Pick-up/drop-off

[AL1988]

Hi everyone,

My ex-husband left 5years ago after having a 9month affair, however also left me newly pregnant, jobless and the next day cut all financial ties.
We are now divorced and he has remarried.
He moved just under an hour away and sees the girls every other weekend and one evening a week for tea.
He will pick up from school and drop home one night in the week and then pick up on a Saturday and drop off on a Sunday. Never a set time etc, but still. That is generally the routine.
The girls didn't used to want to stay, but have just recently started to stay the Saturday night.
He is now threatening to take me to court to share the pick ups and drop offs.
They have 2 incomes, so even though he has an electric car now, fuel wise its more affordable for them than me. I don't have another partner yet and so its just me and the girls at home.
He doesn't share care of the girls at all during school holidays etc, so my income is limited due to having to be available for school pick-up, drop-off and all school holidays. I really couldn't afford to put them into childcare in the holidays.
Has anyone been in this situation before and could advise how likely it is that this would be ruled in his favour. I'm dreading another few thousand pounds worth of solicitors fees, but I really don't see why I should back down on this. I take the girls to and from everywhere they need to go during the week and the weekends I have them. Why should I be travelling for him on the weekends he is meant to be responsible for them!!
Equally, if I needed to get a job these weekends, this makes it more difficult.
And on a selfish note, makes my only free time all about his needs and wants instead of mine or the girls. This being the only social time I would get, or time to get housework/shopping etc done, without having to take the girls.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or can advise

Thanks :) x

I haven't been in exactly this situation but I didn't want to read and run

My ex left me pregnant after his affair and 1 year later suggested shared drop offs etc. it was a firm and hard no for exactly the reason you stated! I do the lion share of parenting and had very limited child free time! It was accepted and never raised again!

I hope a court wouldn't rule otherwise and he has to come get his children from where they live

Hope you are doing ok x

This is BS. It’s hot air from him. He could apply for a specific issues order if he could really be arsed but there’s no urgency so it’ll take ages to get to court. I would try not to worry, he has set a precedent by doing it all this time so there’s no reason to change now. He also chose to move away. You have a genuine reason of not being able to afford it.

A friend’s partner lives 250 miles away from their child and wanted the mother to share the travel. I don’t know which parent moved away. Solicitor told him he had done it all this time so he’s unlikely to be able to get the ex to share the travel.

He’s trying to scare you. Don’t let him.

Just echoing what others have said. A it’s unlikely to be awarded, and B it will take so long to come to anything, there’s really no need to worry about it yet (or at all). Are you getting the maximum child maintenance?

Tell him do it.. Much more likely to go in your favour than his

Not to worry you but if he is determined on this he will likely take them and refuse to bring them back in order to make you fetch them. So you do need some kind of plan.

You have already had solicitors involved - do you have a child arrangements order in place? Without one there is nothing the police or law can do to make him return them.

@jelly79 Gosh, sorry to hear it happened to you too. Extremely difficult time. Glad your side was accepted. He's fought me on this from the start to be honest, but I do the majority and so I don't see why its so hard for him to just pick up and drop off ... after what he did its the least he can do really.

@KhakiShaker I do hope you're right... I'm not convinced on the hot air as he's really stubborn and controlling. Its about the last thing he can control now we aren't together. Or at least I think it is... he seems to pick a new thing to upset me with every few weeks/months. You'd think he'd be happy in his new marriage to not have to keep picking at me and spending life arguing. Its exhausting.

@Boltonb its unlikely I'm getting the max, but we agreed an amount between us based on the child maintenance calculator 5years ago. He tried to penny pinch even then. I don't see wages etc. Didn't ask for any spousal maintenance given I was jobless and pregnant. Had to move into my parents, fortunately they had the space for me and my daughters. The eldests school residential has just cost the same as one months maintenance. :(

@cas112 lol... the attitude I'm having to take atm :) hoping its right.

@LittleOwl153 There is nothing formally written up with regards to the girls. We agreed on the every other weekend and one night in the week. He's a police officer so he wouldn't mess work around to have them anymore than that, hence the lack of help during school holidays etc. and having the kids more with shift patterns wouldn't suit their lifestyle now. Especially given his wife has now joined too. 🙄

Thank you all for your comments and help x

I don't know how or whether he is paying child maintenance or whether he has any spousal or global maintenance to pay but I will assume this is standard (child maintenance paid through CMS). Unfortunately, he can ask the CMS for a variation based on the amount he is spending to travel to see his children. So, you don't have to start spending his weekends driving but he probably can reduce what he is paying you.

Obviously if maintenance is not "the norm" then the answer would be slightly different as the variation would be less straight forward.

Go to the CMS. If he's in a regular job and it's a private agreement that he's happy with I'd bet my house he's earning far more than you think and he'd be paying more under the CMS.

And tell him to take you to court for travel expenses.

Exactly this. These fuckers always like to come to a private agreement with their exes, because it benefits them. In 5 years, he’ll likely have had a pay rise.

They have 2 incomes his new partner's income is completely irrelevant so don't mention that in any proceedings. S/he is nothing to do with you and your expections financially from your ex.

Especially given his wife has now joined too. his wife's job also is nothing to do with it. Their contact time is with him. You need to stop dragging her into it or you'll just look jealous

You could go to CMS but it can work both ways. On the one hand, he might have had a payrise. On the other, driving 2 hours each way to see the children will be used as a reason for a downward variation. So it can be a gamble unless you know what he is earning.

Also, potentially his income could have fallen, depending on where he has moved from and to.

