Dating a man during divorce.

[user2312]

Hi. I've been dating my bf on and off for 18 months. He's currently getting divorced, has been the whole time we've been dating. It's now at court stage.
We split up for a few months as his head was gone and everything got on top of him etc, I felt quite blindsided at the time, we ended up getting back together, he begged for me back. Essentially told me what I wanted to hear. How it would be different he wouldn't let anything come between us or affect us. We have had a few arguments lately, partly my insecurities of he'll do the same thing again and partly his lack of effort or backtracking. When I tell him my feelings he doesn't want to know or blames how he's made me feel back on me.
I've always supported him, listened, helped where I can and been there for him.
He's now saying he doesn't know what he wants, his heads scrambled and his so fed up with everything.how he doesn't know what's wrong with him.

Am I fighting a lost cause here? Has anyone else been through divorce or in a similar situation and can offer advice please.
Thanks

I am the wife in this scenario. How long was he separated before you got together? How long was his marriage? It takes a long time to get over a marriage so that would depend on my advice. If you got caught up fresh from the marriage breakdown I would suggest toss him back he sounds like he needs to be on his own for a bit.

Hi. Around a year. Marriage was 10years.
They aren't amicable at all, hence the long divorce. Neither have anything nice to say about the other.

He does state he's over her and they were both unhappy prior to the split. I'm just upset I've forgiven someone and let them back in to do the same thing again.

I'm at a similar stage and I'm not dating at the moment because I know when we get to the actually court part I'll have emotions I need to deal with and that could be really hard on a partner. I think you need to have a think about what you want here. Either you like him enough to stick with him through this knowing the next lot of months at least will be difficult and you probably won't get your needs met in the way you would normally and hope he comes back around (with no guarantee of that) or you need to be realistic with him and suggest you cool things off for a while and then when things are finalised and he's had time to process it you try again.

He's going through a lot and I can understand why he's done what he's done, but equally that doesn't mean you need to just sit around waiting. It also doesn't mean you need to take him handling his emotions badly and putting them on to you. If you do decide to stick it out I think you need to set clear boundaries together and I'd encourage him to go for counselling so he has a space to actually deal with what is coming up rather than putting it all on you in an unhealthy way.

I really appreciate your reply thank you.
I do like him enough to support him, I've totally accepted I've not been at the forefront of his mind and things haven't been great because he has a lot going on. I've always been here to listen to him, support him in anyway I can.
Whenever I said this will be alot for you, he's like I'm fine I'm over it none of this bothers me. Even when he's talking to me about it I feel drained so can't imagine how he must be feeling. The time and money spent it must be so stressful and consuming.
I just don't know what best to do.

I think you've summed it up. He's done it again not just once. My stbxh left 11 months ago I'm sure he's told his new partner all sorts about how unhappy we were prior to the split but I didn't have the slightest inclination it was coming. Even so if he'd mentally checked out or is over the relationship, as the previous poster says going through the actual motions of divorce is mentally tough for anyone and you shouldn't have to put up with him making you unhappy by proxy.

Thanks for your reply @Mmmbop23
I'm sorry to hear your situation and hope you are ok. I just feel let down. I've been there and listened for so long, been supportive, appreciated the divorce came first and been the one paying to do nice things to cheer him up and show him I had his back. I just feel used now and sad because he promised he would never push me away again and he has. I was getting on with my life when he begged me back and has wasted more of my time again which is cruel.

I had a relationship during my divorce. It was a mistake and I didn't separate the faults in relationship 1 and 2 so I was expecting, repeating behaviours and mistakes. I also didn't get back to being me. Divorce allows growth and a new relationship without that growth and time to reflect is imo fraught

My situation hasn't been ideal but I've been cruelly strung along by my stbxh all the while he pretended to want to work on things whilst making another life with someone else. I think my point is just that if his actions show something (and your gut is telling you that it's not what you deserve) then his words are irrelevant. I wish I had realised this sooner.

I sympathise with your situation. I do think it takes a long time for a long established marriage or relationship to dissolve. I have been seeing/dating my current partner for 2.5yrs....they were married for 20yrs.....-and separated for 1.5yrs prior to me coming on the scene and I had been divorced for 12 yrs! He and his "wife" are still not divorced and I don't feel I can say anything about it. He mentions her multiple times a day which is quite noticeable. She has a new finance and the reason they are stalling the divorce is financial I think...he needs to sell a property to spilt the marital money. Do find it very odd though at times and sometimes feel not fully trusted or like an equal partner if that makes sense.

Run away. Especially before the financial order negotiations.

That is so cruel of him @Mmmbop23 and must be a lot to process.

