Oh hun I hope you are close to where I live so I can give you a hug.
Since you opened up, let me tell you a bit of my story. I had to think long and hard before telling my story as it brings painful memories of my childhood. Now I am in a flow, here it is.
I met my ex or not ex but ex when I was 16. He is only 8 years older than me unlike yours but I was a rebel, hsngin out with the wrong sort of crowd in south London. 16 and in a park with a mixed group of people is not good combination. Then I met this guy who was very charming. We both had not had serious relationships in the past and I really liked him and he liked me too. We started experimenting our sexual side very quickly and in my case both our family’s knew we were going out but no one took us seriously. Not long later I gave in and from heavy petting and fondling (sorry to be out there hun) we started to try sex. He had not been with any girl before at least not that I knew off and he really liked me.
This was the old times and we didn’t know any less. I liked his attention and since he was doing his university I also felt safe as he was into his academic career.
Unfortunately I became pregnant and had a couple of abortions as we both were not ready to start a family. Then I went to university and I thought nothing about it until I learned that he was wanting to propose to me through my friend. He is nice that way. We had our first before we got married but staying together in the early days of living under one roof, his sexual needs were high and I went from giving into his sexual desires to abstaining. I found that the more I pushed him away, the more eager he was.
Our physical intimacy was usually the cause of make or break and I did not communicate this in the way I should have. My depression was mainly causing me to push him away and a trauma therapist knowingly or unknowingly mixed my own depressive feelings to my husbands need for intimacy and I started to dislike my partner. This is the hardest part as I did not realise that when I was a child my next door neighbour where I spent maybe 4 or 5 years of my childhood was probably not a nice man. I don’t remember a lot of things but despite him being an emergency caretaker he was upto no good. He was an oldish guy(maybe in his 50s or 60s) who liked playing games with me but I didn’t understand why we always ended up inside his house. I wanted to confront him during my CPTSD therapy but heard that that SOB had died. It’s painful memories with that old bastard.
When I became pregnant my family did not want anything to do with me and despite the abortions the only person who stuck with me was my ex. Later though I ended up hurting him the most as he was the only male figure in my life who I was so close to but who I could take out my frustrations. My loss of innocence when I was maybe 9 or 10 got mixed up with my love life and my married life. It may have been easier if my ex was supportive in our family life but on the contrary it was nothing short of hard work. On top of looking after his intimate needs I had to run a household. Demanding kids, school work, cooking, dishes, laundry, bin days, hoovering, tidying and doing beds even pressing my partners clothes every morning. He would come home and sit on his royal arm chair watching frikkin QPR or darts or rugby while chugging down beer while I have kids who drove me crazy. No help from him.
Then it was like a gun powder going off what did it for me was his soggy wet towel and his stinky pants on the bathroom floor. I had a hissy fit and waited for him to leave for work and I filled for a divorce.
After struggling for years not knowing the complex emotional struggles I had, all I did was brand him a misogynist prick who had wrong sexual ideas. It took months of therapy with him to unlock both sides of the story. I am happy we did it, albeit after our separation but now we both know how we misunderstood each other so much. Yes your right that we have a happy ending but it’s not a wedding hun. Just renewing of vows and a sign of us getting back together. I don’t know if it’s called a wedding again and I came to mumsnet to find out what it’s called and I stumbled upon your post amongst many others.
Truth be told, my identity is mine and not based on my ex. I had complex trauma as a child which I had not uncovered. I don’t know much about emdr and I also know there are many therapies out there. In all of this, it is about finding the right counsellor. Looking back my first few were keen to label my ex all manner of things I was unable to see the wood for the trees. I went to many forums and some of my online friends turned out to be anything but. I ended up taking the route of divorce but the last counsellor helped me see how my early years got twinned with my married life.
You said your ex saw you for 2 years in your ups and downs but was it when you both went for counselling? If he knew that your problems were about your relationship and the various feelings why did he not address it during your couple therapy? I will tell you that if my ex changed his heart, anyone can, I think. My ex had a temper and he would never back down from an argument or a fight. I always thought he hated woman but his actions were because I cold shouldered him in bed.
It is amazing how we unlocked a different life by openly communicating everything. Both our highs and lows. He also helps out a bit now. We are not there but we are definitely on the right track.
H x