Hi,

We aren't going through any authority to determine maintenance. We just did a maintenance calculator and agreed on what that came out with.
I've never asked for anymore than what we agreed initially, which in my opinion is nowhere near enough to care for 2 kids.
If he wants to reduce his payments to account for fuel, then he's welcome to be so petty, but I honestly don't need the extra running around on his weekends, when he's the one that left and moved so far from his kids.
ITs infuriating how they get to just walk away from it all and do the bare minimum. I don't get that option. Those girls have be fed, clean, clothed, etc etc... Id never dream of just walking off and letting someone else sort it all out.
Sorry.. little rant there 😂

He most likely has had a pay rise as I know he has had a new job or two during the seperation.
We will have to see how it pans out. Just not sure why he cant do the right thing and let me get on with my life now.

@purplebeansprouts I certainly don't drag her into everything, but his partners income actually seems to have more to do with it than I thought.
Not that I did, but they moved in together pretty quickly after our split... (understandable given they'd already been seeing each other 9months)
However, I did find out that I could have asked for all her financial information too and possibly come away with more in the divorce than I did based on their two incomes.... this isn't a road I went down.
Equally, if we go through the authorities for maintenance, his payments can be reduced because he's living with her dependants.

So... she gets her full maintenance from her ex husband... then gets mine reduced, so that my ex husband can afford to pay to care for her children rather than his own.
Its absolutely disgusting. I honestly don't know why this is still considered ok.
To walk away from your kids, financially make very little difference to their upbringing and still be able to bark out orders and entitlements. This really does need to be sorted. She had as much to do with this situation as he did and should be considered in the eventual outcome. Just my opinion.

I'm not asking for any more money from them or anything like that. I just don't see why on his weekends with the girls, I then have to do half his travel.
I don't ask him to take the girls anywhere during the week or on my weekends with them. So why should I on his weekends?!

Why on earth don’t you go straight to the CSA and have them assess his income?!

The fact that the mother gets maintenance for the other kids could actually mean the CSA would not take them into account!

Please tell me you are getting at least £400 a month?

It's much nicer for them if a parent comes to pick them up than a parent drops them off tbh. It's much nicer psychologically for the kids especially if younger to have someone happy to see them not sad to say good bye to them

About that yes. I'm not after the money. I've told him before when he's been barking orders at me that he can keep the money and I'll have a more peaceful life. Harder financially but I don't need to thank him for anything.
I just don't think he should be able to keep controlling parts of my life. His weekend is his responsibility. I don't see why I do all the running around when I'm responsible for the kids to then do half of it his time too.
I love my girls more than anything in the world . I don't go out or stay away because I'm always here for them
But he insists on his time with them. Until he's done and I have to drop what I'm doing and rush back for them..or if I can't get back before him he drops them with whoever is available
I just don't want to be running around more and more when I barely get a second as it is and the girls are starting to settle.

I disagree really... when thyre dropped off home they're home and run to have a cuddle.. quite literally. Not have to be picked up and sit in a car for an hour till they're home.
I'll have tea on. Fire lit and will be some quality time for us before bath and bed.
Let's say he wants them.till 5. Drops them at 5 and they can start to settle.
Otherwise I have to get them at 5. Drive am hour home. Which gets that back at 6
Then bed tea and bath is rushed

I appreciate all opinions on here and am considering them all.
I can't agree with them all I guess. But good to see what others think x

I definitely think he needs set times I agree

So update:I had a solicitors letter yesterday with him demanding I do the pick up from their home between 4 and 5 pm on a Sunday.
Then an hours drive home before getting them bathed, tea and bed ready for school the next day.
He wants this to happen from next weekend.
He will have to wait till a court orders me to!
Not to mention I've got christmas to pay for and just forked out £400+ for my daughters school residential and all the kit she needed to go. He's paid nothing towards it. They have 2 incomes and an electric car.
I also have the youngests birthday to pay for this month too amongst other family birthdays and now he wants me to pay solicitors bills.... which I did say to him, yet he's still gone ahead and done it. 😡

Try not to worry and don't change your routine.
He has set the precedent of collecting and dropping off.
He can ask, but not demand this is changed.
You can ignore the solicitors letter. You are not obliged to reply. They are acting on his orders and have no power to order you to do anything. If you want to reply you can just state you are not agreeing to any changes to routine. You will not be collecting the girls this, or any weekend, and it is his responsibility to return them.
If he takes you to court, it will be possibly be in a years time. Dont pay out on solicitor fees until this becomes a reality.
Court is likely to say he will need to continue all the travelling as he moved away and sees the children so little.

A few people have mentioned variation of child maintenance to cover his expenses. I agree he is probably paying less than he should, but don't panic about any discount for petrol. It is about 12p a mile but the yearly amount is deducted from his wages before Child maintenance is worked out, so in reality you are talking approx 2p a mile. If he mentions deducting this from the amount he is paying now then go straight to CMS and get them to assess.

Email him to say it is his responsibility to collect and return the children and you will not be sharing this responsibility. Don't give reasons.

Been in your situation.

My XH pulled this BS a few weeks ago, he moved too, though not as far, text to say we needed to share drop off and pick up and which did I want. I replied saying all the things I do and how many hours that is, take kids to sport training and therapy (SN) etc, and that while I was happy to continue doing the majority of the running round he needed to manage the drop off's and pick ups himself as I was already doing way more. He didn't reply, I'm certainly not doing more unless a judge orders it and thankfully he doesn't want to spend money or time on court and doesn't actually want the kids more so I'm not worried he'd keep them, it would get in the way of his down time.