I think deep down I know he isn't over her or if not her the situation. How can you be during a divorce. He's always been very honest during divorce about financial side what's happening what solicitors are saying etc etc but I wonder if that's just because he's needed someone to moan too. People around me don't think I'm happy and can't seem to get why I can't let go, and I can't understand why I can't either.

@Wowwellokthen you're so right about not feeling like an equal partner. It's like you have your life together and then they have a separate one. Hearing him mention his ex wife can't be nice. Is it in general chit chat like a time he went somewhere or did something so her name crops up and it's not intentional? It is crap feeling like you can't bring it up, I feel like I can't say things at times and it gets me quite anxious. Has he said why he hasn't got divorced before now? I know my bf is doing it because of money.

He sounds extremely emotionally immature. A decent man would deal with his divorce first before looking to enter a new relationship, especially if it was so acrimonious. He is clearly not a present or equal partner to you.

Don't date his potential. By this I mean, don't focus on the future and what you believe the relationship will be like once the divorce is final. You really don't know what he will be like then. What you know now is that he is happy to take your support and emotional labour but not provide what you need, even a clear statement about where he thinks the relationship is going. You are worth more than this. I would end it.

I assume as you haven't said so that he doesn't have any children . If he does and it isn't amicable then he will be "tied " to her for longer as they navigate childcare arrangements .
I think some people are able to " compartmentalise " their feelings but it doesn't seem you like most people are able to do that . I think it is difficult to put a hold on your feelings and try and not become too involved . As he has already let you down once it doesn't seem like he is ready for another relationship . If you do stay with him whilst not inevitable - it seems likely that he will hurt you further .
Whilst there will always be exceptions a lot of people are not in a position to move on emotionally straight away - especially when it is not amicable . I would also guess that if it isn't amicable - then one of the spouses pushed things along . So either your boyfriend was the one who was hurt by this or made the decision and surprised his spouse .

The op also sounds emotionally immature. How desperate are you for a relationship that you would try and force it to work with a man who is mid divorce and clearly not emotionally available?

I wonder if he also invalidating and belittled her feelings. It doesn't sound like he's learned much from his marriage. I don't think you'll be happy with him. At the very least I'd want to go to couples counselling with him. But let me guess - you're not a priority now, the divorce is. Please don't get pregnant any time soon x

He does have a child who is an older teen.
Yes your right the divorce is the priority.
I don't know what more I can do then what I have. When I voice I'm unhappy or we have even a small disagreement in blows into something bigger and it's always me who's wrong. I take accountability and admit my faults but it's my fault he's like how he is at times because of what I do apparently. Now it's the my life is shit line and even an apology comes with an 'I'm sorry for how I'm acting and then a but'

I think you need to figure out what you want and be clear with him. I’ve been divorced and been in your shoes too. When I met my partner he had only been split with his ex for 5 months - although he told me 6! They were together 20 years. I had various people suggest my partner may get back with his ex - and worried about it for about 6 months off and on. I think it’s natural to feel insecure when your partner is embroiled in a long ongoing divorce. Personally when I was fresh out of marriage I couldn’t think about a proper relationship until atleast 6 months later but some people can. We are all individuals. 18 months is quite a long time so it sounds like you may have something together?.

I think you really need to think about what you want though. Best advice I read when going through similar is you’re gonna need a ride or die attitude. But to have that, you need to know he truly loves you and you both want the relationship. Forget the naysayers there will be lots but they aren’t always right. I’ve been with my partner more than 4 years now although his ex strung their divorce out for 3 years. It was a mare with court etc, we got through it.

Re the equal partner stuff, that stuff doesn’t go away as there is always the figure of the ex in the background and some don’t want to let go. You have to find a way to live with some of that for it to work. Just remember though there is a reason why exes are exes so most unlikely to reunite…

Why did your partner split with the ex do you know?

Hi @Tosca23 thanks for your reply. His wife was unfaithful and I think they'd been unhappy before that for a while but plodded along.
Communication from him has never been great. I think the mental load of dealing with a long divorce plus financial side is playing a big part for him and he can't see a way out of it right now as it's been so long and he feels his life is just a bit crap. Ive told him how I feel and he's also told me certain things he feels and needs but for now we are having some space and no contact. He's unsure what he wants so I have to just let him be.

My advice is to tell your boyfriend to get in contact again once he has his decree absolute. You don’t want or need to be a part of his divorce and he isn’t financially or emotionally available while he is still married to someone else. Deep down you both know that this relationship can’t work because it’s the wrong time for him.

Edited to add I’m not suggesting that you put your life on hold for him. You’re quite likely to meet someone who is in a better situation once you end the relationship.

He's unsure what he wants

I assume he wanted sex and a shoulder to cry on and you were handily available.

Now he’s perked up, he’s got the energy to look around at his other options.