. But maybe that also means that you can then also ask for variation and ask for a share of his pension - the part which was accrued during marriage.

For now - I'd tell him you will get back to him after discussing with your solicitor.

Why do you need spare cash to remortgage? Given you've got a fair amount of equity, you could buy him out and just run a longer mortgage to keep the payments low. This would cut ties nicely for you.
If he can't afford to pay it, no matter how unfair that seems, this will have some repercussions for you. If he's paying 80pc and misses a few payments this will cause you problems. So whilst it may piss you off to see him with his fancy car etc you are going to have to have a conversation with him about it. I'd draw up what works for you in advance and then present this to him. He may well trade final equity for short term relief.

@Sashya Thank you - how do I get it moved?

OP you need specialist legal advice about this. The situation is complicated by the fact he is outside the UK. Don’t get into negotiations with him until you know where you stand.

It might be worth crunching some numbers to see if it would be worth a small downsize now to reduce/pay off the mortgage, release him from paying it and agree he won't take any profit later. You take full ownership of the new slightly smaller house. It depends on the figures of course.

But definitely definitely see a solicitor as those are just my thoughts on what I might do. I don't like the idea of the future profit amount hanging over your head!

Hit the report button on your original post and ask MN to move it in the comments box.

There is a reason why clean breaks are preferred goals for a divorce. By maintaining a financial tie to your ex you are dependent on his financial circumstances. These have changed and that is a trigger to reevaluate and renegotiate with the distinct possibility that you will end up back in court. You have stated that any change in his circumstances trigger a need to change the agreement. That is what is happening.

As long as you are financially tied to him this is going to be risk and problem in your life. Even if he backs off this time there will be another time.

Time to end the ties and buy him out or sell up and split the equity. Always take cash now in lieu of future payments. If he needs money quick you have a strong negotiating position.