Where to start as a single mum of 3?

[Lorcee123]

Hi everyone,

Im currently in my first few days of being a single mum to 3 young children (7, 4 and 1.5) and feeling really overwhelmed, emotional and stressed.

Where do I even begin?

A big worry for me is finances.
My ex partner (not married) was terrible with money and hads ended up in lots of debt. We’ve struggled financially over the last year trying to sort it all and my family helped him too but I recently found out so much more that he hadn’t told me about so that was the final straw. I had emotionally been detaching myself anyway due to the stress I was under and his attitude towards it all so I knew this was coming. I did try to put a small amount aside just in case and was able to pay off a couple of smaller debts in my name with this.

We own a house together but have it written up legally that I own 99% and he owns 1% (they wouldn't allow 0%) as I contributed all the deposit. However due to his now bad credit we couldn’t get a better rate on our mortgage recently so had to take what Halifax would give us which increased the mortgage payment from £560 to £900.

I’ve worked on trying to get the outgoings down but all payments going out each month total to £2100 (no food/fuel etc included just direct debits etc)

I’m in a teaching job that pays £1650 after tax and have applied for universal credit that will top me up. However this only leaves me with £50 spare a month for food/fuel/other expenses etc which isn’t manageable.

My ex said he will pay maintenance (amount not discussed yet) however he is just so terrible with money and so unreliable that I know it won’t be consistent and will only be in his terms. He earns quite well (£3k take home a month) however he is self employed and this amount can sometimes differ. He’s quite lazy and not driven at all so now we’re separated I don’t imagine he’ll work the hours needed to earn that amount of money going forward. If I go through CSA I know he’ll just cut his hours right down and pay minimum. He thinks nothing of ignoring bills so I’m sure that won’t be any different.

What would you do in this situation? I can’t really change jobs as my current role is very flexible with working from home and childcare/school runs etc and I would probably have to change career paths as the teaching role I do doesn’t pay much more than I’m on.

Moving isn’t an option as I wouldn’t get a mortgage alone in my current situation and I’m in a small 3 bed now with the 3 kids so can’t really go smaller. Rent would be much higher than my current mortgage.

I’ve requested a single occupancy council tax reduction and gone through any bills I can already to reduce.

Im so worried about Christmas and giving them a nice life when I'm going to be struggling this much.

any advice appreciated.

Just sending you some hugs as it’s so tough. I hope you get some helpful advice on here.

If you are separated you may be able now to technically "buy him out" and then look for a better mortgage deal as he is no longer involved with the house?

Is he on the mortgage? Are you tenants in common?

Can you rent out a room in your house? Perhaps get the kids to share a room so there is a spare one?

If you are both on the mortgage talk to Halifax and ask if you can borrow more in your name to buy him out and end your financial association with him . The mortgage advisor can give you some good info. Halifax can also override reject decisions if there’s a good reason - in your case as the bad credit is in his name and you’re divorcing anyway they may help you take on the mortgage entirely if you bought him out.

I would also try to search for higher paid positions if possible - you’re still well under the uc limit.

Thank you x

Yes he’s on the mortgage but we’re tenants in common.

As much as I would like to I can’t imagine I’d be able to take over the mortgage with my currents earnings and affordability with only have £50 spare a month? Can’t imagine Halifax would agree but I can get some advice x

Thank you- I mentioned in the comment to someone else that I can’t imagine Halifax would allow me to borrow more in my current situation but I can always ask them for advice. I’m starting to look at higher paid jobs - but with the childcare it almost isn’t worth it. I’m currently able to do the school runs and collect my older 2 at 3pm and continue to work until 5 so I’m very lucky. Not sure how I’d cover school holidays etc. I know UC cover some childcare costs so I might have to look into that x

These are my current bills, any advice on how to get them down or what’s worth cancelling? Seems silly asking but I’ve got such Brain fog from all the stress I can’t think straight!

• Mortgage £885.40
• Childcare £150 (this is after 15 hours free)
• Council tax £150
• Gas/electric £70
• Water £46 (just got this down)
• Tv licence £13.20
• Broadband £50
• Home insurance £27.50
• Life insurance £20
• Car insurance £161.05
• Car tax £16.62
• Tax £53.54 (payment to HMRC for underpaid tax)
• Flooring payment £45.62
• Phone £20
• Loan £395.86 (joint secured loan with ex- to pay off his previous debt 4 years ago!)
• Tesco delivery: £7.99
• Swimming lessons x2 kids: £64
• Gymnastics x2 kids £50
• Credit Card £25 (£500 debt)

= £2109

Hey I started a similar journey last year and had no idea what lay ahead.
My suggestion would be to get some free money advice. There's lots of companies able to support with this.

My ex was terrible with money also and is still trying to emotionally manipulate me into reducing child maintenance payments (long story but I am exhausted).

Get advice. If he's working with you on child contact get that done asap. My ex cannot let go of the financial element and is trying to manipulate contact (had done from day 1, said he wanted to go 50/50 so he "didn't have to pay me anything" even though he had always struggled to even help 5% due to work - all of a sudden work was flexible after 9 years of not being 😵‍💫).

Get advice from a professional who can help you figure out a plan. Best of luck to you and your littles ❤️

Oh yeah and should have said my ex has an issue with me because I am a higher earner and planned for the future whereas he had not. Unsure what your ex is like personality wise i've discovered mines is a narcissist- i had no idea of this until last year but now it's crystal
clear. Be careful and I hope it works out for you

Investigate some of the schemes for cheaper internet? Will need UC sorted first, I think.

https://www.ofcom.org.uk/phones-and-broadband/saving-money/social-tariffs/

You may also just have to drop the swimming and gymnastics, for now.

Do the dc need swim lessons? Will they not get them in school? I would drop one activity to be honest.
have a look at cheaper broadband and phone contracts also.
is your ex giving you money towards the debt? He should be!
can you get rid of Tesco delivery and shop at Lidl/aldi? They are much cheaper.

No advice other than to say I know it’s hard but cut all the kids activities like swimming. It’s not important if you can’t afford food. Also cut the Tesco delivery slots and just shop at Lidl.

Have you seen an independent mortgage/financial advisor? I was very glad I did after separating from my ex as it allowed me to keep the house and have enough to live on. Some mortgage companies take predictable regular benefits into account as income and not having big childcare costs is a bonus. Is there any way to offload the loan? Really, cutting things like the supermarket delivery is tinkering round the edges, look at the biggest costs first. Remember that any pay increase will reduce the universal credit you can get so that needs to be factored in, effectively you only see 45p of every extra £1. Hope you get it sorted, it's a horrible time.

The mortgage would be considered on the basis of you owning the property. They could count benefits as income. As the monthly repayment is less than what you have currently and you are divorcing from someone who would be considered financially abusive they have to consider your application by their own definition of vulnerable customers. Talk to them first and get advice. Don’t assume because the mortage market has transformed the last few years

Cut back the activities, I'm guessing swimming is every week? make them once/twice a month? shop Aldi/Lidl, look for better broadband deal, sell stuff on Vinted/Ebay, little bits here and there add up. Realistically you wont have £50 a month spare, there's always more stuff, birthdays, school trips etc. Follow Martin Lewis, he has lots of good money saving tips. I'm in this situation myself, its tough.
Good luck.

Aw i was reading this thinking, wow i wrote this. I hope things are OK. It’s really not easy. Sending hugs xx