Living with stbexh and I hate it

[Fishergirl]

I feel like I'm slowly losing the plot. He's gaslighting me, sending me horrible text messages and making it difficult for me to go out. Yet he just walks out of the house announcing he's going out knowing full well I'll be here to look after our ds.
The atmosphere at times is suffocating. I am seeing a counsellor which is helping. I had a free 30 min session with a solicitor this week and she said that it'll take 2 years to get the final financial order. I can't live with him for 2 years. I'll go insane.
I don't know what to do.

I’m in the same position. I have been since May. It’s awful but the gaslighting has reduced as he knows it’s not working anymore, and it’s not bothering me. Try to ignore any messages. I have been saving all messeges received in a folder on my phone.

I am not sure why you are being advised it’s 2 years for the financial order. You need it in place before you finalise the divorce but the divorce takes around 26 weeks from application. There is a 20 week waiting period before you can apply for a conditional order, then 6 weeks to apply for a final order. In this time you need to sort your financial order.

Do you have any complex financial arrangements that might take time to unpick? If not it should be straight forward.

Is the house on the market or can one of you afford to buy the other out? You don’t need your financial order to be able to sort your housing circumstances out. I’m going to suggest switching our mortgage to interest only so I can move out as our house is not selling.

I agree with the previous poster, you do not need to wait out 2 years to make any decisions or move forward with the separation. You will be encouraged to resolve as much as possible between yourselves so everything that needs sorting at court is narrowed down. We started financial proceedings in around December and had 3 hearings-our last one was in July and everything was finalised and signed off. I finalised the divorce the same day which only takes 2days to be confirmed. (After the 26 weeks). This was with an abusive person who tried a lot of awful tricks. I ended up worse off than him financially but it was worth it to end proceedings.
I do know other people who have had it drag out for 2 years but I suppose it depends on how much each person is willing to compromise/be difficult.

Thanks for your reply.
No we haven't got complex finances. Just 2 houses and then our pensions. He's a bitter and difficult man so whether she is anticipating he'll delay/contest things, I don't know?
No the houses aren't on the market yet. He couldn't afford to buy me out and I don't want to stay here because it needs lots of work done in it. The solicitor said even if we sold the houses before the final financial order comes through, we couldn't share the money in case he turns around and says he's spent all the money and then demands more from me?

Thanks for your reply. It's good to know that it wasn't long and drawn out for you.

Where is the other house?

It's about 20 mins away.

Can you move there?

That's what I'm going to plan to do. My counsellor says to check with the solicitor first though, if I can do it and take my DC with me.

Why wouldn't you be able to do?

People leave abusive partners and take their DC with them all the time. Why does your counsellor think you need to check with your solicitor, neat are her concerns?

If you are UK based then speak to Rights of Women about getting an occupation for your current home, whether his behaviour meets the threshold for obtaining one. I do think leaving will be easier though.

Hi OP, I've been where you are - I promise you will get through it but you MUST try and move ASAP.

You are probably in freeze mode where you will opt to reserve energy and 'hunker down' but the longer you live in this situation the more damage it will do. It was only when i left did i look back and think 'holy shit THAT was bad'.

You have a place to go to so get your shit together - and go. (said with a massive hand hold)

Not sure why the councillor told you to check with solicitors first - if you own it move in it. Also you can take the kids then apply to the courts for residence order - police cant do fuck all. Dont let the freeze mode put obstacles in the way x

There's tenants in the other house at the moment but I've served them their notice so as soon as they've moved out then I'll move in.

I'm going through a phase of feeling like I'm over exaggerating all of this though. It's like I don't trust my own feelings and judgement. It's shit.

I read stories on Mumsnet of women who experience so much worse from their husbands and partners.

You are doubting yourself because he gaslights and is emotionally abusive, it completely destabilises someone- that's how it works and that's why he does it.

My nana said I shouldn't leave my exH because he didnt beat me up and paid for everything so I could be a SAHM and I had a lovely car and fancy holidays.. The kids were happy and it would ruin them. "It will be shame on those kids'

I was so unhappy though. My nerves were bad, he was a compulsive liar and i found him repulsive in the end. He called me a disgusting name one night and that was the end of my marrage

Have you applied for the divorce? My solicitor hasn’t mentioned an issue with selling the house before the financial order is complete. It just gets factored in and split 50:50, then what each has already received is deducted. Pensions can split as a pension lot transfer so won’t impact the profit share on the house. If he wastes his share it’s unlikely a judge will award him any of your share. There will be an audit trail for all the transactions.

As it sounds fairly simple, you could get your financial order ratified pretty quickly. Alternatively a consent order might be more suitable?