Wanting other perspectives to give me confidence

[Imgoingtoaskthequestion]

I broke up with a partner I’d been with for over 10 years and with whom I have a pre-school age child, around a month ago.

The pressure was building prior to this until it finally happened. He had been getting increasingly negative and controlling to me: telling me when I couldn’t speak, overly critical of the things I did, complaining when I didn’t make the food correctly or make him lunch of the right sort, generally bossing me around and being domineering. He even did this in public and people noticed and sometimes asked me if I was OK. Over the years friends noticed and sometimes tried to get me to leave him but I didn’t. For some reason I felt stronger now after feeling like my heart was breaking each time he was heartless towards me. He would even hit me but not very hard, just to reinforce that he didn’t like what I was doing.

Then I got a pay rise at work and met someone whose eyes I got lost in. I developed strong feelings even though I barely know them. The combination of these made me break up with the partner. I know nothing is likely to happen with Mr eyes but it was a catalyst and I’m thankful for that at least.

Leaving aside finances for now (I didn’t want to make decisions about love based on finance, but I’ve checked and I’ll be fine) I want to know whether other people think I’ve made the right choice?

Just in case you are wondering, I did ask him to be nicer to me over the years but he didn’t listen. He often made me cry with his angry outbursts. Once he got therapy but the positive from that didn’t last long. I’d reminded him enough times that the way he spoke to me or was with me made me sad. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to him but it was. He desperately wants me back and keeps trying.

OP, this man is horribly abusive. Of course you've made the right decision. And bloody well done for getting yourself out!

You were in a highly abusive relationship where he physically assaulted you. Absolutely massive congratulations from me for getting free from him. Do not go back because once you do he will hit you harder and more often.

You have completely done the right thing. Mr Eyes is irrelevant…affairs (not that this was) don’t cause relationships to end, the relationship had already ended in all but name so you were attracted to something different.

Yes you have done the right thing!

Don't look back.

Thank you for your messages. This obviously wasn’t the only side to him and he seemed normal a lot of the time but to me he seemed to make an exception and I lost my status as a real person that he needed to respect.

I find it very strange looking back thinking how long I lived like this under a grey cloud.

I wonder whether he will ever do what he did to anyone else. My mum told me he was unnecessarily rude to her once. I’ve seen him being very rude to his mum numerous times.

In the places where he has to “behave” everyone seems to love him. He’s doing very well in his career (thanks to my help over the years). I get the impression that those people will never find out what he was like.

Well done for getting out of this relationship and feeling your strength! Keep hold of it now because you did the right thing. You know that already, but being an abusive person, he is making you doubt yourself. Don’t go back, and tell him to leave you the fuck alone.

He exploits my weakness which is a fear of being alone. However being with him made me sad and the idea of freedom and chaos makes me happy. I still am a little bit afraid of being alone, and he knows that.

I am enjoying not being his wife servant. It’s nice to be able to eat whatever I want and not have to make some kind of trad wife effort. It’s ridiculous now I think about it. Why did I put up with this for so long?

I’m still in a state of confusion. But I am definitely free and I even had a dream that we got back together and I woke up saying “no no no no!”

But I am definitely free and I even had a dream that we got back together and I woke up saying “no no no no!”
Keep reminding yourself of this every single day. Enjoy the little things in life.

He exploits my weakness which is a fear of being alone.
You need to define exactly what you mean by alone and why you fear it, and then start work on changing it. Do you mean lonely, or without friends, or no sex, or someone to care for, or wanting to fill your time so you have a busy mind? Face that fear so no man will ever trap you again. If you face it you will have choices and freedom and happiness. You might need a counsellor to help you on that journey but I think it's one you should take

Hi @AutumnFroglets my fear of being alone is a carnal one, without sex. I’m quite shy and particular about the type of man I find attractive and want to sleep with. However, I didn’t find my ex attractive and the sex was pretty feelingless. I felt nothing. So I guess no loss there. But my ex doesn’t know that part, and he’s attempting to make me feel like I won’t get what I want elsewhere.

I do worry, with the way people on here talk about sex after age 35. But I do get a lot of positive attention from men so maybe it’s not going to be an issue. I have a couple of friends I could probably hit up for sex who would be game. But I ideally want chemistry and passion.

Well done for getting out OP.

Don't look back!

And yes, he sounds very abusive, and yes, he will behave like this with and to other women because it's who he is.

A violent and controlling man can never be a suitable partner.

Obviously, you never ever go back. Make sure you are safe. Block him on all channels except email. Record and report any and every threat to the police immediately. Never let him in to your house. Make sure your home is physically secure.

Leaving now, while your child is still very small, is far better than leaving it until later. The longer you wait, the more impact it will have on your child.

Be brave. Don't worry about being single. Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year xx