Cafcass

[stellafilms22]

I saw an old thread about Cafcass and how women are very negative about them being in favour of fathers. While I have every sympathy for victims of domestic violence whichever sex is the victim, I find it very disturbing that so many women are pleased to that their children have no contact with their fathers. I was a victim of domestic violence whereby I was in a refuge with a 3 week old baby and a 22 month toddler. I tried very hard to facilitate a relationship to enable my husband to see his children in a safe way way. Ultimately he is their father and my children have the right to know him, despite what he did. It broke my heart that they didn’t grow with him . I would also say that you cannot replace a father with another man. My father was also violent but my mother remarried and tried to force me to play happy families with her new man. She also tried to alienate me from my dad. It only made me despise her, because despite my dad’s failings I loved him too. I am so tired of people weaponising kids to act out vengeance. If my mother had truly cared she would have accepted I love my dad and try not to use me as a weapon to punish him. I am not justifying what he did but my mum put me through worse.

Cafcas threads are mostly about abusive fathers, its a different subset. Its hard working out what's right for your kids when their father is an abuser. You try to do your best and because of the abuse its often hard not to constantly question yourself, second guess, feel guilty, never sure you're doing the right thing, thinking of everyone else first. There's people judging you if you don't get your kids away from their abusive dad and then others telling you he should have 50/50 and you're selfish if you don't let him have that.

The only reason my abusive ex has a relationship with our eldest is because of me and the work Ive put in supporting her. He's alienating our youngest and hurting our eldest with all the nasty things he says about me. He's harming the relationship between the children by making them feel they need to take sides, Ive never do that. I don't ask by the way, and Id rather not know what he's saying but my kids want to tell me and if that helps them I'll bare that hurt to protect them as much as I can. Id love it if he was capable of doing more safely, but he's not. His behaviour is in that grey area where it isn't bad enough that they'd obviously be better off without him, but its still causing issues for our kids that I then have to deal with.

It sounds like due to your childhood you have very strong feelings on this. Yes sometimes women use the children to punish their ex, but the reality is most of the time its the mum's trying to protect and support their kids. Do you really know that was what your mum was trying to do? She might have made those choices thinking it was what was best for you. Whatever the reason for her behaviour it sounds like this is still effecting you a lot, maybe it's something you should seek support for. I've been through similar as a child, but I know my DP loved me and tried there best alongside thier own childhood trauma. Your mum's relationships might have mirrored what she saw growing up. Trauma often gets passed down the generations like this until someone can break the pattern. I hope Im doing better by my kids, but I won't know till they're older it they can escape the history of trauma and mental illness in both sides of their family.