Finally separating our finances - is this fair?

[BetsyHolme]

My husband and I separated back in January due to his mental health. We have been in the family home all year. Now, things are finally moving in the right direction, and he is looking for a house.

A little bit of background:
We have been married for 12 years and together for 19, and we have two kids aged 9 and 7. We would like to work out financials between us to avoid animosity. The kids will be 50/50, and I won't challenge him on this as he's a brilliant dad.

He has always worked, albeit not with a big salary, until the past year, when he was unemployed and spending inheritance cash or accruing credit card debt to cover household costs. He is capable of earning a full-time salary in his mid-40s.

I worked full-time until our eldest was born, then didn't work for 5 years, and now I work part-time, 25 hours a week. I earn about 1.5k a month, and I will be entitled to a small amount of universal credit to top up my income to around 2kish once im independent.

Financials:

We have a family home that will be sold in the next few months. This leaves us with equity of approximately 280k—300k.

He is selling his mother's house, and from this sale, he should receive in the region 525 550k.

He has approx 50k in credit card debt (I think)

I have about 15k of debt (including recent car finance I had to take out when my car blew up 😣)

He has been advised that he may be able to ringfence his inheritance from the marital assets, subject to both parties' needs being met. To be honest, I do not want to go after any of the inheritance; I do not view this as mine.

He plans to buy a three-bed house in cash upon completing the sale of his mum's house. I will buy a house with the equity of our family home and with the help of a small mortgage (I can borrow up to about 80k)

Thank you if you have gotten this far!! We are about to start putting down some figures, and I really would like to know what other people think is fair based on my circumstances.

I suspect his idea will be that I stay away from his inheritance, take a majority share of the equity in the family home, and use this as a large deposit on a house, topped up by a small mortgage.

I do have a feeling that he wants a share of the family home equity to pay off his debts; total debts around the 70k mark would take the equity down to approximately 220k. Then, with legal fees and stamp duty, it could be 200k, giving me a budget of around 280k to buy a home. It's not impossible, but certainly not as nice as the one he's buying for 375k.

Pensions are negligible, so I'm not bothered by that.

I want to go in confidently with an objectively fair figure.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

If we need to involve solicitors, then I suppose we will, but the intention is to try and solve the problem ourselves, certainly in this first chat.

So my question is, what do you think is fair? What would you ask for in my position? What is the minimum you would accept?

Thanks so much in advance for any thoughts xx

I think he sounds like a selfish lazy twat who is happily not working whilst running up debt he wants your family assets to pay off
he would rather his children live in a cheaper house with their mum than do the fair and right thing

i know it is an inheritance and he is grieving, but he has had to do nothing for that money, and seems quite unwilling to try and work. He wants to be mortgage free and jobless, whilst you work, live in a worse house or struggle with a big mortgage

you sound very fair and reasonable, but you need to get a solicitor and protect yourself

How did you get on at the solicitors @BetsyHolme .

Do you stand to inherit from your own parents later on in life, OP? If so, to be morally fair, I would think of his inheritance as his and yours as yours, and split the house 50/50. Otherwise, you could split the house more in your favour, but then when you inherit later, it would be unfair, as his inheritance was taken into account with the split, but yours won't be.

Honestly OP now he's gone to solicitors, I would forget your preoccupation with what's fair and take what your solicitor can get you. He's not going to get totally shafted by the system. But it sounds like he would shaft you if he could.

You seem to think it's all about what he wants.

I agree with this tbh.

He's not thinking of the children at all. They should come first and if he truly wants 50:50 (how is the parenting going while you're still in the same house btw, is it fair?) then he should want his children to have a nice home when they are not with him.

Go to solicitors, get mediation booked in.

After 20 years of marriage everything should be in the pot. That would be amicable. Currently you're the only one bothered about it being amicable, he is seeing ££££.

Hi all!

Thank you for asking, and thanks again for the comments.

Solicitors went well. They confirmed what I thought: his inheritance would most likely be ringfenced from the marital assets and the sharing principle, but not removed from the conversation. Obviously, he can meet his needs completely with that money, so he doesn't need to claim as much from the marital assets. I asked what I was asking for was unreasonable; she said no. But it's coming down to me arguing that my needs include a 335k house for me and the kids.

His figures were also all wrong because he didn't include my debt in the conversation, my fees to sell the house, and my fees to actually buy another house. I've found another mortgage broker who can find a lender who gets me an extra 15k, and I've stripped back my budget so he can have 75k instead of 50k. And I can still buy my house. I'm going to put this to him. That gives him 75k and me 211k. No pensions or inheritance sharing. Clean break.

If he refuses, then I guess the next step is either mediation or solicitors and Form E. If solicitors, it will probably cost about 12k total to negotiate.

The worst thing about all of this is we are still living together, my mental health is taking a real battering. It's never-ending.

I mean, im sure ill get something. But, both my parents are in their early 60s and are not rich by any means. I also have lots of siblings.

Its an idea in principle but where do I raise my kids while I wait for my small inheritance?

The parenting is fairly even, not particularly challenging when he doesn't work. But there's a lot of buying their attention and being a disney dad which frustrates the hell out of me.

This is the attitude I want to have, really, it is. And I think I would if I didn't have to live with him! And my solicitor said what you said 'its not all about what he wants'

I need to keep this front and centre and make sure I have a voice.

Thank you. I needed to hear this 👏

He is dragging this out for his benefit. Its months down the line and you are becoming ill. Can he move into his mums house, or anywhere else, until this is sorted. I cannot believe he wants some of the matrimonial property, in the current circumstances. He should be the better person and walk with his inheritance, in the knowledge his kids have a safe house that meets their needs. He is being greedy. I'm sure, given this is making you ill and as he has somewhere to go that your solicitor can seek an order that he lives elsewhere whilst this is sorted.

Go and have one meeting with a solicitor, you don't tell your ex though. Then you will feel confident on whether you are being reasonable, or not. At the end of the day your relationship is done and you are both prioritising your own needs, he is thinking of himself so I see no wrong in seeking a one off meeting to see what could be a possible outcome.

I really feel for you @BetsyHolme. You just need this to come to a swift conclusion. Your meeting sounds positive at least.
Maybe you should go to the GP to discuss the state of your mental health and having to work while dick husband pressures you. It may help you get your strength for mediation.💐