Still miss family unit 5 years on

[40andtryingtoimprove]

I have been separated for 5 years, my choice. Ex was a cheat. I don’t miss the relationship but I miss the family unit if that makes sense. Having the other parent to share things with. The holidays, the Christmas, the family home. I’m currently renting as I cannot afford to buy and just see this house as making do and not as a real home. It’s tiny and cluttered, old fashioned and I miss my beautiful old home. Also Christmas times and birthdays are now split, I think being unwell this week and off work things have played too much on my mind. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you get over it?

Yes I feel like this too, OP. I left exDP due to domestic abuse. The DCs (students) stayed with exDP although they are only with him during the uni holidays. That in particular feels awful. I can't have my DCs to stay because I'm living in a minute little flat. I was absolutely devastated to be not involved in the DCs birthday celebrations - both went out with exDP. I'll have to come up with a plan for next year. Xmas was good, the DCs and i spent it at DM's and it was one of the best Christmas' ever.

It's been a year for me. It's very hard. I'm also now renting.

dizzydizzydizzy I am so sorry. It is really difficult isn’t it as you left for a good reason but it’s hard not feeling part of a family unit anymore.

sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing in leaving. It felt right at the time, but I still don’t feel happy.

I'm sure you did the right thing @40andtryingtoimprove - you say that your ex was cheating. That is a solid reason to separate.

I feel like it is a grieving process. Tbe life I have now is not how I expected my life to pan out. I expected exDP and I to grow old
Together and carry on living in the family home with the lifestyle I had become accustomed to. Do you think it is like a grieving process too?

Yes that’s another thing isn’t it, I feel I won’t grow old in the nice family home I had. With children visiting. My children are still teenagers and at home with me but they spend time with friends now a lot, I miss cuddling up with them on the old family sofa. Life has just changed so much. I miss my old life, even though I wasn’t happy in it at the time!

Yes but he left me so very different it wasn't a choice 7 years on i still miss it (not him the family unit)

It’s so hard isn’t it?
I’m sorry you’re going through it too OP.
I found out in June that my DH of almost 20 years had been having an affair with a colleague young enough to be my daughter for almost a year.
I feel like my soul has been smashed apart.
I miss being part of a family unit more than anything. I’m trying to hold it together but the divorce is expensive as he’s a coercive bully because I’ve refused to let things play out as he wanted.

The icing on the cake is that it’s come to light that his new partner has had an affair with a married colleague from his work a few years ago prior to this one. She clearly loves the chase of a married man. He’s fallen for it hook, line and sinker as she’s played him for the silly fool he is!

Sending love x

Hi OP. I'm 3 years on and still grieving too

I'm sorry to hear you feel like this @40andtryingtoimprove . As an old gimmer in my mid 50s, who has been with the same man for around 35 years, I can't relate as I've never had a long term relationship break down, and gone ahead and split up.

We've had our ups and downs, bad times and good times. Plenty of good laughs and a lot of fun, but some problems as well. Times when I felt like leaving - but I did stay for the kids at the time. I ploughed through and stayed. I'm not saying I'm any better than anyone who leaves. I just dealt with things differently. Decided to stay.

For the last 13-14 years, me and DH have been happier than ever. I know what you mean about how it's nice having a nice cosy family unit. Being in a couple together to deal with things in life. Financial things, family things, work things, health issues, and general peaks and troughs in life, and helping and supporting the kids together etc.

Somebody said something on a thread the other day that I thought was very profound. They said 'the thing is, when you leave a relationship because of a few bad things in it, you're getting away from the bad things in that relationship. But you're also leaving the good things in it as well.' And that's true.... like the financial security, and the company, and someone to share life's mental and physical loads, to share the bills with, to go on holiday with, to socialise with, and to share your life with.

It's a really tough one, isn't it? I think unless your marriage is really severely bad, it does make you wonder if it's worth staying and trying to work through the problems.. I guess some have issues so serious that they make the marriage impossible to continue, but I do wonder if some people give up too easily, as I have known quite a number of people split up after 15-30 years together, and regret it.

As I said, there were a few times when I felt like leaving my DH between maybe 15 to 20 years ago. But now, I'm actually really glad I didn't because we're really happy now. I'm really sorry you're having a rough time and hope life gets much better for you soon.

I get it. I'm 18 months in and I still really miss my old life. Different as exW left me for affair partner but even though I now wouldn't have her back, I really miss our life together as a family. And can't believe how easily and lightly she walked away from all that. It broke me.

How odd that you would be on this board and this thread to tell us how happy you are and how you have never experienced the feelings the OP is taking about?

I find your post quite rude and unhelpful and almost gloating.

OP - I totally get how you feel & have been split from my exh a similar length of time.

The world seems to be set up for families & couples which you notice more when your family has broken up.

I am getting more used to being on my own & doing things on my own but sometimes it makes me sad to remember how busy & crazy (in a good way) life was when the kids were younger & my ex and I were still together & happy.

I actually have no desire to get into a new relationship though which people always tout as the solution to feeling this way.

It's tough xx

Another point of view isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I found it helpful as someone who clicked onto the conversation while currently wrestling with unhappiness in a long term relationship who worries the ltb camp are too glib.

Colourfulduvets- I could have written your two posts word for word. Completely agree with all you says especially what people say about having a new relationship to solve it. I have zero desire too to meet someone but still feel sad much of the time about my family being broken.

I wish you all find happiness x

You’re missing the point, hyssop.

Agreed. It's really insensitive and inappropriate.

I understand this. When I left my ex , my dd and I lived in a one bedrooms flat together and was subjected to all the game playing he was so good at. I had left as he was a cheat and a liar and played gaslighting mind games with me, took all our money and used it to fund drugs and women.
despite leaving (for the best) I so missed my home, and that feelings of coming home to someone. I missed being part of a family and feeling that sense of belonging. That went on for years and I would cry for what I “had” even though it was a mirage really
i am
now happily married and have two more girls, we are so happy and content. Don’t give up, and don’t give in to this feeling: it’s natural. You’ll move on to better times and better relationships and you’ll have that beautiful feeling of home and belonging again. Chin up OP. I have walked where you are now and you’ll be fine.

Another point of view is one thing but I personally found the post insensitive to the OP's situation.

I've been separated and then divorced for nearly 10 years. The divorce was really amicable, there were no other women/men and our three older teens had full access to both parents when they wanted although they lived with me.
He remarried after 4 years ( two days before what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary which stung) but I was seeing someone else too. My partner died two years ago and I'm happy to stay single and not go through that grief again.

However I do really miss having a family unit even though all children are living lives in other cities. I would love to be able to visit them as their parents instead of just their mum. And of course, financially being part of a couple would be SO much easier!! But its not him I miss, just the situation!

Just found out ex is having another baby! So things just feel even worse now. I feel like he didn’t fight for our family and has now created another one.

That must be really hard to hear, OP. How do your kids feel about that news?

You must feel upset and blindsided right now.
But you also know how hard the baby years are and your ex is now going to go through that all again but as an older dad. It won't be easy & perfect for him even though you will probably imagine it to be.
Who knows how it will all turn out?

In the meantime, do something nice for yourself if you can. Treat yourself, have a fun day out/movie night with your kids & spend quality time with them.

Your ex is now going to have to juggle seeing them and his responsibilities as a new dad, that won't be easy either...