Living together... still. How do we maintain boundaries?

[awayfromitallplease]

This has been going on for some years and we've had to move in together despite living separately previously for financial reasons.

I am desperately trying to get work, he is working, and things are awful financially and the stress is very high.

He has agreed to a number of days out of the house working - it's taken a year to get to this. I have SAFE caseworker coming this week to help with some of this I hope.

I find it very hard to maintain any sort of separation from him when he is here all of the time and unless I make a fuss he is just content to sit in his room. He does the school run and some clubs to-ing and fro-ing, but I still feel so suffocated- mainly bc I don't have an outside life and haven't for some time now.

Everyone's mental health has been affected. Our marital pot spent, and only his pension is left. I have no idea how to move forward. I feel so vulnerable and depressed and trying to get work in this state isn't easy.

The children need one home - that much is certain. We tried to split and move them between us, but he couldn't cope well, and nor did they. Which created a mental health crisis which has been the most destabilising element and reason why our money has been spent to my knowledge. He has taken as much as me while working. I don't think it's hidden as it is desperate and we've had to draw on pension already to pay off various debts.

I just don't know how to plan for my future and move forward. Should we buy a house together and then rent a flat and nest? Or more likely the other way around affordability wise? I just don't know anymore. I feel so stupid and naive. I have no one to ask.

Is the house rented or owned? If the latter, the most obvious option is to sell it, split the equity, and then you each move on using the equity as a deposit for a new property, or as a buffer to rent. Have you seen a solicitor, or had any kind of legal advice?

If you can’t live together happily then nesting is a no-go. Nesting requires just as much if not more good communication, negotiation, and compromise because it’s still a shared space. You need to separate properly and then lead independent lives as good co-parents.

This was exactly the plan until it failed. House proceeds gone, still renting.

Can't afford two houses that would be suitable so we have to nest or something similar because there is no choice.

Really need help in how to manage the hell of living together and setting timetables and boundaries with someone who only knows how to say no.

I don’t quite understand the money thing but if he works at home, does the school run and the children are in school then yes you can get out of the house during the day surely??

ANY job or volunteering for even a few hours will start to help surely?

The only way you’re going to manage to negotiate living together is through genuine respect for each other. Mediation, communication, counselling. You have to learn to treat each other like housemates, if you’re separated, living separate lives is the goal here. You each agree when the other is “on” with the DC, beyond that if he wants to stay in his room, he can stay in his room. And you need to double down on finding a job, you can’t expect to be totally financially dependent on somebody you aren’t in a relationship with, and that not make the whole situation even more tense and stressful.

But ultimately, if living together is hell and you can’t willingly agree on anything, then neither continuing to live together nor deciding to best is ever going to work out. Are you married? You both need to speak with solicitors and get a clearer picture of what a financial settlement would look like.

I have been trying for so long since this became our new reality. Therapist, boundaries, time in house and away, weekends... all of it. It's just all fucking painful because he has no ideas and friends outside of the house so it is another battle constantly. But we have no choice. So somehow I need to make it work. I have a mediation appointment next week and safe woman this. So I'm hoping with the help of a third party I can enforce some kind of timetable.

If you’re having to “enforce” anything, it’s clear why it isn’t working. Why should he have to have a timetable in his own home? Why should he have to do things outside the house? You’re still trying to treat him as a partner rather than a housemate. What each of you chooses to do or how you spend your non-parenting time should be none of the other’s business at this stage.

I wish you all the best, but what you’re trying to do just isn’t going to work. You’re both thoroughly miserable. Not wanting to make difficult choices isn’t the same as having no choices.

No - I'm trying to delineate time in the house for us both and he won't meet me halfway. I have to come up with all the answers and do all the mental load for the family. Cleaning and laundry and health stuff and all. As well as trying to find a new job and manage my own mental health and my children.

Of course it's not working. But we haven't got a choice until I am working. Hence my question and wanting practical and helpful suggestions as to how best to manage a very conflictual environment.

Op you're not listening, the only person you have control over in this situation is you. You can plan, delineate time , schedule all you want, but you can't make him follow it if he doesn't want to, and he obviously doesn't. You cannot 'enforce' anything. Either you're separated, or you're not. If you're still fully reliant on him financially and still cooking , cleaning, washing then you're not separated. You're living within a toxic marriage. Were you working in the time you lived apart? I don't understand how you chose to move back after you'd separated and sold the family home. How he was coping was irrelevant and not your problem, if the kids weren't coping with it then you needed to look at altering the contact agreements, not moving back in because this shit show will be destroying their mental health. There is no way to make this work because your relationship is over. Even if you were working you'd still need to be working together on a daily basis to run the home and that's clearly not going to happen.

Ok sorry pls don't worry. I won't ask for more advice.